How to get over it - or get divorced?

unsure21

kitschkitty wrote: »

OK so if you don't want our opinions for solutions to your problems, but you want opinions to solutions to your feelings, then you're generally talking to the wrong people as we aren't counsellors or medical professionals, and the 2 main opinions of the forumites have already been expressed - either you have a narcissistic personality disorder or you are just plain selfish. We can't really help you in this situation, we don't have your background or the knowledge needed to counsel you, and just agreeing with you isn't going to make things any better either.

Not at all. I never said I didn't want to hear you opinion, I just said I do not agree with that part of it. The root cause of it I see as his fault and no amount of debating will change my opinion on that. I see little point in keep stressing the same thing to me or saying the same thing in different words (saying it my fault too (peachyprice)). As I said I will respect that opinion you have a right to hold it but I just will not agre. However if you wish to keep repeating yourself please feel free.

I understand that why to some I come across as those things you said. If you could just see it from my point of view for a minute (even if you don't agree). Say I remain childless and quell my desire for a family the best I can and he clears off in 10 years and I end up alone having completely sacrificed my desires for him? That's why I feel I am not as bad as some of you are making out. We're not talking about an object here,or something trivial here that isn't considered a pretty natural desire for me to have.

clearingout

unsure21 wrote: »

I do not want a "babydaddy". I want a biological child with someone I love.
I know what you are saying about him thinking his family was complete, but I just can't reconcile this with him only being 25 and not considering the what if's.
My feeling may not be his fault, but the fact he had the snip is his doing!

I haven't read the whole thread but wanted to comment on this.

When I married, I married for life. It never occured to me that things might not turn out the way I was expecting. I wanted my ex to have a vasectomy because after two children, I considered I had finished my family and frankly, would have liked to enjoy my sex life for as long as possible! My ex refused - I know now because he was having an affair so was never going to commit to me in that way - which I accepted and lo and behold, we had another child by genuine accident a couple of years later.

I can't get my head round why you think your husband was in some way...wrong to make the decision he did, when he did. He was married, presumably happily, he had a couple of children which is more than enough in this day and age. It is only with experience, age and some cynicism that we come to realise we were perhaps daft in our youth but he made a decision that was perfectly reasonable at the time. I would never enter a new relationship, let alone a marriage, without one eye on the 'what if's...but had I remained in a faithful partnership, I can't imagine I would be able to understand your point of view at all.

You don't want counselling...why? what are you afraid of? Scared that you might find out something about yourself you don't like? scared someone independent might think you unreasonable?

unsure21

sammyjammy wrote: »

One of these days you're going to leave and try and return home a week later, your husband will say No, I've had enough, you can't treat me like this as if Idon't have feelings or they don't count. I can no longer live my life like this, I want a divorce.

Be careful what you wish for, you seem to have no consideration for his feelings at all.

I know he will have a breaking point too. I do have consideration for his feelings, but at the end of the day he does already have two lovely children and he's not particularly bothered about having anymore either way.

unsure21

clearingout wrote: »

I haven't read the whole thread but wanted to comment on this.

When I married, I married for life. It never occured to me that things might not turn out the way I was expecting. I wanted my ex to have a vasectomy because after two children, I considered I had finished my family and frankly, would have liked to enjoy my sex life for as long as possible! My ex refused - I know now because he was having an affair so was never going to commit to me in that way - which I accepted and lo and behold, we had another child by genuine accident a couple of years later.

I can't get my head round why you think your husband was in some way...wrong to make the decision he did, when he did. He was married, presumably happily, he had a couple of children which is more than enough in this day and age. It is only with experience, age and some cynicism that we come to realise we were perhaps daft in our youth but he made a decision that was perfectly reasonable at the time. I would never enter a new relationship, let alone a marriage, without one eye on the 'what if's...but had I remained in a faithful partnership, I can't imagine I would be able to understand your point of view at all.

You don't want counselling...why? what are you afraid of? Scared that you might find out something about yourself you don't like? scared someone independent might think you unreasonable?

Hi, thank you for your balanced post.

Counseling hasn't worked. And I tried, I really did. I thought here might offer "ordinary" people's perspective and maybe change the way I feel.

shegirl

You want a fully honest reply?If I was your husband I'd be divorcing you!!!

unsure21 wrote: »

Hi thanks everyone. I did try and respond last night, but everytime I checked back I got "Forum down for maintenence".

I accept/appreciate everything everyone says - except it could have come about because of cancer/accident - why I don't disagree with that statement factually, I feel that I wouldn't feel so bitter if it wasn't his "fault" like I see it as now.

I know vasrcomtony reversals aren't guarenteed, but as I was told it was successful and heard so many success stories I naively thought it was sorted before I married him.

Again I accept that each child is special etc, but I don't see it the same as if you are on your second or third TOGETHER, because you did share the first experience together, so I just can't lump it in the same catorgery as having a second child for other couples.

I have looked into all sorts of IVF and I don't want to put my body or my bank balance through it. IUI is not possible in our case (I can't remember why the Doc said that) so your talking "full" IVF. Even with an egg sharing scheme you're looking in excess of £5k a go.

Judi - yes he went through a snip reversal but I see the IVF as there is nothing wrong with me, so why should I go through this, when it was his stupiditiy that caused the issue. Plus I other issues with it that are a whole other debate.

It was supposed to say do NOT suggest councelling - sorry.

I think fundamentally the problem is I am a narsaccitic person. I was hurt very badly in various ways in my younger ways and I just do not get attached to people the way I used too. Although I feel I love him I will always put my needs first and to be honest, why I really appreciate seeing form all the perspectives you have put forward, as I asked for, I just don't think I can get over this.

I was willing to get past the whole "it's niot special because he's done it before", because I do see that is just me being brat. But not being able to have his biological child is just something I can't get passed.

So I think I have my answer.

Thanks all.

x

unsure21

shegirl wrote: »

You want a fully honest reply?If I was your husband I'd be divorcing you!!!

To be honest I think it may be better f he did. Then the decision would be made for me.

Tiglath

I'm sorry but I think the only sensible option is for you to divorce and go your separate ways. He deserves to be loved for who and what he is, and you want the opportunity to try to have a child on your terms (whether you will ever get that is a moot point). Neither of those things is wrong, but your lives and futures are simply incompatible, and that's the way it is, so why prolong the pain. Things will only go downhill from here. From what you've said on here, your marriage is effectively over already because I can't see your mind changing on this. Let him go.

unsure21

Tiglath wrote: »

I'm sorry but I think the only sensible option is for you to divorce and go your separate ways. He deserves to be loved for who and what he is, and you want the opportunity to try to have a child on your terms (whether you will ever get that is a moot point). Neither of those things is wrong, but your lives and futures are simply incompatible, and that's the way it is, so why prolong the pain. Things will only go downhill from here. From what you've said on here, your marriage is effectively over already because I can't see your mind changing on this. Let him go.

To be honest I think this is the way to go and stand strong and not take him back despite what happens.

POPPYOSCAR

unsure21 wrote: »

Not at all. I never said I didn't want to hear you opinion, I just said I do not agree with that part of it. The root cause of it I see as his fault and no amount of debating will change my opinion on that. I see little point in keep stressing the same thing to me or saying the same thing in different words (saying it my fault too (peachyprice)). As I said I will respect that opinion you have a right to hold it but I just will not agre. However if you wish to keep repeating yourself please feel free.

I understand that why to some I come across as those things you said. If you could just see it from my point of view for a minute (even if you don't agree). Say I remain childless and quell my desire for a family the best I can and he clears off in 10 years and I end up alone having completely sacrificed my desires for him? That's why I feel I am not as bad as some of you are making out. We're not talking about an object here,or something trivial here that isn't considered a pretty natural desire for me to have.

But what makes you think that by having children you will not be alone?

There is no guarantee that your children will be around when they grow up and lead their own lives.

Children are not a substitute for a partner.

shirlgirl2004

You have already said that even if you did suddenly get pregnant by him you would feel jealous because he's already a father and been there and done that with regard to scans etc so I don't think you'll ever be happy. Do him a favour and leave once and for all. You will never be happy with the way things are and TBH I don't think you will be if you leave but I think he will be.