How to get over it - or get divorced?

unsure21

Ok I've done the really annoying thing and set up a new username, but I am an "established" moneysaver and I don't feel I can post this under my usual name.

I just don't know what to do about the situation with my husband.

He has two children with his ex. She has been a really horrible nightmare over the last few years and used seeing the kids as a weapon to hurt him/us whenever she doesn't get her own way. Put that to one side for the minute.

He'd had the snip when I first met him and he was very honest about this. Before we got married he had the reversal done and they said it was successful, but the count was low. Fast forward 3 years and still no baby (trust me we have been trying!) so went Docs again and they said it was zero.

Options are IVF: I have been through this a million times, the pros and cons etc etc and I really do not want to put myself through it or foot the expense.

Sperm donor: I can't face this, if his other two kids weren't biologically his, I think I can stand this, but it would always be in the back of my mind. They won't look like him, he's treating them differently etc.

The other problem is, I can't help but feel that if we do have a baby the experience is tarnished. He's already gone to a scan with someone else, he's already bought all the cute stuff, already experienced everything.

I don't think I would feel the way I do if I already had kids of my own. I think I'd be a lot more tolerant of the whole situation.

I've spoke to several friends over the years and they try to be nice and counsel me etc but I just can't get past this kids issue.

I also feel very bitter towards him for having the snip. He was only 25 how stupid can you get? I've tried so hard to be forgiving, but I just feel bitter. To add insult to injury it was her idea and she then has had two other kids, which only rubs salt in the wound!

Problem is I'm knocking on for 30. We can play about equality all we like but when push comes to shove I have limited years to concieve and the older I get the less chance of meeting someone who doesn't already have kids.

My big problem is, I love him. We get on great and have a nice life together. I've tried to split up with him before, but because I love him, I find it hard to be without him. But do I love him enough to sacrifice having kids?

Anyone have any words of advice (please do suggest counselling).

N.B. Ladies and gents who already have children and have found someone who is willing to accept your kids etc - that's great. This is no way a judgmental slight, just how I feel.

pawsies

You need to stop comparing yourself to life experiences that should happen. So what if he's already shopped for baby stuff? It won't have been with YOU and he's probably more knowledgeable on what's necessary and what he never used so very mse.

I think you appear paranoid and maybe this is rubbing off on him a bit? Have you discussed all of this with him? If not, I think you need to.

At least he was honest about the snip and fair enough that you want to avoid fertility options but by you restricting your preferences then you can't really blame him for getting the snip if you're also not willing to compromise with treatment.

Can you go back to the doctor and see if there is hormone enhancing drugs to make him more fertile or anything that could raise the count?

aliasojo

unsure21 wrote: »

I also feel very bitter towards him for having the snip. He was only 25 how stupid can you get? I've tried so hard to be forgiving, but I just feel bitter.

But do I love him enough to sacrifice having kids?

I don't think you do.

I think your feelings are all consuming and they will eventually cause a rift anyway. You appear to blame more than you love.

You want a baby but only on your terms (no IVF etc).

I'm not saying your feelings are wrong, they are honest and you have to acknowledge that.

Dunroamin

Have you considered that you might sacrifice this marriage and still not have children?

You could consider adoption, which would be a new experience for you both.

Bitsy_Beans

unsure21 wrote: »

Ok I've done the really annoying thing and set up a new username, but I am an "established" moneysaver and I don't feel I can post this under my usual name.

I just don't know what to do about the situation with my husband.

He has two children with his ex. She has been a really horrible nightmare over the last few years and used seeing the kids as a weapon to hurt him/us whenever she doesn't get her own way. Put that to one side for the minute.

He'd had the snip when I first met him and he was very honest about this. Before we got married he had the reversal done and they said it was successful, but the count was low. Fast forward 3 years and still no baby (trust me we have been trying!) so went Docs again and they said it was zero.

Options are IVF: I have been through this a million times, the pros and cons etc etc and I really do not want to put myself through it or foot the expense.

Sperm donor: I can't face this, if his other two kids weren't biologically his, I think I can stand this, but it would always be in the back of my mind. They won't look like him, he's treating them differently etc.

The other problem is, I can't help but feel that if we do have a baby the experience is tarnished. He's already gone to a scan with someone else, he's already bought all the cute stuff, already experienced everything.

I don't think I would feel the way I do if I already had kids of my own. I think I'd be a lot more tolerant of the whole situation.

I've spoke to several friends over the years and they try to be nice and counsel me etc but I just can't get past this kids issue.

I also feel very bitter towards him for having the snip. He was only 25 how stupid can you get? I've tried so hard to be forgiving, but I just feel bitter. To add insult to injury it was her idea and she then has had two other kids, which only rubs salt in the wound!

Problem is I'm knocking on for 30. We can play about equality all we like but when push comes to shove I have limited years to concieve and the older I get the less chance of meeting someone who doesn't already have kids.

My big problem is, I love him. We get on great and have a nice life together. I've tried to split up with him before, but because I love him, I find it hard to be without him. But do I love him enough to sacrifice having kids?

Anyone have any words of advice (please do suggest counselling).

N.B. Ladies and gents who already have children and have found someone who is willing to accept your kids etc - that's great. This is no way a judgmental slight, just how I feel.

I think the bit in bold is unfair. I don't imagine he had kids with a woman on the basis that his relationship would ultimately fail. I would assume like most couples he thought things would last. It seems to be you're laying all your blame and frustration at his door. If you can't deal with this I can't see your relationship surviving

I agree with pawsies you're doing a lot of comparing between him and his ex. So what if he's been to a scan before. That could be said about any couple having more than one child. Doesn't mean the experience of a second child is tarnished because you've done it all with the first. Likewise having a child with another person, pregnancy hasn't changed but it will be a new experience because its with you.

I hope you can find a way forward because I think eventually you will cause a rift between you and your husband.

Wilma33

Have you looked into what IVF would entail in your situation? I would have thought it would be very straightward if you have no fertility issues. Isn't it just a case of extracting his sperm and putting it in you? Sorry if TMI, but surely they don't need to remove your eggs, etc?

FBaby

You have to focus to the fact that you can't look back and get angry of what has happened. For all you know, he could have had a bad accident, or cancer treatment, whatever else could have made him infertile. Would you then resent him?

What you also need to distinguish is how much you want to be a mum as opposed to how much you want to share a child with your partner. This is very important because if what means much to you is to have a family with him because he wants it as much as you, then surely you would be prepared to consider sperm donation/adoption. Is it you who has an issue with it does he too?

Or has the desire to become a mum taken over the feelings, hence you even considering leaving him? If that is the case, you also need to consider the possibility, however small, that you could have problems too and that falling pregnant with someone else might not be as straight forward as you see it.

Whatever you chose, you will need to compromise. If you go ahead with sperm donation/adoption, you might have to work hard to psychologically accept that your common child is not his biologically like his two eldest. If you decide to leave him, you will have to hope to meet someone else, who doesn't have fertility problems, that neither you do, and that you don't miss him desperately comparing every new man you meet with him and never falling in love again as you did with him. Of course, you could also fall madly in love again and fall pregnant soon after deciding to try. Or you could decide to go with IVF, end up with bad debts or your savings depleted, or/and having to make serious financial sacrifices in addition to going through a difficult psychological time, with either your dream at the end of it, or nothing to account for it.

lolavix

OP I feel or you. I'm in a similar situation but my OH doesn't want anymore kids. We had many many nights with us both crying and discussing going our separate ways because I wasn't sure I could say I never wanted kids, and he didn't want to take the option away from me. 3 years down the line I've realised I actually dont want kids anyway and my step son is enough.
I decided I would rather not have a child than not have my OH, and I'm glad I did because I've realised I probably never wanted a child anyway. (this took 3 years of doubting myself and wondering if i had made the right choice!)

You obvioisly have much stronger feelings than i did about having children and if you have your heart set on having kids you may end up resenting him later on. Sit down and tell him how you feel, it's hard but a heart to heart will bring everything into the open and hopefully make a decision easier.

seven-day-weekend

Can you imagine life without your husband? Will anyone else be second best? If this is the case, then children are a secondary issue and if you want them there will have to be a Plan B such as IVF or adoption, or even a Plan C - make a happy life together without children.

If the children are the overwhelming need, even if it means having them with another man, then you will have to divorce I'm afraid. IMO it means you do not love your husband enough to spend the rest of your life with him without children. However you could easily be in your mid to late 30s or even older before meeting someone to have children with. Is it reaally worth divorcing over something that may never happen?

What is more important- your relationship with your husband, or having children?

tea_lover

Is IUI an option for you? Or do you not want to consider any fertility treatment?

peachyprice

So, you married a man who you knew had had a vasectomy, reversal is NEVER guaranteed, but you still married him anyway knowing you may never have children, now you are thinking of divorce because he can't have children, which you knew was always going to be a probability/possibility from the very begining?

You walked into this relationship with your eyes wide open, resenting him for something that is done, and done before he even knew you, is futile. If you really can't see beyond your need for children, then yes, I guess divorce is the only answer.