How to get over it - or get divorced?

System

You dont have to have children with someone to love them you know.

My friend is in a similar position. Her husband had the snip in his previous marriage and although she would dearly love children he wont entertain the idea of a reversal. She says she knew what she signed up for before she married him.

At least your husband made the effort to have a reversal.

Options are IVF: I have been through this a million times, the pros and cons etc etc and I really do not want to put myself through it or foot the expense.

If your husband can go through having his vasectomy reversed and you really want children. Why are you so against doing something yourself?

mildredalien

Not only do you feel bitter towards him for a decision he made years ago before you met him, probably with some thought given to it (got to assume!!) but you also seem jealous that he has had children before you, and uncertain how you would feel about a child that isn't biologically his (or yours?). There seem to be a lot of issues here, and they don't really seem to be about him. You must have known that having children might be problematic when you married him??

Your post says 'please do suggest counselling' - I'm assuming it means don't, or you wouldn't have posted it ... however for such a complex issue there isn't some magic answer that will make everything better, and if you aren't both willing to discuss it or work through it then it's not likely to improve either.

HeadAboveWater

unsure21 wrote: »

He'd had the snip when I first met him and he was very honest about this.

I also feel very bitter towards him for having the snip.

Were you bitter at the very start when he was open and honest? Or is it just because it doesn't really suit your plans now?

lolavix wrote: »

I'm in a similar situation but my OH doesn't want anymore kids. We had many many nights with us both crying and discussing going our separate ways because I wasn't sure I could say I never wanted kids, and he didn't want to take the option away from me. 3 years down the line I've realised I actually dont want kids anyway and my step son is enough.
I decided I would rather not have a child than not have my OH, and I'm glad I did because I've realised I probably never wanted a child anyway. (this took 3 years of doubting myself and wondering if i had made the right choice!)

You could be me lolavix! OH has 3 DD from his marriage and doesn't want any more kids. When we first got serious the conversation about kids did come up, and at the time I wasn't sure if I did or didn't want any. Things got, well, rather hairy between us because of the uncertainty on my part and the certainty on his, and we almost split

I've since moved in with him and his (teenage!) girls. I know that OH is the most important thing to me. More so than having kids of my own. I'm happy with being an adult figure for his girls. I absolutely love them to pieces and wouldn't change a thing.

OH has since said that if I did really want kids he would. But to be honest, I don't! I am truly happy with my life

And I totally agree with what peachyprice and mildredalien says.

heartbreak_star

I think there's some feelings of jealousy in there.

And I know you don't want to (why?) but counselling would be a good start - sometimes it helps to offload to someone who's not connected with the situation.

HBS x

suki1001

I can understand how you feel, because of your situation, but as others have said, people make life changing decisions, because at the time it seems like the right thing to do. The snip will have been a joint decision and I can understand why his ex might have suggested it - it's easier than the female version, plus otherwise it's constant contraception - I've suggested it to my oh before.

Things never pan out as you expect, remember the snip wasn't done to spite you - it was the best option at the time and he has reversed it.

He has had children before, but the novelty doesn't wear off each time you go for a scan, you love each child just as much. If anything his previous experience should be a big help (as others have said) and as he is now older and you learn from these experiences, it may mean he is more considerate to you than he might have been with his first partner, because hindsight is a wonderful thing.

I certainly know my other half would be better if we had more children now - more willing to give me lie-ins etc.

unsure21

Hi thanks everyone. I did try and respond last night, but everytime I checked back I got "Forum down for maintenence".

I accept/appreciate everything everyone says - except it could have come about because of cancer/accident - why I don't disagree with that statement factually, I feel that I wouldn't feel so bitter if it wasn't his "fault" like I see it as now.

I know vasrcomtony reversals aren't guarenteed, but as I was told it was successful and heard so many success stories I naively thought it was sorted before I married him.

Again I accept that each child is special etc, but I don't see it the same as if you are on your second or third TOGETHER, because you did share the first experience together, so I just can't lump it in the same catorgery as having a second child for other couples.

I have looked into all sorts of IVF and I don't want to put my body or my bank balance through it. IUI is not possible in our case (I can't remember why the Doc said that) so your talking "full" IVF. Even with an egg sharing scheme you're looking in excess of £5k a go.

Judi - yes he went through a snip reversal but I see the IVF as there is nothing wrong with me, so why should I go through this, when it was his stupiditiy that caused the issue. Plus I other issues with it that are a whole other debate.

It was supposed to say do NOT suggest councelling - sorry.

I think fundamentally the problem is I am a narsaccitic person. I was hurt very badly in various ways in my younger ways and I just do not get attached to people the way I used too. Although I feel I love him I will always put my needs first and to be honest, why I really appreciate seeing form all the perspectives you have put forward, as I asked for, I just don't think I can get over this.

I was willing to get past the whole "it's niot special because he's done it before", because I do see that is just me being brat. But not being able to have his biological child is just something I can't get passed.

So I think I have my answer.

Thanks all.

x

peachyprice

unsure21 wrote: »

I know vasrcomtony reversals aren't guarenteed, but as I was told it was successful and heard so many success stories I naively thought it was sorted before I married him.

Would you have married him if you had been told it wasn't successful?

HeadAboveWater

I'm wondering the same as peachyprice actually!.

Although I find this more worrying...

unsure21 wrote: »

yes he went through a snip reversal but I see the IVF as there is nothing wrong with me, so why should I go through this, when it was his stupiditiy that caused the issue. Plus I other issues with it that are a whole other debate

Is this what goes through your mind every time you have a disagreement about anything? Nothing wrong with you so he must be stupid?

tea_lover

unsure21 wrote: »

Judi - yes he went through a snip reversal but I see the IVF as there is nothing wrong with me, so why should I go through this, when it was his stupiditiy that caused the issue.

That's a horrible thing to say. He made a decision that was right for his family at the time, at a time he didn't even know you. He was open with you about it from the start, and he's done what he can to reverse it. At no point has he been 'stupid'.

I'll be starting ICSI soon, mostly due to male-factor issues. Maybe I should refuse to go through it as it's my OH's 'fault' that we're not getting pregnant naturally.

If you want children, you need to do what you can to make it happen. If you can't afford IVF or really don't like the thought of it that's one thing - but to say you won't do it because it's your husband's fault is just madness.

Honestly your last post sounded incredibly selfish.

clearing_out_my_pockets

With all due respect how do you *know* there is nothing wrong with you also? You might find yourself in five years time in a relationship with someone else still unable to have a child via any means other than IVF. Surely it's better to spend the money to try to have a child with the man you chose to marry rather than pin your hopes on finding someone to replace him and try again.

I appreciate that doesn't read very well but hopefully my point comes across!