Wanted a girl, devastated it's a boy...

marisco_2 · 15 October 2012 at 8:16PM

There is such a thing as pre-natal depression. I think your SIL may be suffering from this. Her reaction to discovering her second child isn't the little girl she planned for is extreme to say the least. I think there is way more to all this than what is between the babies legs. Did she really think that having a boy and then a girl was as simple as hoping for that and it then happening? That seems more than a little naive to me.

I have two boys. I will openly admit that when I had my 20 week scan with my second baby and discovered I was having another boy, I felt a tiny bit disappointed for a moment that I would never have a daughter. That feeling soon stopped though and I was just glad to know I was carrying a healthy baby. No one child is the same as another. My two are like chalk and cheese. So having same sex children does not mean you just repeat the same experiences when you raise them. My eldest is quiet, calm, studious, thoughtful and the one I love to talk and debate with. My youngest is exuberant, funny, lively and a little dare devil.

What is the response by her husband and family and friends when she refers to the baby in what is quite frankly an awful way? Do people show their shock and upset at it or tiptoe around her so as not to distress her any more. This needs to be addressed before the baby arrives either by some frank, honest discussions or by speaking to her gp. This is more than just about your SIL and her feelings. If this isn't sorted out then the welfare of a child and the family dynamic is at risk. Her husband burying his head in the sand and thinking this will all improve when baby arrives is not going to improve things.

All of the people I have known who have had a baby boy then gone on to have their much longed for daughter have rued the day they wished for her. My sister says the 'pink novelty' wears off really fast. Apparently by all accounts girls are much harder work emotionally and quite complicated.

sexki11en · 15 October 2012 at 8:20PM

I am SO angry reading this. She needs to grow the f*** up! She HAS the perfect family whether she realises it or not. What a selfish, spolit brat she must be - I pity your brother and I pity the child.

I (and many others like me) would give my right arm for a baby, any baby. I've tried for 3 years, 2 rounds of IVF and was lucky enough to fall pregnant this time last year but sadly lost the baby. I was devastated - SHE has nothing to be "devastated" about!

JustKeepSwimming_2 · 15 October 2012 at 8:22PM

janninew wrote: »

Interesting article here

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/wellbeing/7714755/Gender-disappointment-Coping-with-the-wrong-baby.html

I wonder if the people who think she is being selfish think I'm selfish as well as I'm being treated for PND. I am incredibly grateful for my Daughter but having PND isn't something I can control.

I doubt anyone would think you are selfish at all - PND is a horrible condition that you cant control, you are right. I wish you well & applaud your honesty. PND was very much brushed under the carpet when I had my DD (yes, I'm that old) & a friend who suffered was dismissed as being "silly" & "wallowing in herself when she should just get on & look after the baby & stop being so selfish" (words from the midwife when we were on the same ward after both having C-sections). She struggled on for months feeling gulity for being silly when she was in fact very ill. Thankfully as is well with her & her DS although she refused to have a second as she couldn't bear the thought of possibly going through it all again.

Sulkisu - I think you or her OH should speak to a GP or health visitor sooner rather than later, so that she can get the help she needs. I think you are being so thoughtful considering what you have been through, & I hope she appreciates it when she gets through this. Delighted to hear you are looking forward to twins - best of luck.

morocha wrote: »

I feel sorry for your SIL, my cousin was the same, she really wanted a boy that rejected her little girl when she was born. Everything could have been different if she spoke to someone able to help her. I think your SIL needs to get help, it is not always the case that the baby is born and you are suddenly completely in love with her/him.

In the other hand, i am 24 wks pregnant and found out my second baby is another girl, i had the feeling it was a boy, i was wrong but apart from feeling weird i did not feel dissapointed in fact i am very very happy my little girl will have someone to play with and everything will be easier as we have experience with girls now.

janninew · 15 October 2012 at 8:23PM

marisco wrote: »

There is such a thing as pre-natal depression. I think your SIL may be suffering from this. Her reaction to discovering her second child isn't the little girl she planned for is extreme to say the least. I think there is way more to all this than what is between the babies legs. Did she really think that having a boy and then a girl was as simple as hoping for that and it then happening? That seems more than a little naive to me.

I have two boys. I will openly admit that when I had my 20 week scan with my second baby and discovered I was having another boy, I felt a tiny bit disappointed for a moment that I would never have a daughter. That feeling soon stopped though and I was just glad to know I was carrying a healthy baby. No one child is the same as another. My two are like chalk and cheese. So having same sex children does not mean you just repeat the same experiences when you raise them. My eldest is quiet, calm, studious, thoughtful and the one I love to talk and debate with. My youngest is exuberant, funny, lively and a little dare devil.

What is the response by her husband and family and friends when she refers to the baby in what is quite frankly an awful way? Do people show their shock and upset at it or tiptoe around her so as not to distress her any more. This needs to be addressed before the baby arrives either by some frank, honest discussions or by speaking to her gp. This is more than just about your SIL and her feelings. If this isn't sorted out then the welfare of a child and the family dynamic is at risk. Her husband burying his head in the sand and thinking this will all improve when baby arrives is not going to improve things.

All of the people I have known who have had a baby boy then gone on to have their much longed for daughter have rued the day they wished for her. My sister says the 'pink novelty' wears off really fast. Apparently by all accounts girls are much harder work emotionally and quite complicated.

I never think saying the part I've bolded helps people, every child is different some girls are hard work, some boys are hard work, you can't generalise like that. I work in a secondary school and we have just as much trouble with boys as girls. I find it a bit sad that your sister says the 'pink novelty' wears off really fast. What is 'pink novelty' supposed to mean anyway?

cod3 · 15 October 2012 at 8:26PM

I used to work with a woman whose daughter took her own life following the birth of her fourth son. She had longed for a daughter and been overwhelmed by PND. Not meaning to be alarmist here, as this was a very extreme case, but it sadly shows what serious conditions post and antenatal depression can be. I hope your SIL finds the help she needs.

jellyhead · 15 October 2012 at 8:46PM

janninew wrote: »

I never think saying the part I've bolded helps people, every child is different some girls are hard work, some boys are hard work, you can't generalise like that. I work in a secondary school and we have just as much trouble with boys as girls. I find it a bit sad that your sister says the 'pink novelty' wears off really fast. What is 'pink novelty' supposed to mean anyway?

I've heard what Marisco said a few times ... maybe it's something people say to try to minimise the disappointment? There's a lot of gender stereotyping ... people say that a son is only yours until he marries whereas you'll have a daughter for life ... boys are cuddly for longer, girls are more independent and want domination over mum, etc. etc.

I heard it all when I was expecting my 3rd (which I miscarried). When people always asked me if I wanted a girl or just assumed that because I had 2 boys I would be wanting a girl. People seemed surprised when I just shrugged and said I wasn't bothered either way.

bestpud · 15 October 2012 at 9:05PM

My SIL struggled terribly with having two boys when she was desperate for a girl.

It is very real for those going through it. It's as real, in fact, as the disappointment felt by those struggling to conceive.

I know my SIL didn't have a third child as she knew it would devastate her to have another boy but her longing for a girl has never gone.

I felt awful when we had two girls and everyone else in the family has girls too - it's hard to know what to do or say.

I think you should encourage her to seek help, OP - this has gone beyond mild disappointment and it's not fair on her or the baby to let it fester.

pawsies · 15 October 2012 at 9:14PM

Why does nobody want boys? It seems to be a theme in this thread

Gillyx · 15 October 2012 at 9:23PM

pawsies wrote: »

Why does nobody want boys? It seems to be a theme in this thread

I do!! I already have one and would love another, not that I'd feel sad if I was to have a girl either, I just know how much crap I put my parents through :eek:

System · 15 October 2012 at 9:26PM

Maybe iots cos i don't have kids (and have a history of MH problems) but i really don't think calling her selfish is going to help. No it doesn't make sense er say, yes she should be grateful she's having a healthy child regardless of sex but PND/ antenatel depression are very real things. i think she needs help and support not judgement.