How to get over it - or get divorced?

suki1001

Stress can also affect fertility - considering this is affecting you really badly, how do you know you're not lowering your chances rather than it just being (or even being) your husband's fault?

unsure21

Wilma33 wrote: »

You say you don't want to put your body or your bank balance thorugh IVF. Pregnacy and childbirth puts your body through a lot worse, and supporting a child for 18 years (or 21 years, 25 years, etc) costs much, much more than IVF.

True it does. But I don't want to put my body through IVF AND all of the above. I don't want to have it. I have my own personal and ethical considerations why I do not want to have it.

Fbaby - no, he'd had it approx 4 years before I met him. No affair either. She'd had an affair, chucked him out, move the other man in and had a 6 month old baby by him before I even came on the scene.

Fluffnutter: If it was through no fault of his own, I wouldn't say it was his fault. The same way if he was in an accident and had his foot amputed and we could no longer go segewaying I wouldn't consider it his fault. But in this case it is. He voluntarily had the snip at a really young age. I could probably understand it more if he was in his 40's etc.

I don't really see the point of discussing the whole "how do you know you are ok" debate. Short of revealing all my medical records on here etc. If I'm not ok it will just be one of those things. I've gone out of my way to not make it possible deliberately.
I have no intentions of making the same mistake again, if I do divorce him and meet someone else.

unsure21

lolavix wrote: »

His 'stupidity'?! Wow how narrow minded. He obviously did it for a reason and you knew before you married yet you're now backtracking, I feel sorry for the poor bloke!

I wouldn't have married him if the reversal had not been told the reversal was successful. We'd already discussed that if it wasn't we'd remain friends but he'd try and let me go so I could pursue having a family.

unsure21

peachyprice wrote: »

Would you have married him if you had been told it wasn't successful?

No I would not have married him.

heartbreak_star

In that case you want a babydaddy not your husband...I think this is really unfair on him - he had the snip when he thought his family was complete, as many, many men do, and you're really punishing him for being sensible

You're also punishing him for the fact he had a reversal and everything isn't peachy. Your feelings are NOT his fault.

HBS x

hawk30

unsure21 wrote: »

I don't really see the point of discussing the whole "how do you know you are ok" debate. Short of revealing all my medical records on here etc. If I'm not ok it will just be one of those things. I've gone out of my way to not make it possible deliberately.
I have no intentions of making the same mistake again, if I do divorce him and meet someone else.[/QUOTE

But you could be 'all Ok' and still not be able to conceive. There is nothing wrong with me or my OH, and I still don't have a baby after many years of trying.

I think you are right that you know your answer. You can't possibly love your OH enough, if you are thinking like this. As much as I want a baby, I would never give up my OH.

unsure21

heartbreak_star wrote: »

In that case you want a babydaddy not your husband...I think this is really unfair on him - he had the snip when he thought his family was complete, as many, many men do, and you're really punishing him for being sensible

You're also punishing him for the fact he had a reversal and everything isn't peachy. Your feelings are NOT his fault.

HBS x

I do not want a "babydaddy". I want a biological child with someone I love.
I know what you are saying about him thinking his family was complete, but I just can't reconcile this with him only being 25 and not considering the what if's.
My feeling may not be his fault, but the fact he had the snip is his doing!

peachyprice

So you love him enough to provide babies, but just him isn't enough for you?

There's your answer, don't waste anymore of each other's lives. I think this relationship was always going to be doomed as you saw him as nothing more than a glorified sperm donor.

I hope you both find people who appreciate you for the people you are, not just the condition of your reproductive organs.

HeadAboveWater

hawk30 wrote: »

You can't possibly love your OH enough, if you are thinking like this. As much as I want a baby, I would never give up my OH.

I'd agree with this. And as I posted earlier, my OH is far more important to me than having kids of my own.

I just can't reconcile this with him only being 25 and not considering the what if's.
My feeling may not be his fault, but the fact he had the snip is his doing!

Put yourself in his shoes. If it was the other way about and you were 25 and you decided to have the op to ensure you couldn't have more children...

And once again, I agree with peachyprice.

unsure21

hawk30 wrote: »

unsure21 wrote: »

I don't really see the point of discussing the whole "how do you know you are ok" debate. Short of revealing all my medical records on here etc. If I'm not ok it will just be one of those things. I've gone out of my way to not make it possible deliberately.
I have no intentions of making the same mistake again, if I do divorce him and meet someone else.[/QUOTE

But you could be 'all Ok' and still not be able to conceive. There is nothing wrong with me or my OH, and I still don't have a baby after many years of trying.

I think you are right that you know your answer. You can't possibly love your OH enough, if you are thinking like this. As much as I want a baby, I would never give up my OH.

This is what I think my problem is, if he did not already have kids with someone else, I would probably get over it and just see what happens, but the fact that he's already given what I want to someone else (then it was his choice to have the snip done at such a young age) and so can't also give those things to me really hurts.

The thought of a sperm donor baby leaves me cold. And he told me in anger once that if we split up he would cut the child off "because it wouldn't be his anyway". He has since apologised and tried to take it back, but I just can;t get it out of my mind.