How to get over it - or get divorced?

mountainofdebt

unsure21 wrote: »

To be honest I think it may be better f he did. Then the decision would be made for me.

Or would it shift the blame from you to him?

Tiglath

Do you feel you're trying to punish him because he doesn't want a child as much as you do? Is that maybe behind your negative feelings about having IVF?

POPPYOSCAR

I have read your first post again and it seems to me that this is about him already having children as much as you wanting them.

It seems like it is some sort of competition.

His first wife had children with him so you must have children with him in order to validate your relationship.

You blame him for having a vasectomy which in most opinions is not right.

This comes across to me that you are actually insecure in your relationship.

unsure21

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

I have read your first post again and it seems to me that this is about him already having children as much as you wanting them.

It seems like it is some sort of competition.

His first wife had children with him so you must have children with him in order to validate your relationship.

You blame him for having a vasectomy which in most opinions is not right.

This comes across to me that you are actually insecure in your relationship.

Not exactly a "competition" as such. But I admit it exacerbates (?) the situation, makes it worse, as someone else has something I want.

kitschkitty

unsure21 wrote: »

Not exactly a "competition" as such. But I admit it exacerbates (?) the situation, makes it worse, as someone else has something I want.

The world is full of other people who have things we want. Spending any time whatsoever dwelling on that will make you very unhappy no matter how good your own life is. You will either ruin your own life or someone elses if you can't stop that way of thinking.

POPPYOSCAR

unsure21 wrote: »

Not exactly a "competition" as such. But I admit it exacerbates (?) the situation, makes it worse, as someone else has something I want.

I can understand that.

But what I do not understand is walking away from someone you love because of it.

My OH has children from before I met him but wild horses would not drive me away from him.

Tiglath

unsure21 wrote: »

Not exactly a "competition" as such. But I admit it exacerbates (?) the situation, makes it worse, as someone else has something I want.

I kind of know how you feel. I never wanted kids, but the fact that my DH already had kids was yet more confirmation of my decision most definitely not to have any - he'd been there/done that already. As he wasn't fussed about having more kids, and I settled in my own mind that I didn't want any under any circumstances, that was our decision made and we've never regretted it.

seven-day-weekend

hieveryone wrote: »

Miracles don't exist. Medical science is there to help 'create' miracles.

I feel for you, I really do. It's hard to really feel where you are in this situation without knowing all the facts. I'm a very 'black and white' person, and to me, with the option of IVF there, I just can't get my head around why you wouldn't do that.

Some people have ethical objections to IVF, maybe the OP is one of them


To OP, I think if you really love your husband, then you need to begin to plan a life without children, then if any come along it will be a bonus. However, from what you say you do not want a childless life. Therefore, if you do not want IVF or adoption, then there is not much left but divorce and hope you will meet someone else.

GracieP

OP I sympathise I really do but it seems to me that you are absolutely set on doing things your way or no way. You want a baby with your husband, you want that baby to come from a straightforward sexual conception. That's a normal thing to want. But in your case that's just not likely to happen. So you have to accept that and decide what you want more. Your marriage. Divorcing and hoping to meet someone new who wants children quite quickly and neither of you having fertility issues. Or accepting the fact that it won't come as easily as you hoped and going for fertility treatment. If it was me I'd be going for the fertility treatment, most likely ICSI due to the nature of your husband's difficulty. I'd do whatever I had to in order to get money to pay for it and I'd go through with it. I have no doubt it would be hellish and I'd hate it but needs must. The only way you are likely to have a child with this man is with treatment and that is the treatment most likely to work.

However if you are so completely opposed to IVF technologies perhaps you could try contacting Napro, who offer an alternative to IVF fertility treatment because they are ethically opposed to IVF. Their main success rates are with female fertility issues like endometriosis but afaik, they do have some successes with low sperm counts. I'm really not sure how much help they'd be able to provide in your situation but I guess it wouldn't hurt to contact them for a chat.
http://www.fertilitycare.net/

aliasojo

unsure21 wrote: »

I think fundamentally the problem is I am a narsaccitic person.

Although I feel I love him I will always put my needs first ......

No more need be said. I think you already know within you what you want to do.