Wanted a girl, devastated it's a boy...

Triangle

I have to say that I totally agree with Fluff and Janine, I do feel it is a little unfair to call this woman selfish because she is lucky enough to have a (second) child and is feeling how she is.

Gender disappointment is very real issue although it sounds to me that this lady's issues run far, far deeper than that. Suggest speaking to GP about it (or getting her partner to). Also probably best OP to distance yourself for a while as you don't want this to affect your pregnancy or your relationship with your SIL. Wishing you all the best xx

Chakani

At a guess, she's not only feeling disappointed at not having a little girl, which to some extent I guess I can understand, I was so delighted to find that my second child was a girl, having had a boy first, it was a lovely feeling to have "one of each", and I can see why someone who desperately hoped for that would feel disappointed not to have that. But she's probably feeling guilty for feeling disappointed, and probably has the voices of all those people sneering that she should be grateful for what she has ringing in her ears.

She probably at the very least needs a cup of tea and a sympathetic ear, so she can let out all her worries without feeling judged. If that's not enough, she needs to get to her GP or midwife and ask for some help in dealing with it, and any other issues that are making it hard for her to cope at the moment.

It is very hard to be logical and rational when you are pregnant, the stereotype of the "hormonal pregnant lady" doesn't exist for nothing. The important thing is that she needs to accept and deal with her disappointment, and the beauty of finding out at 20 weeks, is that she now has another 15 weeks or so to find a new picture of her ideal family, with 2 boys in it, before her second little son arrives. If she is going to need help to do that, then all the better if she gets it as soon as possible.

FBaby

I can understand the feeling of disappointment. Many parents have it in their head and would be happier with a particular gender. What I don't understand is the grief. To grieve, you must have had already, so she must have convinced yourself that she was expecting a girl. Why would you do that when in the end, the statistics are clear that you have a 1 in 2 chances of getting what you want? If she allowed herself to convince herself she was having a girl, especially if this was purely based on the fact that it's what she wanted so what she was going to get, then she has only herself to blame.

In regards to disappointment, I never wanted a boy. Somehow, they were always aliens to me. I grew up around baby and young girls and didn't care much for the few boys I knew, finding them all boistrous, nosy, and just plain silly. I especially wanted another girl when I was expected the second time because being 3 years apart, I thought they would more likely to be close if they were the same gender. Yet very early I had a strong instinct I was expecting a boy, so when the sonographer said it was a girl, I was really surprised and...very strangely a bit disappointed, to the point of asking him to have another look at the end and sure enough, he saw what he hadn't before

My DD is 12 and DS 9 and I love them deeply just the same but... I do have a closeness with my son that I never thought I would. The typical mummy's boy thing that I never believed to be true before!!! He is nothing like the image I had of boys, is very placid, never interested in things like fightings and the like, and he and his sister get along brilliantly and always have.

Your SIL just needs to get over it. Maybe she is the type to be a take things vastly at heart at first, but give her a few days/weeks an she will be going on about how much better it is she is expecting a boy and in any case there is always number 3!

fluffnutter

Chakani wrote: »

She probably at the very least needs a cup of tea and a sympathetic ear, so she can let out all her worries without feeling judged.

I couldn't agree more. I understand why people think she's got everything out of perspective, but for her the feelings are very real. I suspect she also feels bad that she can't bond with her baby in the way she'd like and I'm guessing that this probably makes her feel guilty as well as disappointed.

I think feeling that she's being judged is just making her feel worse, and even more guilty. She needs someone dispassionate to talk to. Someone who understands that it's not about gratitude, or wanting and loving her baby, or being selfish.

Threebabes

Im sure your SIL will get over it, shes being very selfish.

More so I want to say what a lovely heart warming story you have, blessed with your son and now twins. :-) :-) Congratulations X

kjmtidea

I'm sure the sensible thing to say would be she needs to see a doctor but sorry she is being completely over the top and needs to get a grip. I would have loved a girl but it didn't happen, instead I have the 4 most amazing boys who I wouldn't change for the world.

zaksmum

Doesn't she realise how many people struggling with the anguish of infertility would just about trade a kidney to have one healthy little boy and another on the way?

hawk30

Given that I would give nearly anything to be pg, my initial reaction was unprintable. However, I then remembered that, because of my situation, I exhibit some irrational behaviour that can be termed selfish and unreasonable. Anyone telling me that I'm 'selfish' and should 'get a grip' is ignored. I know that I'm irrational - that doesn't make my very real feelings go away.

I think she should be encouraged to seek counselling and/or support from her doctor, as this is not something that she can just live with (like I do). Her problems will have an effect on the baby and her relationship, so she needs to attempt to get better.

morocha

I feel sorry for your SIL, my cousin was the same, she really wanted a boy that rejected her little girl when she was born. Everything could have been different if she spoke to someone able to help her. I think your SIL needs to get help, it is not always the case that the baby is born and you are suddenly completely in love with her/him.

In the other hand, i am 24 wks pregnant and found out my second baby is another girl, i had the feeling it was a boy, i was wrong but apart from feeling weird i did not feel dissapointed in fact i am very very happy my little girl will have someone to play with and everything will be easier as we have experience with girls now.

Millie2008_2

Another one who thinks there is far more to this ?an underlying depression and this may have tipped her over the edge, as it's something she can "pin" the problem on. Either way, she needs to address it PDQ, so echo also the advice about her contacting her GP, or maybe getting some private counselling, if she is not keen on the GP route