Wanted a girl, devastated it's a boy...

sulkisu

I am struggling to find ways to help my SIL, who has just found out that her second baby is another boy. To say that she is devastated is an understatement. She always wanted the 'perfect' family, two children, one boy and one girl. She had her son two years ago and just assumed that it would all go according to plan and her second child would be a girl. It isn't and she is very upset.

TBH I am finding it hard to sympathise. I spent many years dealing with the pain and heartache of infertility after suffering two bouts of cancer in my 20's. By some miracle, I conceived naturally at the age of 44, had a healthy baby boy and (having conceived naturally again at the age of 45) I am now expecting twins. Therefore I am firmly in the 'as long as it's healthy' camp. My raging pregnancy hormones probably aren't helping.

I can understandsome disappointment of course, but she is almost grieving. When she returned from her 20 week scan, I thought that something was wrong with the baby as she was crying so much. That was five weeks ago and she is still crying almost non-stop. She has no real interest in the pregnancy anymore, refers to the baby as 'it' or 'this thing' and I'm not sure what to do/say to help her. I have tried to get her to speak to her doctor but she won't. Her husband thinks that she will be fine once the baby is here, but I'm not so sure.

I just wondered if anyone else has felt this way when they discovered the sex of their baby, and if so, what (if anything) helped them to get over it.

EPL

I am lost for words. A child is the greatest gift ever regardless of the sex.

I hope to God she doesn't treat the new child any different to her currnt child when he arrives.

zaksmum

Oh my God! What a selfish, spoilt person she must be.

I'm disgusted. God help the poor child!

aliasojo

sulkisu wrote: »

When she returned from her 20 week scan, I thought that something was wrong with the baby as she was crying so much. That was five weeks ago and she is still crying almost non-stop. She has no real interest in the pregnancy anymore, refers to the baby as 'it' or 'this thing' and I'm not sure what to do/say to help her. I have tried to get her to speak to her doctor but she won't. Her husband thinks that she will be fine once the baby is here, but I'm not so sure.

I'm with you, I don't think everything will be fine when baby arrives.

I think the risk is that these thoughts may grow even more completely out of control by the time the pregnancy ends and she may find it hard to bond with baby.

Could you phone a health visitor in her practice on a general basis for advice? They clearly will not discuss her particularly with you but they will be versed in this kind of thing and could maybe advise better?

helen4891

im really sorry if i come across a bit harsh but i would really tell her to grow up to be thanksful for what she has got and that she is lucky to be able to have children as i lot of couples out there cant.

ive got 2 boys and i really would not change them for the world, i think its great having 2 boys, they can play together, i can pass clothes and toys on to each other.
im also pregnant and i really do not mind what sex i have this time, ill just be thanksful that he/she is healthy and happy.

Cyril

I can understand her disappointment but not grieving .Life isn't perfect and you should remind her that many couples would be delighted to have two healthy children irrespective of sex.

I'd have more sympathy if she was on her fourth / fifth son and was desperate for a daughter as I think most families want some balance to them.

downsizer3

Sounds like your SIL has never experienced things not going her way.
I'd have no hesitation in telling her she is selfish and unthinking in even mentioning this to you - and frankly needs to drop her princess attitude or is in serious danger of making that poor child's life a misery.
For anyone who has experienced miscarriage, infertility - or frankly anything that didn't go as we'd have liked - she is being beyond childish.
Hope she grows up soon.

janninew

One of my friends who had a baby last year was behaving as you described when she found out she was having another little boy (her second child). She ended up seeing her GP and explaining her feelings and she was sent for Counselling. When she had the baby she was ecstatic and just has pleased as after having her first, I think the Counselling helped a great deal. I think its probably very complicated and she can't be feeling very happy at all. Not sure what to suggest other than to see her GP if she really feels so badly.

Molly41

I was a bit upset when I found out my fourth child was a third boy but only for 5 minutes. Once we had decided on a name for him and I had stopped looking at girls toys and clothes - I was absolutely fine and very happy when he was born.

There is obviously something behind all this - perhaps her childhood was unhappy? Perhaps some counselling might help.

Maximum_Saving

I got pregnant at age 22 years old and didn't mind if I had a boy or a girl. I had a baby boy and he is now at college studying his A Levels.

I got pregnant again at 34 years old and really wanted to have a baby girl. I had bad news at 16 weeks pregnancy finding out I was having a boy. Then at 36 weeks pregnancy I found out about he is disabled. I loved that baby and now he is 5 years old and in a wheelchair. He really is a dear little boy and makes me very happy.

I got pregnant again at 36 years old and that is my little girl. She is 3 years old.

Good luck to your sister in law.

janninew

Just had a quick google and there is quite a bit of information out there about 'gender disappointment' So this lady is not alone with her feelings. I do think calling her selfish etc isn't helpful, pregnancy is a time for all sorts of feelings which you can't control. Would we say a lady with PND was selfish as she has her baby and should be grateful for it? Humans are quite complicated and I'm sure she doesn't want to feel like this.