How to get over it - or get divorced?

pinkladyof66

i can understand the ops desire to have her own family ! And i really feel for her. I met my husband late in life and we married. (we tried for a family bad sadly it didnt work out) I had always wanted a family husband was take it or leave it. Hubbie was dead set against trying ivf or anything. I at first did think that my desire to have a child was more than being married. I am sorry for feeling like this but there was something missing in my life and i needed to be a mother. Hubbie did come around and we tried ivf x 2 didnt work and we then went on to adopt our little boy who is now 4 been with us a year. Hubbie is very pleased we went down the adoption route and he loves our son to bits the same as me. My desire to have a family has come real and we love him like he was our biological son.

If the desire to have a child is there I personally dont feel that it has to be biological it was never going to happen for us and it my never happen for op - so I think you have to be realistic in either going through life childless or with a child that is not biologically yours.

hieveryone

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

Some people have ethical objections to IVF, maybe the OP is one of them


To OP, I think if you really love your husband, then you need to begin to plan a life without children, then if any come along it will be a bonus. However, from what you say you do not want a childless life. Therefore, if you do not want IVF or adoption, then there is not much left but divorce and hope you will meet someone else.

OP has already stated she doesn't want to put her body through IVF, not to mention the financial side of it, so I doubt the reason is ethical. Plus, do those with a narcissistic personality (which the OP has stated she may have) observe ethics??

pinkladyof66

I went through ivf twice and now in hindsight wouldnt do it again with pumping yourself with drugs i had ohss and nearly died 1st time around. I felt terrible the whole time i was doing it. It never worked and i was mortified. Plus the cost involved all our savings went. I can totally understand too why op wouldnt want to go down this route. it is not nice and causes a lot of stress and worry in your relationship.

londoner01

unsure21 wrote: »

To be honest I think it may be better f he did. Then the decision would be made for me.

I think this is the type of thinking you need to move away from - and not just in this situation, but in life. Things don't always go how we planned, hoped, dreamt. There are some things in life that you cannot change. The correct way to tackle them is to try and understand your feelings and take a decision accordingly. You can't have the "wait around and see what happens" attitude in life, and in these situations especially, because you'll spend most of your life being unhappy and you'll never feel like the situation is changing.

Make your mind up, don't spend time waiting for a miracle or for someone else to make the decision for you! Accepting that you have to make your mind up is the first step towards a reasoned decision. The moment you accept you just can't have it your way in this situation, you will also start to understand better what you actually want. At the moment you're still trying to bend other people and "life" itself (also in its biological meaning) to your own will, and that's just not going to be a way out!

Embrace this situation and the journey of discovering yourself and your relationships that it will bring to you. I think it will be a process similar to bereavement / accepting that one has an issue / overcoming the shock of a disability. It goes something like Denial > Anger > Bargaining > Depression > Acceptance (this is for bereavement) and at the moment I would say you're in the anger phase (you blame your OH) and in the bargaining phase (you postulate that giving up your marriage will bring you a chance at the happiness you are seeking). I'm not sure how best to progress in your journey towards accepting your situation and reaching a decision, but at least realising that things just aren't going to go the way that you were hoping for is a first step.

Good luck!

DevilsAdvocate1

unsure21 wrote: »

I don't know, I really wish I did then I could get passed this. I can't explain it. Because I love him, I want him/her to be his. When I see friends baby's/small children's pictures and you can really see their parents in them. I was willing to get over this and just accept it couldn't happen. Then he said the above comment and it really set me back/made me worry.

The problem is, you can't have what you want. The only solution is to compromise. If you want children that badly and your other half is willing for a sperm donor then this could be a good compromise. Its not perfect. Its not ideal, but think of the positives. You keep the man you love and potentially have a baby too.

Another compromise is to leave your husband and hope you find someone else. Even at 30 it is likely that you won't find the perfect man with no history. You might not find someone else. However, you might find someone and have a first baby for both of you which sounds like your ideal situation. The older you are, the less likely that this will happen.

Or you can stay and accept that you will not have your own child. Each situation is a compromise, but life is like that.

I had a very, very strong desire to have children. There is absolutely no way that I could have accepted not having children and I would have considered any route possible, including adoption. If you desire is as strong as mine was (and it sounds like it is) then you are going to have to do something. You are going to have to compromise one way or another.

Good luck in what you decide.

POPPYOSCAR

DevilsAdvocate1 wrote: »

The problem is, you can't have what you want. The only solution is to compromise. If you want children that badly and your other half is willing for a sperm donor then this could be a good compromise. Its not perfect. Its not ideal, but think of the positives. You keep the man you love and potentially have a baby too.

Another compromise is to leave your husband and hope you find someone else. Even at 30 it is likely that you won't find the perfect man with no history. You might not find someone else. However, you might find someone and have a first baby for both of you which sounds like your ideal situation. The older you are, the less likely that this will happen.

Or you can stay and accept that you will not have your own child. Each situation is a compromise, but life is like that.

I had a very, very strong desire to have children. There is absolutely no way that I could have accepted not having children and I would have considered any route possible, including adoption. If you desire is as strong as mine was (and it sounds like it is) then you are going to have to do something. You are going to have to compromise one way or another.

Good luck in what you decide.

This is a good point.

There cannot be many available men of this age who have not been in a serious relationship and more than likely fathered offspring.

In my experience it is not that easy to find 'Mr Right' and fall in love.

They may not have had the snip but then again they may not want anymore children either.

*max*

unsure21 wrote: »

I think fundamentally the problem is I am a narsaccitic person.


x

I think a narcissist would have researched this condition and concentrated on it, they would not have misspelled it so badly. You can spell fundamentally, yet you can't spell narcissistic.

Why not just admit you're selfish, instead of trying to invent a psychological condition? Lots of people are selfish, you don't have to try and look for something more "excusable".

Spirit_2

I do have one daughter with my husband. We wanted more but they never came along and we neither ever wanted to find out that 'one of us was to blame'. Our decision but at times the ache and broodiness were pretty bad....and it lasted for than 10 years, I thought I felt the 'loss' more than my husband and got a bit miserable at times but in truth he would have loved more children he just was not vocalising/agonising for "might have beens" - we just dealt with it each in our own way.

I hope you are saying the "mean" things on this board only and not to him. Rant away here in a virtual life rather than bullying him because he cannot undo his past life and decisions.

FBaby

unsure, you are suffering from a nasty illness which is called bitterness. It's a horrible disease that eats you inside and makes you lose perspective on things. I have been there. My situation was slightly different to yours, but the illness started distroying me the same way.

My situation is that I am a mum to two beautiful children, so extremely fortunate, but there is one thing I don't have, the same than what you want, that is a child with the love of my life. I won't go telling my whole story because it would take a whole page, but I experience that utter sense of bitterness and feeling of unfairness when my ex new girlfriend fell pregnant. My partner and I had been trying for 2 years after falling pregnant our first month trying. The outcome was that he had a low sperm count and with my advanced age, the odds were stacked against us. We considered IVF, but the chances of success compared to the cost seemed madness, especially when they was still a chance to fall pregnant naturally since we'd done it once, so we decided not to take that route. You know what it is like to go ttc when it isn't happening... hard.

Adding to that stress what my having to deal with a irresponsible ex. He has always been the type of dad who takes the good role and leaves the chores of raising kids to the other parent. Whilst my partner and I worked hard to support my children, my ex was unemployed, as was his partner, living off benefits, neither supporting their children (she had two boys). Yet I know from my children that whilst I was going through the trauma of ttc against the odds, they were trying for a baby (5th child between the two). I prayed with all my might that I would fall pregnant before them, but it didn't happen. My biggest pain was that my children were desperate for a sibling, constantly asking me when my partner and I would do so, begging me and I couldn't tell them that I wanted it just as much as them. So when they came back from a week-end, all excited because their dad and partner were going to be the one giving them that gift, when they couldn't even support the children they already had, I was completely consumed with bitterness. I then prayed and prayed that at least I would fall pregnant before she had the baby... but no, again, it wasn't meant to be, so I had to endure listing to my kids relating everything about their newborn brother and how excited they were. I started dreading picking them up but I had not right to make them feel guilty about their joy because of my jealousy.

Anyway, bring forward 2 years, I am still not pregnant and have now accepted it is just not going to happen. I am officially moving on as of next month (my birthday and the day I always told myself the deadline for becoming a mum). I have moved on from that perspective but... I have also moved on from the bitterness and resentment I felt about my ex. I can now hear my children talk about their brother and even ask some questions. I even found myself providing medical advice when he had some issues that my child had experience too when younger which supposedly help. The other day, my daughter introduced me to the child for the first time and I didn't feel any sadness or resentment. I have finally accepted that he is my kids' brother and that doesn't alter the relationship we have together.

Sorry for the long message, but I just wanted to say that the feeling of bitterness does get better if you allow yourself to do so. I suspect counselling didn't work for you but you are not yet prepared to move on and work on it. You are using it to be angry because anger can be easier to cope with then sadness, easier to put the blame on someone else than accepting that it is about you and learning to deal with your feelings. Counselling will only be of help when you are ready to learn to ditch the anger and bitterness.

I have to say I can't figure out what would be your reasons for not wanting to consider IVF when it is clearly your ONLY chance to get everything you want no matter how much you don't want to do it, unless it is a religious issues and that prevails all else.

People have given excellent advice in telling you what you should be focussing on, that is concentrating on assessing each door open to you and which is the one most likely to lead you to a sense of contentment in the end. Your message are clear that you are still hang up on the past and blaming stage. You WILL need to move away from it to get rid of your demons. Do try counselling again, but with a trusting and open mind letting them direct you rather than trying ti justify your feelings to them. That's not what counselling is about. Good luck.

Bitsy_Beans

unsure21 wrote: »

I generally see your point overall, but I do not feel I am equally at fault. His actions of making a very short sighted decision (rightly or wrongly at the time) is what has caused the issue in this case.

I find this terribly sad.

Have you ever made a judgment call which you later wished you hadn't? Ever made a mistake or do you sit in your ivory tower all day, untouched by human error your H made a decision, years before he met you. And you are punishing him for it.

Quite frankly I beginning to wonder if he would not be better off without you. You want a baby above your husband and you're prepared to ditch him because he can't physically give you what you want. I could kind of understand your attitude if he wasn't prepared to do anything to accommodate your wishes and desires but he has. And yet that counts for nothing. You're blinkered in your selfish, all consuming desire for that shiny object and missing out what great things you have going for you. A husband who loves you, is prepared to try and give you what you want and all you can do is blame him.
Poor man I think deserves better

I am not convinced you're ready to be a mother either. If you're incapable of putting other people's needs first how on earth would you cope with a child?