Affair - should I stay or should I go?

esthomizzy

Good luck with whatever you decide, you are right baby steps is the only way.

janb5

Dear Sportbeth,

Just read most of this thread and wanted to wish you strength during the next few months. Only you can decide as to where you will go from here( personally I am not convinced about the Relate option) but I admire you for the fortitude you have shown. I have been in a similar position myself and remember just how painful and gutwrenching it was. Good luck to you.

Jan

Errata

Well done, you did what you wanted to do instead of being at every other !!!!!!s beck and call. If the other marriage is a strong one it will weather this, if it isn't it may not.
If the other woman has been on tenterhooks since she knew you'd found out what was happening, her OH would have to be blind and deaf not to sense something was going on, and now he knows.
Best wishes for your future Sportbeth.

andyrules

If SB wanted revenge, then who can blame her, this woman has behaved in the worst possible way towards her. As for the innocents, that is not Beth's responsibility, I firmly believe that the affair would be exposed in some way - with or without SB. This way, at least Beth feels that she has SOME ownership in this sorry mess, and also this now gives the husband a voice as well.

SB is not a bystander, she is heavily involved as she is trying to make life-changing decisions. As things were, her perspective was from the stance of having knowledge of the lies and concealment, hardly a good place to decide whether to stay with a man and probably have children with him.

Beth has changed the timing here, and it might not be a bad thing. The other couple may have had more children before it all happened again. Who knows? Would that be Beth's fault for keeping the secret?

I'd like to add something here, some mse - ers will remember the agony SB went through some months ago as she wanted to spare the feelings of a 'friend' who was treating her badly. None of us know 'Beth', but from that thread we got the impression that she cares about other people. I believe that her decisions here have been difficult enough, and I'd like to add my vote of support to SB along with others.

January20

SporthBeth got hurt.
The husband (and children) got hurt too.
And the other woman got punished
What about the boyfriend in all this, does he get off Scotsfree?
He seems to have been rather distant figure in the latter part of this discussion!

Carmina_Piranha_3

i hope you start to feel happier sportbeth. whether you told the husband or not is your decision but i know if i were him i would want to be told.

hopefully the upshot of this will be her not contacting either of you again! it must have been like a constant reminder, having her sending messages to you (how dare she!) and also to him.
try to forget about her. if they stay together or separate, it's not your problem.

if you do marry this man are you sure about doing it this year? if the relationship is worth saving then so be it but it's all quite fast - wouldn't you prefer your wedding day to be one where there's no baggage and any hurt has been well raked over and you're totally secure and happy - feeling like the most important woman in the world to the man you're marrying?

maybe he's the one you'll marry but it doesn't have to be now.

southwester_2

Sport beth

I have just come across this thread and I truly feel for you, I too am in the same boat as you and have gone through all the emotions that you are going through. My thread, Worst Time of My Life Ever, willm tell you about it but good luck. We are still together - just - and it is 50/50 whether we will stay together but if you want to ask me anything, pm me

dianadors

sportbeth wrote: »

Morning all,


She then turned very nasty later that day telling me that I was the bad guy now and that she hoped that I lived with the conscience of what I had done to her children. Make of that comment what you will.



Rightly or wrongly I did what was right for me, and I will have to continue to make those decisions over the coming months. In my mind she has now shown me that she considered that what she did to me and my relationship and to hers was in her head morally acceptable...... until she got caught. Now I am the bad guy. I can live with that.

Last night when I came home I walked down the street for the first time in ages with my head held high. I have been hunched over and sad for months. I will always have to live with what I did, but I cannot live with the fact that someone did that to me and never took a look back. Call it revenge, call it bitter and nasty. For my money I did what I needed to do to move on regardless of what happens now. I could never ever live with her gratitude for my silence so I took the horrible decision to try and piece myself back together.

Hi Sportbeth
Just wanted to make a comment on a few of the paragraphs in your post. I too have bought the T shirt when it comes to being cheated on and so I identify with your posts (infact reading them brings back the sick feeling in my stomach and starts me going all shaky again). The first paragraph where she blames you for upsetting her kids - Dr Phil calls this "transfer of guilt" and it is so apt. I suppose it does make guilt easier to live with if you pass it on!!!.
The last paragraph summed up situations like this perfectly. When you find yourself thrust into these situations by the actions of others, you dont always behave how you thought you would. This is because your heart is more involved in the decision making than your head. To survive, you have to do what you need to do.
You are hurt because of your boyfriends actions. Her family are hurt because of her actions. I wish you all the love, luck and hapiness in the world sportbeth. Its a horrible time, but it teaches you so much. xx

Lillian06

First of all... stop worrying about what he will think of you looking at his e-mails... if he has nothing to hide then there would be no problem! You have done nothing wrong...
Speaking from personal experience, I had to 'have it out' with my partner as it was eating away at me, and I was getting jealous of every female he knew.. So, like you, I could not and would not allow this issue to destroy me or the relationship. Imagine not talking to him and have this niggling doubt mainfest into destruction. Time will not stop you doubting.. believe me.

Tell him that this is his one and only chance to tell you exactly what went on.. and if yr strong enough.. that if he tells you, you may be able to forgive him, but if later on down the line you discover more went on then he said, you will go.
If he insists that nothing went on, you will know deep down whether or not you believe him.

Either way, you deserve to be happy, and if this has questioned that irreversably, then you know the answer.


Good luck, stay strong and believe in YOU.

Curious_George_2

Lillian06 wrote: »

Tell him that this is his one and only chance to tell you exactly what went on.. and if yr strong enough.. that if he tells you, you may be able to forgive him, but if later on down the line you discover more went on then he said, you will go.
If he insists that nothing went on, you will know deep down whether or not you believe him.

i think you may need to read more than the first post before answering,
it has moved on considerably since the biggest problem she had was getting caught reading emails!


hope your ok beth