How to get over it - or get divorced?

Welshwoofs

unsure21 wrote: »

No. My goal is to have a family with the person I am in love with. And at present I can't have both of them.

If you're not careful, you may well end up with neither of them and a long, looooooong time to sit and regret.

JimmyTheWig

unsure21 wrote: »

Incidentally a big part of the reason she finished with him as she wanted another baby and he couldn't have anymore.

So if he didn't have the snip then you wouldn't be together. You would never have known this man that you love.
Sounds like, actually, with hindsight it wasn't a bad thing!

unsure21

kitschkitty wrote: »

It is your right not to want IVF but you have to accept then that you are then equally as at "fault" (such an inappropriately used word throughout this thread) in your situation of being childless.
.

I generally see your point overall, but I do not feel I am equally at fault. His actions of making a very short sighted decision (rightly or wrongly at the time) is what has caused the issue in this case.

londoner01

I don't know how these things work, but would a surrogate not do?

Anyway, it's fine if you don't want to go into the reasons why you're not into IVF or adoption. But you do have to make a choice that actually pertains to reality. You would like your family to be:
* with him
* with a biological child of yours and his
* without resorting to IVF
* without resorting to adoption
* without resorting to sperm donation

This is impossible. So now you have to choose with of these feelings is more important to you:
* your desire to have a family
* your desire to be with him
* your reasons not to want IVF, adoption, sperm donor etc
One of them will have to give!

All the blaming for the snip is irrelevant. It's as if you were breaking up because he has a tattoo with his ex's initial which has not been removed as well as you'd hope. The intention surely was there?
So get it out of your head whose fault it is, because it doesn't help to think that way. So you're landed in this situation, and all the things that could possibly be done to improve it have been done. What's your next step?

We can't tell you what you want, but we can tell you that you can't have everything. So try to understand what it is that you want most.
With the knowledge that afterwards you have to stick by your decision. Because you can't blame someone for taking a final decision and regretting it later, and then go ahead and do the same yourself!

Think of these scenarios and decide for yourself:
* with him, but without children
* with children, but without him
* with children and with him, but with children that aren't biologically his/yours/been in your womb

I know what I'd do in your place, adoption all the way, but I'm not you am I?

The thing you have to eliminate from all this is the blaming and the "he said this even though he didn't mean it I can't forget" etc. because it's irrelevant and, frankly, a bit childish!

alias*alibi

Maybe it's a blessing in disguise; for him anyway, as you sound like the type of person who would expect YOUR child to come first over his other children thinking your child was 'better', judging by your selfish and quite frankly rude attitude.

kitschkitty

unsure21 wrote: »

I generally see your point overall, but I do not feel I am equally at fault. His actions of making a very short sighted decision (rightly or wrongly at the time) is what has caused the issue in this case.

No your inability to research for yourself the effectiveness or vasectomy reversal before saying your marriage vows are what has caused the issue. In that sense you are truly the one at fault in this situation as you made a blind rather than short sighted decision.

peachyprice

londoner01 wrote: »

you can't blame someone for taking a final decision and regretting it later, and then go ahead and do the same yourself!

She already did that when she married him knowing full well he had a low sperm count after the reversal when only his biological child would do, but she doesn't seem to be able to accept her own responsibility for making that decision. In her eyes it's still all his fault.

POPPYOSCAR

unsure21 wrote: »

I generally see your point overall, but I do not feel I am equally at fault. His actions of making a very short sighted decision (rightly or wrongly at the time) is what has caused the issue in this case.

I think you should think twice about becoming a mother as I do not think you fully realise what bringing up a child means.

It will mean sacrifice, give and take, selflessness, and many other things which you do not seem able to do.

unsure21

kitschkitty wrote: »

No your inability to research for yourself the effectiveness or vasectomy reversal before saying your marriage vows are. In that sense you are truly the one at fault in this situation as you made a blind rather than short sighted decision.

I disagree. I see we will not meet our minds or differ our opinions so we will just have to agree to disagree.

lolavix

alias*alibi wrote: »

Maybe it's a blessing in disguise; for him anyway, as you sound like the type of person who would expect YOUR child to come first over his other children thinking your child was 'better', judging by your selfish and quite frankly rude attitude.

Sorry to be harsh but I agree with the above. Let him go and meet someone who will truly love him rather than put their own needs first 100% of the time. A marriage should mean you work together, not focus just on what you want.