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How to get over it - or get divorced?
Comments
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I feel so sorry for you both. From reading what you have written, you are angry frustrated and disappointed, and putting the sole blame on your OH. He had the snip reversed in the hope to have children with you. That showed commitment, and he must have loved you very much. I feel terribly sorry for him, as he probably feels he is a failure.
But I also do feel sorry for you, you married your OH because you loved him, and your lack of children of your own is turning that love into hatred, and this will not help your chances of conceiving.
You do need professional help, before he leaves you; no one wants to feel like a failure in the eyes of the person they love.
Marriage is a relationship between two people, and in order to have a happy marriage you have to work at it. Not destroy the love and admiration you begin with when you marry.
If you love him enough, you will work through it.When I was growing up my father would always tell me that my best friend was my pocket!0 -
alias*alibi wrote: »Maybe it's a blessing in disguise; for him anyway, as you sound like the type of person who would expect YOUR child to come first over his other children thinking your child was 'better', judging by your selfish and quite frankly rude attitude.
Selfish, I accept, but I don't feel I have been rude to anyone for offering their opinion, as I asked!0 -
I don't want to discuss my reasons for not wanting to adopt.
What do you want us to say?
What you want to do is have children naturally with your husband. But you can't!
I'm sorry. I do actually feel very sorry for you.
It's not fair. Your life isn't panning out the way you imagined it would. It's not your fault. I still maintain it's not his fault. But it's still not fair.
But, fair or not, this is the situation that you find yourself in.
I think you need to put the issue of children to one side for a moment.
How much do you love your husband? Really?
Because let me tell you something that has come through in your posts.
* You are not prepared to have councelling.
* You are not prepared to use a sperm donor.
* You are not prepared to adopt (and won't even discuss it).
* You are not prepared to try IVF (and won't even discuss it).
But you are prepared to consider a divorce.
To me that suggests that you don't love him that much.
Think about it. Think about your husband. Think about how much you love him.
I'll tell you something. I love my wife so much there isn't anything I wouldn't consider before considering not being with her.
Think about it.
If you decide that you don't love him enough then walk away. You may or may not get your family with a man that you love. Only time will tell. But at least you will get a chance to find someone that you love enough.
But if you decide that you do love him enough then wipe the slate clean. Start with a clean sheet of paper and list your options. Some of the options on the list will be ones that you previously wouldn't have considered. But there are no miracles.
The options boil down to
1. Leave your husband
2. Resign yourself to a life without children
3. Do something that you have previously thought of as not an option
Unfortunately you've got to pick the best of a bad set of options. That's the bit that's unfair. Unfortunately life's like that sometimes.
[Cross-posted with londoner01's post #75, saying something very similar.]0 -
I feel so sorry for you both. From reading what you have written, you are angry frustrated and disappointed, and putting the sole blame on your OH. He had the snip reversed in the hope to have children with you. That showed commitment, and he must have loved you very much. I feel terribly sorry for him, as he probably feels he is a failure.
But I also do feel sorry for you, you married your OH because you loved him, and your lack of children of your own is turning that love into hatred, and this will not help your chances of conceiving.
You do need professional help, before he leaves you; no one wants to feel like a failure in the eyes of the person they love.
Marriage is a relationship between two people, and in order to have a happy marriage you have to work at it. Not destroy the love and admiration you begin with when you marry.
If you love him enough, you will work through it.
You have more or less summed up how I feel about the whole thing, though I will accept others opinions and their points of view, I have noticed a tendency to pick up on one element/one thing I have said of why I feel like I do and pulling it apart/focussing on it instead of looking at that the bigger picture/context of why I feel like I do.0 -
JimmyTheWig wrote: »Then what do you want to do, OP?
What do you want us to say?
What you want to do is have children naturally with your husband. But you can't!
I'm sorry. I do actually feel very sorry for you.
It's not fair. Your life isn't panning out the way you imagined it would. It's not your fault. I still maintain it's not his fault. But it's still not fair.
But, fair or not, this is the situation that you find yourself in.
I think you need to put the issue of children to one side for a moment.
How much do you love your husband? Really?
Because let me tell you something that has come through in your posts.
* You are not prepared to have councelling.
* You are not prepared to use a sperm donor.
* You are not prepared to adopt (and won't even discuss it).
* You are not prepared to try IVF (and won't even discuss it).
But you are prepared to consider a divorce.
To me that suggests that you don't love him that much.
Think about it. Think about your husband. Think about how much you love him.
I'll tell you something. I love my wife so much there isn't anything I wouldn't consider before considering not being with her.
Think about it.
If you decide that you don't love him enough then walk away. You may or may not get your family with a man that you love. Only time will tell. But at least you will get a chance to find someone that you love enough.
But if you decide that you do love him enough then wipe the slate clean. Start with a clean sheet of paper and list your options. Some of the options on the list will be ones that you previously wouldn't have considered. But there are no miracles.
The options boil down to
1. Leave your husband
2. Resign yourself to a life without children
3. Do something that you have previously thought of as not an option
Unfortunately you've got to pick the best of a bad set of options. That's the bit that's unfair. Unfortunately life's like that sometimes.
Thank you for your well balanced point of view and advice.0 -
Sorry to be harsh but I agree with the above. Let him go and meet someone who will truly love him rather than put their own needs first 100% of the time. A marriage should mean you work together, not focus just on what you want.
I would agree if we were talking about disagreeing over buying a new car, and I was throwing a fit about my "need" for a new car. But we're not, we're talking about the wonder of having kids/family. He already has two children so he appreciates the desire that some of us have for them.0 -
kitschkitty wrote: »No your inability to research for yourself the effectiveness or vasectomy reversal before saying your marriage vows are what has caused the issue. In that sense you are truly the one at fault in this situation as you made a blind rather than short sighted decision.I disagree. I see we will not meet our minds or differ our opinions so we will just have to agree to disagree.
So you refuse to take any responsibility for the fact that you married your OH even though you knew he had a low sperm count, even though you knew this would make it difficult to concieve?
You marrying him was dependent on his reversal being a success, it wasn't ever a success, at best it was a partial success, but you still married him with full knowledge of this. How is that not your own fault for not sticking to the conditions you had set in the first place?
There is no difference when it comes to playing the blame game between your OH having a vasectomy before you knew him and you marrying him knowing full well he had fertility problems.Accept your past without regret, handle your present with confidence and face your future without fear0 -
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You have more or less summed up how I feel about the whole thing, though I will accept others opinions and their points of view, I have noticed a tendency to pick up on one element/one thing I have said of why I feel like I do and pulling it apart/focussing on it instead of looking at that the bigger picture/context of why I feel like I do.
OK so if you don't want our opinions for solutions to your problems, but you want opinions to solutions to your feelings, then you're generally talking to the wrong people as we aren't counsellors or medical professionals, and the 2 main opinions of the forumites have already been expressed - either you have a narcissistic personality disorder or you are just plain selfish. We can't really help you in this situation, we don't have your background or the knowledge needed to counsel you, and just agreeing with you isn't going to make things any better either.A waist is a terrible thing to mind.0 -
This is what I struggle with. One day I think he is enough, then something will happen to trigger my desire to have a child again and I'll start feeling the way I do all over again. Then I'll bring it up again and I'll say I'll want to leave. We'll seperate for a week then I'll decide I just can't do without him, because despite what impression people are getting I do love him and so the cycle continues.
One of these days you're going to leave and try and return home a week later, your husband will say No, I've had enough, you can't treat me like this as if Idon't have feelings or they don't count. I can no longer live my life like this, I want a divorce.
Be careful what you wish for, you seem to have no consideration for his feelings at all."You've been reading SOS when it's just your clock reading 5:05 "0
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