Wanted a girl, devastated it's a boy...

moodydonkey

I remember my ex husband finding me crying/wailing in the early hours of the morning because I was convinced I was having a boy when I so desperately wanted another girl. After the birth I didn't even ask what I had because I didn't (happily) care. She was born and it didn't matter in my case. Unfortunately for some it is a very real problem. I don't think it is a case of being selfish, when you want something soo much it is irrelevant what others can or can't have. She is obviously struggling and needs help.
Whether there is an underlying problem or not this woman is clearly in distress, could you accompany her to the next midwife visit or encourage her to make an appointment?

suejb2

My SIL had a form of this,during delivery of her 1st the midwife said not long now and she'll be here! SIL delivered a boy .Became pregnant for a 2nd time after eating the right things for a girl! and making love at the optimum time to conceive a girl! .they paid for a private earlier scan to determine the sex of this baby because she was that distraught of having another boy and wanted to find out in the shortest space of time.I couldn't relate to these feelings about gender, to me a baby is precious regardless.

kathy206

Although my overwhelming urge is to tell her to grow up and stop being so childish, I think your SIL is struggling. If she has a young toddler, maybe there is an issue of unresolved PND which is now manifesting itself as ante-natal depression. I would broach the subject of discussing her feelings with the midwife and/or GP asap. Even though it seems frustrating to us on the outside, her feelings of disappointment will be heightened by any depression she may have so she may need counselling at the very least. My MIL (in the age before sexing scans were around) convinced herself her 4th pregnancy was a little girl (she already had 3 boys) so was by her own admission devastated when a 4th son was born, so much so that she turned her back on him when he was delivered. She's more than made up for it now though he's a right spoilt sod:rotfl:
As an aside there is such an insensitivity of outer family members and friends when you are pregnant whilst already having a child/children "Oo are you trying for a *insert opposite sex to the child you already have here*" rings in the ears and makes the disappointment seem more tangible. Get help for your SIL -sounds like she needs it

kathy206

suejb2 wrote: »

My SIL had a form of this,during delivery of her 1st the midwife said not long now and she'll be here! SIL delivered a boy .Became pregnant for a 2nd time after eating the right things for a girl! and making love at the optimum time to conceive a girl! .they paid for a private earlier scan to determine the sex of this baby because she was that distraught of having another boy and wanted to find out in the shortest space of time.I couldn't relate to these feelings about gender, to me a baby is precious regardless.

A friend of mine went through this. She was told at scan that she was expecting a girl, decorated the nursery pink and spent a fortune on clothes (she already had a son) -then at a 4d scan was told she was actually expecting a boy. She described it as grieving for her lost daughter. She went on to have a daughter and is great with all of them but personally I couldn't understand it. Sometimes the sexing scans are a double edged sword.

Alleycat

When I was pregnant with my second I was convinced it would be a girl. My first was a girl, I only have sisters, my sisters only have girls and my mum only had sisters too. When I had my 20 week scan I was told it was a boy and I felt devastated. I knew that this was completely irrational and that I was just blessed to have conceived and be carrying a healthy baby but I just couldn't shake it.

I tried to put it out of my mind, convince myself that I would love a boy etc but it was a hurdle I couldn't get over. I hated all the baby boys clothes I saw in shops, boys names etc. Really struggled.

Fortunately I wasn't as bad as the OP's sister and wasn't crying non stop (wasn't crying at all) just felt really down and depressed. It really spoilt a large part of my pregnancy. Fortunately when he arrived I fell in love instantly and can't imagine having a girl instead. He really is wonderful.

I do think that the OP's sister could do with seeing her GP or some specialist support and shouldn't be treated as a parriah just because some people don't understand. It sounds like there are some serious issues that need to be addressed.

jellyhead

5 weeks of constant crying is more than disappointment I think, and might be upsetting for her little boy too.

I felt a twinge of upset when I found out I was having my second boy, I admit. But not enough to make me cry, and nowhere near what I felt when I miscarried my third.

I don't think it's as simple as her being 'selfish', I think she might be struggling with depression. I hope she agrees to talk to somebody. I can see why you are struggling to empathise with her though, as most people are in the 'as long as it's healthy' camp.

pollypenny

This is a problem caused by scans. I wanted a second girl and really thought 'it' would be a girl, as we have few boys in the extended family.

When DS appeared and the nurse announced 'It's a boy', my response was 'It can't be'.

I fell in love with him straight away. I'm sure OP's SIL will feel the same.

Second grandchild on the way - all we want is a healthy child.

fluffnutter

zaksmum wrote: »

Doesn't she realise how many people struggling with the anguish of infertility would just about trade a kidney to have one healthy little boy and another on the way?

My heart agrees with this, but my head doesn't. I don't think you can use the infertility argument really. If you take that to its logical conclusion where do you go? Women shouldn't have abortions?

I know they're not the same issue, but to my mind it's worthy of drawing parallels. Just because some women struggle to have children doesn't mean that you can condemn women who, having found it easy to conceive, then do something you don't like such as want a different gender or want an abortion.

sassyblue

Sorry but she IS selfish. She's been lucky enough to have one healthy child, has achieved a second pregnancy but it's not good enough for her image of a 'perfect' family. Who says girl/boy families are the perfect families anyway?

She should think herself lucky, l know plenty of couples still waiting to get their dreams, l met them through my own infertility journey of 8 years, my son is 6 now so they've been waiting upto 14 years.

I'd leave her to stew in her own nasty juices OP, l can understand a day or two of feeling sad but 5 weeks and calling the baby 'it'? :mad:

Sorry I'm not helpful, l feel sorry for the baby.

poet123

It is not rational and it is something you have no control over. When pregnant for the fourth time after three boys I really wanted a girl when it was confirmed I was having another boy I admit I was disappointed, and I hated myself for it. I was brought up very short when I heard about a teacher at my sons school who was pregnant for the first time at 37 and who had to come to terms with the Downs diagnosis.

I can't deny I would have loved a daughter too ( as well as the boys) but my youngest son has been the easiest of them all to raise, and he is a joy every day, even though he is now 15.

Don't be too hard on SIL give her time to come to terms with it, but if it does plunge her into real depression she will need help.