How to get over it - or get divorced?

DuckEggGingham

Please, please do NOT have a baby if you really are narcissistic as you said in one of your posts. Having grown up with a narcissistic mother, its taken me years of counselling to reach a sense of 'normality'. I have not gone no contact YET with my mother as many kids of narcissistic parents do in the end but I dislike my mother very much, a simple phone call with her makes so many ugly feelings and frustrations run through my mind. She weighs me down, she is my cross to bear. My whole family suffers because of her and my weakness to cut her off completely. I do not like her. Could this be your child saying this in the future?

You are already doing a great job self destructing your life and that of the man who loves you with your selfishness, please don't do that to a kid.

Harsh yes! But the word narcissistic makes my blood run cold and seeing you use that word to describe yourself makes me shudder.

fannyanna

Hi OP,

I've done the annoying thing of jumping in without having read the whole post so apologies if I'm way off track or repeating what has already been said.

I'm wondering if the main problem is not that he's had a vasectomy but the fact that he has this previous life which now has a huge impact on yours. Your past is your past but his past is still his present and his future - and yours as well.

What I'm wondering is whether your feelings about not being able to conceive with him would be slightly different if he didn't already have children. Infertility is painful and distressing but I can see how that would be compounded by the fact that the man you're so desperate to have a child with but can't was able to with another woman. And the fact that those children are part of your life would be like adding salt to an open wound.

But would getting pregnant resolve the problem or just create another one? How would you feel about going through a pregnancy for the first time but knowing that your partner has done it before? How would you feel when your partner does something that you perceive to put his other children before yours? Just a few examples but I'm wondering if this would also be a can of worms for you?

The most important question is how much do you want to be with your partner? If you think these things are all too much and you're not able to resovole it then you really do need to move on. But perhaps there are things that can be done to improve the situation. I think some form of therapy would be a very important part of that. But you'd need to get past your aversion of therapy.

P.S. I don't think you're bad. I believe that what you're currently communicating with us are your deepest, darkest thoughts that rarely rear their head normally.

fannyanna

FBaby wrote: »

unsure, you are suffering from a nasty illness which is called bitterness. It's a horrible disease that eats you inside and makes you lose perspective on things. I have been there. My situation was slightly different to yours, but the illness started distroying me the same way.

My situation is that I am a mum to two beautiful children, so extremely fortunate, but there is one thing I don't have, the same than what you want, that is a child with the love of my life. I won't go telling my whole story because it would take a whole page, but I experience that utter sense of bitterness and feeling of unfairness when my ex new girlfriend fell pregnant. My partner and I had been trying for 2 years after falling pregnant our first month trying. The outcome was that he had a low sperm count and with my advanced age, the odds were stacked against us. We considered IVF, but the chances of success compared to the cost seemed madness, especially when they was still a chance to fall pregnant naturally since we'd done it once, so we decided not to take that route. You know what it is like to go ttc when it isn't happening... hard.

Adding to that stress what my having to deal with a irresponsible ex. He has always been the type of dad who takes the good role and leaves the chores of raising kids to the other parent. Whilst my partner and I worked hard to support my children, my ex was unemployed, as was his partner, living off benefits, neither supporting their children (she had two boys). Yet I know from my children that whilst I was going through the trauma of ttc against the odds, they were trying for a baby (5th child between the two). I prayed with all my might that I would fall pregnant before them, but it didn't happen. My biggest pain was that my children were desperate for a sibling, constantly asking me when my partner and I would do so, begging me and I couldn't tell them that I wanted it just as much as them. So when they came back from a week-end, all excited because their dad and partner were going to be the one giving them that gift, when they couldn't even support the children they already had, I was completely consumed with bitterness. I then prayed and prayed that at least I would fall pregnant before she had the baby... but no, again, it wasn't meant to be, so I had to endure listing to my kids relating everything about their newborn brother and how excited they were. I started dreading picking them up but I had not right to make them feel guilty about their joy because of my jealousy.

Anyway, bring forward 2 years, I am still not pregnant and have now accepted it is just not going to happen. I am officially moving on as of next month (my birthday and the day I always told myself the deadline for becoming a mum). I have moved on from that perspective but... I have also moved on from the bitterness and resentment I felt about my ex. I can now hear my children talk about their brother and even ask some questions. I even found myself providing medical advice when he had some issues that my child had experience too when younger which supposedly help. The other day, my daughter introduced me to the child for the first time and I didn't feel any sadness or resentment. I have finally accepted that he is my kids' brother and that doesn't alter the relationship we have together.

Sorry for the long message, but I just wanted to say that the feeling of bitterness does get better if you allow yourself to do so. I suspect counselling didn't work for you but you are not yet prepared to move on and work on it. You are using it to be angry because anger can be easier to cope with then sadness, easier to put the blame on someone else than accepting that it is about you and learning to deal with your feelings. Counselling will only be of help when you are ready to learn to ditch the anger and bitterness.

I have to say I can't figure out what would be your reasons for not wanting to consider IVF when it is clearly your ONLY chance to get everything you want no matter how much you don't want to do it, unless it is a religious issues and that prevails all else.

People have given excellent advice in telling you what you should be focussing on, that is concentrating on assessing each door open to you and which is the one most likely to lead you to a sense of contentment in the end. Your message are clear that you are still hang up on the past and blaming stage. You WILL need to move away from it to get rid of your demons. Do try counselling again, but with a trusting and open mind letting them direct you rather than trying ti justify your feelings to them. That's not what counselling is about. Good luck.

This is a great post!

Wine_of_the_World

Just wanted to say that I don’t blame you at all for how you feel OP. I had similar thoughts/ issues with an ex who had kids from a previous relationship. I wanted to be the first person to have kids with my partner – I felt it wouldn’t be as special the second time around. I wanted to learn about things together – rather than him thinking / saying – this is what we need etc.
I split with him pretty soon after we got together. I actually didn’t know he had kids at first. Lots of other reasons why we split too!! But looking back I know I wouldn’t want to be with someone who already had children. I know it would be different if I too had children. I know friends who feel the same. I think you have to be honest with how you feel. It doesn’t make you a bad person.
Also lots of men don’t have children till their late 30s – or even 40s. None of my close friends have yet who are that age– so you do have a good chance of finding a man without kids. I think men mature later than women – not all- but in general, so it doesn’t have to be him or no one

VestanPance

Let's face facts any person looking for a partner male or female in their 30's and stating they wouldn't date someone already with kids is selecting from a pretty small percentage of that dating pool. That percentage gets smaller when you take out those that don't ever want children either.

I know one lad that had to reverse that choice as he found very few women available in their 30's to date that didn't already have children from previous relationships, or that didn't want children at all.

FBaby

Thanks fannyanna. It just only now hit me that my partner it's in the exact same situation than the OP. He doesn't face children of his own went out with me who has two from previous relationship and although it was identified that our chances of conceiving together was low he would have a decent chance with someone younger and fertile and if not certainly have a good chance at ivf. It didn't occur to me for a second because I know for a fact that my partner would never have considered leaving me for this reason. He accepted he would never be a dad and says he's just grateful to have me and that my children are lovely. They have their own dad but inevitably they are building a relationship with my partner that is special too and although will never replace a father child one is still precious. I suspect my partner was never as desperate to become a dad as the OP but he still to grieve never being a dad.

heartbreak_star

FBaby you and your partner sound lovely

OP I do think you need to get the narcissism sorted - speak to a doctor again.

Out of interest...what would you think if your child wasn't "perfect" as they grew up? E.g. disabled, facial birthmark, not good at school, a troublemaker, etc? Would you take it out on them?

HBS x