Affair - should I stay or should I go?

conradmum

Paddy's Mum, you're assuming that SB told out of a desire for revenge. Another possibility is that she wanted save another poor sap from being cheated on and lied to in the way that she has.
No good marriage can live with secrets, and the excuse that we should not tell someone something because it may be hurtful to hear is simply disrespectful to that person. Who are you to decide whether that person should be oblivious to the fact that his wife has been unfaithful to him? If he wants to keep the fact that he knows a secret, then that's his decision.
If my husband was cheating on me and a friend knew but didn't tell me it would be the end of that friendship.
People have a right to know the true facts of their own lives. We do not have the right to keep the truth from them with the idea that we know better than them what they should and shouldn't know. How arrogant and disrespectful.

paddy's_mum

The telling, or not, was always going to be a provocative subject - how could it be otherwise?

Some people believe that you should 'dob' an offender, however minor the crime. Do they phone crimestoppers when it is their son, or husband, or brother that is the perpetrator and the repurcussions could be tremendous?

It is very easy to give advice when one has never been in a given situation. It is all too easy to assume, without having experienced the grief that goes along with an issue like this, that one would do this, that or the other. I gave my views based on my own experiences. I hold to those views. What else is wisdom based on but having learned the hard and painful way that this course of action may well produce this result?

I thank those who have tried to see past the "how dare you" posts to me, to recognise a strongly held viewpoint but not one based on spite or malice. I have been utterly on sportbeth's side and understand only too well the heartache she has endured.

This is my last comment on this thread and it reflects the inherent differences between the perception of two different people to any particular problem.

Some object to the fan-dance and some object to the fan.

whitewing

I think I must have read the posts differently to some of you. I read Paddy's mum's initial post as genuine concern over how Beth would feel in the future if she was the one to tell the husband.
I thought PM's later post was quite sorrowful based on the experiences within her own extended family.

Beth, I don't agree with you being the person to tell the husband. However, neither do I agree that you should be putting up with any pressure from the despicable twosome. Your fella is most at fault to you. While I do think that it is possible for relationships to recover from an affair, I don't think that I could put up with the manipulation and continuing lies etc in this situation. However, only you can know what will work for you and whether it is worth saving. I wish you all the luck and hugs in the world. You truly don't deserve to be suffering the pain, confusion and humiliation that you are going through right now. Take care.

shellsuit

I personally think Beth did the right thing.

I would have told him to get my revenge on Ms dropyourdrawers.

I would have told him because he has a right to know Ms dropyourdrawers was/is cheating on him.

I would have told him because once it had all come out into the open, it would mean IF my fiance (not mine but you know what i mean) wanted this other trollop and her OH did kick her out, they could both go to hell and i would know that me and him were obviously not meant to be. I would know he didn't care one ounce about me and I wouldn't be stuck in a marriage made up of lies and deceit.

Beth has told him now.....everything is out in the open, there are no more secrets and lies with either family ~ just how it should be!

whitewing

But it has created more pain for more people.....And it won't necessarily stop the secrets and lies.

Curious_George_2

whitewing wrote: »

But it has created more pain for more people.....And it won't necessarily stop the secrets and lies.

still not beths fault or problem...

if her OH had any respect for her and had treated the relationship in the same way she had been doing, none of this would have happened...
the OH and the other woman didnt give a crap what the fall out would be if they got found out... i doubt it was the main topic of conversation when they got together, so screw them, they deserve everything they get.

I dont see why so many people on this thread think its acceptable that beth should carry ANY of the guilty burden of this situation.

whitewing

I agree that what wife and OH want is irrelevant. But husband (who as far as we know is also innocent + any children + extended family who have a relationship with those children may all be caused some pain from this).Ultimately, urged on by other people on this thread, Beth has taken it upon herself to tell the husband. Beth therefore should accept responsibility for her action here, however badly she is hurting. I don't think Beth should have been encouraged to tell the husband. I also don't think other people in similar situations should be encouraged to tell the husband either. Someone will at some point. I do want to support Beth. I do feel very sad for her. And I wouldn't wish this situation on anyone.

melancholly

whitewing wrote: »

But husband (who as far as we know is also innocent + any children + extended family who have a relationship with those children may all be caused some pain from this)

he will be caused pain by the affair. i would hope that people would tell me if my OH cheated - then at least the decision on what to do would be mine. i would not want to have to keep the secret - that's too heavy a burden to bear, especially on top of dealing with bein g betrayed myself. i would probably have tried to engineer it so that they found out without me explcitily being the one to tell them.... but that's just me....

i really think that laying any of the guilt from this situationonto beth is so so so so unfair!

enemes

it is not the fact that he had an affair or whatever you want to call it, it is not the lies either. The fundemental basics are that he has the will and ability to tell lies.

In a way, this is a practice run for him. He is a liar, and will ALWAYS be a liar, and the more practise he gets at lying, the more skilled he will become at it.

I've been the vidtim of a liar in the past. The sure thing is that the more confident they get at lying, the more they push their own barriers. The old adage about leopards and spots come into play here ... they don't and he won't change.

I'm only glad that sportbeth has seen the cat as he is now, before they get married in a couple of months. Use your own animal instincts and follow your own gut feeling. I bet he has already got a new mobile and email address for future encounters. Be the lion, be the king of the jungle, and don't allow yourself the same pain again, no matter how much you think you love him.

As for her husband ... yeah, they may have kids and all, but think of yourself in his position, do him a favour and let him know, because there are two liars here, and who's to say that she hasn't done it before. The truth will come out in the end, by not acting, you will be responsible for not revealing this charade. You are now in a powerful position, use it to the benefit of everyone.

Curious_George_2

whitewing wrote: »

urged on by other people on this thread, Beth has taken it upon herself to tell the husband. Beth therefore should accept responsibility for her action here, however badly she is hurting. I don't think Beth should have been encouraged to tell the husband. I also don't think other people in similar situations should be encouraged to tell the husband either.

people ask for advice on this website all day every day,
its entirely up to them wether they take notice of a word any of us say... after all, its not our lives, we dont have to live with the descisions and we can only advise from our own experience and as we see fit, if you have been involved in any of the debates in discussion time you would see that opinions range from the blindingly obvious to the outright moronic (with everyone from trolls to probable shut ins thrown in the mix)

In Beths situation, I would have told the husband without any guilt or having to accept responsibility for anything,
he deserves to know he is being strung along by a lying deceitful woman who he probably thinks he can trust,
he has been lied to for months, maybe years...who knows if this is her first affair, seriously... who knows if those kids are even his?
shouldnt he be allowed to decide wether she is the kind of woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with?