How to get over it - or get divorced?

unsure21

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

But what makes you think that by having children you will not be alone?

There is no guarantee that your children will be around when they grow up and lead their own lives.

Children are not a substitute for a partner.

I didn't mean it quite that way. (I understand it did probably come across that way).

I meant I could make this huge sacrifice by giving up my desire/quest for a family for the man I love, then in 1/5/10 years still end up WITHOUT him. (Yes and before anyone says I accept one of us could die/end up paralyzed/go to prison etc etc)

Welshwoofs

unsure21 wrote: »

I know he will have a breaking point too. I do have consideration for his feelings, but at the end of the day he does already have two lovely children and he's not particularly bothered about having anymore either way.

Out of interest - this bitterness and hate you have towards him for having the snip....do you take it out on him or are you able to completely hide it?

Because, at the end of the day, you've cut off all the alternative options for having a child and he cannot have a child with you naturally. So you really need to ask yourself....if you stay with him, are you going to be kicking him forever more for something that he can't help or do anything about? If the answer is 'yes' then your marriage is over....it's just a case of when the logistics catch up with the reality.

I actually don't understand the drive women have to have children (and I am a woman), so only you know if you can live with not having a child at all if you are absolutely adamant that you won't consider alternatives. If you can't live with it then divorce...but do so knowing that you may not find someone else you love as much and, if you do, you may find they don't want children or can't have children.

System

unsure21 wrote: »

My goal is to have a family with the person I am in love with.

To be frank you don't sound very lovable. I'd have run a mile even if my vasectomy-reversal had worked.

clearingout

unsure21 wrote: »

Hi, thank you for your balanced post.

Counseling hasn't worked. And I tried, I really did. I thought here might offer "ordinary" people's perspective and maybe change the way I feel.

there are lots of different perspectives and approaches to counselling and psychotherapy. It may well be worth some research to see if one approach 'appeals' to you more than others - and then find a qualified and experienced therapist to help you work through things. I think you should feel uncomfortable at some level whilst in counselling, you need to 'work', you shouldn't have a therapist who simply agrees with you or lends a listening ear without much comment (which is my experience a couple of times when I have turned to counselling for support with specific issues).

unsure21

shirlgirl2004 wrote: »

You have already said that even if you did suddenly get pregnant by him you would feel jealous because he's already a father and been there and done that with regard to scans etc so I don't think you'll ever be happy. Do him a favour and leave once and for all. You will never be happy with the way things are and TBH I don't think you will be if you leave but I think he will be.

The last sentence not quite. Whenever I have tried to split up with him, he constantly begs me to take him back. Even when we have sensible/adult conversations about why I want a family and I can't quite shake that desire. You are getting a very narrow viewpoint of me from this thread, and I do understand that. I think I can get over the jealousy of him having done it before and I think if I did get pregnant, it probably wouldn't even enter my mind. I feel because I have the desire to have his child so badly it has sort of manifested itself and I've turned this into a big deal.

Pthree

The thing is, he has done just about everything he can to give the child that you want (you stated earlier that he was not really that fussed either way) but he did that for you, because he loves you.

You, on the other hand aren't really willing to do anything apart from blame him for his failure to have super sperm after his reversal.

IVF out of the question with not valid reason given (perhaps if you offered it up people may be more understanding)
Adoption and sperm doners are out as the child wouldn't be "both of yours".

Every suggestion given has been knocked back by you, so I think, IMO what your looking for is permission to divorce him.

I grant it. Let him move on and find someone who loves him for what he can give them and not hate him for what he cant.

Good luck, I think your going to need it.

P3

unsure21

Clifford_Pope wrote: »

To be frank you don't sound very lovable. I'd have run a mile even if my vasectomy-reversal had worked.

I understand why you think that from this narrow perspective, but he is an adult so he could leave anytime if he thinks I'm that bad!

mountainofdebt

unsure21 wrote: »

I don't really want to say why I don't want IVF for fear of it turning into an huge attack on me picking apart every reason why I don't want to go through it and turning it into a debate about IVF. I accept the picking apart for the questions I've chosen to ask opinions for. But IVF just is not an option for me personally.

OK here's my take on IVF having watched someone go through 2 lots of IVF.

IVF is the most clinical way not to mention the most emotionally draining way of creating a baby that I have ever seen.

I totally get why people find IVF stressful - its not a simple case of nipping down to the hospital and hey presto the woman is pregnant.

Hell even if you get pregnant there's not always a baby at the end of it

But you have to work out what you want from life and then you have to decide whether you're prepared to make compromises.

If you love your OH - and forget the rubbish about it not being his first (you always knew that would be the case even if there wasn't the fertility issue) - then you have to decide whether you're prepared to compromise on trying for a baby via IVF or to leave it up to fate.

Because if you're not prepared to compromise on the baby issue - and that's the real deal breaker - then there is no question as to whether you should stay with your OH

(though having said that - how would you feel if you did split up, and he got together with someone who later become pregnant?)

POPPYOSCAR

unsure21 wrote: »

The last sentence not quite. Whenever I have tried to split up with him, he constantly begs me to take him back. Even when we have sensible/adult conversations about why I want a family and I can't quite shake that desire. You are getting a very narrow viewpoint of me from this thread, and I do understand that. I think I can get over the jealousy of him having done it before and I think if I did get pregnant, it probably wouldn't even enter my mind. I feel because I have the desire to have his child so badly it has sort of manifested itself and I've turned this into a big deal.

You see I do not get this.

You have this desire so badly to have HIS child but are prepared to break up with him if you do not.

Does not make any sense.

kitschkitty

unsure21 wrote: »

I understand that why to some I come across as those things you said. If you could just see it from my point of view for a minute (even if you don't agree). Say I remain childless and quell my desire for a family the best I can and he clears off in 10 years and I end up alone having completely sacrificed my desires for him? That's why I feel I am not as bad as some of you are making out. We're not talking about an object here,or something trivial here that isn't considered a pretty natural desire for me to have.

I do see your point of view but you have trapped yourself in some very negative thought pathways, and I don't see any positivity in anything you are saying or any of the options you are willing to accept for yourself.

You are putting across a "grass is always greener" point of view.

What ifs..

what if you meet someone new and can't conceive,
have miscarriages
have a baby/child that dies
have a child that is disabled
have a "problem" child
a child that abuses you or runs away
a partner who at some point abuses you
abuses your child
a partner that dies
a partner who can't conceive
you can't conceive
you get ill
he gets ill
you're disabled
he is
you die
he does...

all these what if are so pointless.

What if you stay with the husband you love and don't have children and you find a way to deal with your issues (that works for you) and live happily ever after...

I don't think you are a bad person, but you're not seeing the bigger picture (as you say you want us to do), and you aren't actually showing that you are giving thought to alternative ways to deal with your situation that are suggested as you instantly discount them (and while I think you have to total right to keep your reasoning to yourself it doesn't help us understand where you're coming from) and so you keep coming back to the opinions you originally expressed by agreeing with people who agree with you.

If divorce is the only option that you see then we cannot say any more and you have to accept 100% that you may well find yourself in exactly the same conundrum, only with no partner in sight and consequently no child anyway.