How to get over it - or get divorced?

POPPYOSCAR

unsure21 wrote: »

Nothing else that is "trivial" matters to me more than being with him. careers, money, where we live, holidays etc. But wanting child and a family does matter to me.
This is what is causing the conflict, I DO want to be with him, but also with his biological child too. And if I can't have both, I don't know which one I will sacrifice.

You may love him but you are not 'in love' with him IMO.

hieveryone

unsure21 wrote: »

Nothing else that is "trivial" matters to me more than being with him. careers, money, where we live, holidays etc. But wanting child and a family does matter to me.
This is what is causing the conflict, I DO want to be with him, but also with his biological child too. And if I can't have both, I don't know which one I will sacrifice.

So, maybe it was his 'fault' he got the snip. Maybe it is his fault that it didn't work being 'reversed'.

But, you're a team. You're married. You see each other through the highs and the lows.

He's been for the reversal, put himself through another op - for YOU. It didn't work, that's unfortunate.

Why not go through the IVF for him? For the BOTH of you?

No one thinks of their future and goes 'oh, I just can't wait to have IVF' - of course you want to have a baby the natural way. But, that's life. Sometimes you need an intervention.

The way I see it, you only have 4 options:

1. Divorce him and hope you find someone else fast. (and that you don't have any problems conceiving).
2. Get over it and be childless.
3. Adopt or sperm donor.
4. Go through IVF.

If 1-3 are absolutely not an option, what's the real reason for not going for number 4?

peachyprice

unsure21 wrote: »

This is what is causing the conflict, I DO want to be with him, but also with his biological child too. And if I can't have both, I don't know which one I will sacrifice.

Another way to look at it.

You're 30 already, so say you sacrifice him and become single again. You're not going to just walk into another relationship, settle down and start a family straight away, it could take years and by the time you do meet someone you love as much as you say you love your OH it may be too late by then for a baby.

Or you rush into settling on someone who is OK, but not the light of your life (because no-one may ever be able to replace your OH) so that you have time to have a baby. You'll have the baby you want, but not the man.

Either way you'd be sacrificing your OH and still not getting what you want. Is it worth giving up on what you have now on someing that you may still never get?

unsure21

I don't really want to say why I don't want IVF for fear of it turning into an huge attack on me picking apart every reason why I don't want to go through it and turning it into a debate about IVF. I accept the picking apart for the questions I've chosen to ask opinions for. But IVF just is not an option for me personally.

hieveryone

unsure21 wrote: »

I don't really want to say why I don't want IVF for fear of it turning into an huge attack on me picking apart every reason why I don't want to go through it and turning it into a debate about IVF. I accept the picking apart for the questions I've chosen to ask opinions for. But IVF just is not an option for me personally.

The way you've explained in your posts, that's the only viable option for having a biological child that is his.

Therefore, by closing that door, you are left with no other available option to have a baby by him.

JimmyTheWig

unsure21 wrote: »

I know what you are saying about him thinking his family was complete, but I just can't reconcile this with him only being 25 and not considering the what if's.

So what yuo are saying is when he felt like he was with his "forever" partner he should have been thinking "oh you never know, we might split up". Is that the sort of man that you would want to marry? Would you want to marry someone who doesn't think that marriage is forever, even when everything seems to be going ok?
It's not his fault! He did the sensible thing. He did what was right, according to what he was lead to believe at the time. This doesn't always turn out to be the right thing with hindsight, but that doesn't mean anyone is to blame if it was the right decision at the time.

Do you think that his ex's new partner is confident that they will be together forever? Or do you think that he knows that she's already finished one marriage and may well do so again?


I haven't read every post, but what was the problem with adoption?

unsure21

hieveryone wrote: »

The way you've explained in your posts, that's the only viable option for having a biological child that is his.

Therefore, by closing that door, you are left with no other available option to have a baby by him.

True. Will have to have another good think about whether I can sacrifice my desire for a family or my Husband and in the meantime keep wishing for a miracle!

unsure21

JimmyTheWig wrote: »

So what yuo are saying is when he felt like he was with his "forever" partner he should have been thinking "oh you never know, we might split up". Is that the sort of man that you would want to marry? Would you want to marry someone who doesn't think that marriage is forever, even when everything seems to be going ok?
It's not his fault! He did the sensible thing. He did what was right, according to what he was lead to believe at the time. This doesn't always turn out to be the right thing with hindsight, but that doesn't mean anyone is to blame if it was the right decision at the time.

Do you think that his ex's new partner is confident that they will be together forever? Or do you think that he knows that she's already finished one marriage and may well do so again?


I haven't read every post, but what was the problem with adoption?

Not necessarily "split up". but even at 23 and 25 either one of them could changed their feelings about having more kids, it's a long time to go. Incidentally a big part of the reason she finished with him as she wanted another baby and he couldn't have anymore.

I don't want to discuss my reasons for not wanting to adopt.

hieveryone

unsure21 wrote: »

True. Will have to have another good think about whether I can sacrifice my desire for a family or my Husband and in the meantime keep wishing for a miracle!

Miracles don't exist. Medical science is there to help 'create' miracles.

I feel for you, I really do. It's hard to really feel where you are in this situation without knowing all the facts. I'm a very 'black and white' person, and to me, with the option of IVF there, I just can't get my head around why you wouldn't do that.

kitschkitty

It is your right not to want IVF but you have to accept then that you are then equally as at "fault" (such an inappropriately used word throughout this thread) in your situation of being childless.

How would you like it if he turned round and said:

I made a terrible mistake in having a vasectomy so I got it reversed but it didn't work. But still I DEMAND you bear me an heir!!! or I'm divorcing you, and everyone pointed out that the only way you could do that was by IVF but you wouldn't/couldn't.

Would you still feel loved and valued in your marriage?

So what if you will not bear his first child - most of his "firsts" in life weren't with you either, it doesn't devalue the enjoyment you both get from the things you do together.
I'm not saying that a sperm donor is the right choice for you, nor adoption (personally I have to sadly admit your posts in this thread don't make you sound like great mother material) but you are clinging to the one option (that you WANT) that is not a possibility for you, and I don't see how anything any of us can say can make you realise how pointless/negative/silly/soul destroying etc. this is.

Blaming your husband for not giving you what you want when there's nothing he can do about it (having done all he can) is just destroying you and your marriage and if you don't want to see a councillor then I suggest you do divorce, rather than drag your husband down with you to a place/situation you choose to go/not get out of.