It is only once a week now...

aileth

Sorry to be blunt but if you -need- sex to hold the relationship together and stay together, there's probably deeper problems.

If the circumstances have changed, you can't really expect him to keep up the normal 'routine' especially when he's working those sorts of hours. I know from my position, one month we'll be like rabbits, next month not once, and sometimes nothing for 2-3 months, but you accept it because things get in the way and there are lots of other things to do to be intimate.

I think he'll be far more appreciative if you're understanding and supportive of him as he'll be more hard done to working the 12 hour shifts than you are not getting the sex you think you should, rather than on at him about it and setting 'deadlines.' Sorry if it's a bit blunt, but that's my two cents.

belgiumwaffle

Some people at work have said to me to have date night,they do and look forward to it, is that not rather than on spec, comes at it is a more regimented way of a relationship? Is that not like forcing again? Lots of them said date night brings the closeness, you remember each other, make each other laugh etc, it does not have to end up in bed, does anyone do date night?

The other thing they came up with is to sell the house to release some equity so money is not such an issue and he did not have to work so hard but we have a long way to go to pay the mortgage off,last time we checked the house had lost some money on paper , we are happy here, seems a bit excessive, can see the idea behind it but he works yes for the money but also he has a few decades left at work and he wants to makes his way up.

I know we are hoping to go to the cinema on saturday does that make it date night?

aileth I don't NEED it to hold the relationship togethe,r I want it, I used to have it, we used to be having it, wanting is different from needing it to keep the relationship whole, there is always a lot more to everything than that but I like it, miss it, want it, used to have it.

CH27

belgiumwaffle wrote: »

Some people at work have said to me to have date night,they do and look forward to it, is that not rather than on spec, comes at it is a more regimented way of a relationship? Is that not like forcing again? Lots of them said date night brings the closeness, you remember each other, make each other laugh etc, it does not have to end up in bed, does anyone do date night?

The other thing they came up with is to sell the house to release some equity so money is not such an issue and he did not have to work so hard but we have a long way to go to pay the mortgage off,last time we checked the house had lost some money on paper , we are happy here, seems a bit excessive, can see the idea behind it but he works yes for the money but also he has a few decades left at work and he wants to makes his way up.

I know we are hoping to go to the cinema on saturday does that make it date night?

aileth I don't NEED it to hold the relationship togethe,r I want it, I used to have it, we used to be having it, wanting is different from needing it to keep the relationship whole, there is always a lot more to everything than that but I like it, miss it, want it, used to have it.

Why are you discussing intimate issues with work mates?

SailorSam

Op i can't see any problem with you coming on a anonymous forum talking about your sex life or lack of it, but i feel sorry for your husband if you talk about it in work where the people may know your Oh or meet him sometimes.

Any

I wasn't going to write anything up to now, but...

You gave him 3 months to get used to a change and thinking it being "patient", but you say that sex is a way of feeling wanted, cared for etc..

12 hours shifts, then at the weekend you drag him around family and supermarkets.. I really do wonder why is he not in the mood!!

Put it blantly, you are needy. Very. If your OH also needed to have a talk with you, he is feeling it. He seems a very lovely and sensitive man.

You need to find a hobby and give him a bit more time.

And by the way - try internet shopping.

SailorSam

Perhaps a new rabbit could help.

Scorpio33

To take a different perspective on this, it is a similar situation to when ladies give birth. Sex is on hold or vastly reduced. As a man, you have to expect this and are expected to put your needs on hold in order to support them as life adjusts.

This is the same for you - your other half has got a new job which means a change of lifestyle, one that needs adjusting to and you have to be there to support him until he feel ready.

In both situations, the lack of sex / intamacy should not go on forever, and as long as you both understand this and are communicating, then things should be ok in the long term. Just be honest with each other and don't go putting any expectations on your other half.

JimmyTheWig

belgiumwaffle wrote: »

I know we are hoping to go to the cinema on saturday does that make it date night?

Sounds like a date to me.

You say he's not entitled to any leave so you can't have a weekend away, but you could still book a hotel for a Saturday night. You don't have to go far. Most people have got places on their doorstep that they've never visited. Doesn't need to be anything posh, either, if money is an issue.
Half an hour's drive to a Travelodge. Spend some time together. Enjoy each other's company.
Maybe even do this but beforehand decide not to have sex. Don't turn it into another thing that you can do (re: performing seals) to get some. Just use it as some time together.

Is it the hours of the job or the hours of the travelling?
If it's travelling, would it be worth him staying over one or two nights a week? Might mean (a) he is less tired and (b) he is more eager to see you?

I don't think there's anything wrong with shopping and batch cooking on a Sunday. But only if that's something that you enjoy doing together. Dragging him round the shops then sending him to the kitchen to cook / banishing him from the kitchen while you cook doesn't strike me as the best use of time when you don't see each other as much as you can. But a leisurely stroll around the shops, holding hands, looking at what you both want to buy sounds great. Cooking together, suggesting different recipies and ideas, helping each other out - again a nice weekend activity.

Dunroamin

belgiumwaffle wrote: »

The other thing they came up with is to sell the house to release some equity so money is not such an issue and he did not have to work so hard but we have a long way to go to pay the mortgage off,last time we checked the house had lost some money on paper , we are happy here, seems a bit excessive, can see the idea behind it but he works yes for the money but also he has a few decades left at work and he wants to makes his way up.
.

Who would even consider for five seconds selling their home so that they could have sex more often?

I'm afraid you're beginning to be seriously obsessed by this - how will you manage when/if things slow down even more in the coming years?

Mojisola

JimmyTheWig wrote: »

You say he's not entitled to any leave so you can't have a weekend away, but you could still book a hotel for a Saturday night. You don't have to go far. Most people have got places on their doorstep that they've never visited. Doesn't need to be anything posh, either, if money is an issue.
Half an hour's drive to a Travelodge. Spend some time together. Enjoy each other's company.
Maybe even do this but beforehand decide not to have sex. Don't turn it into another thing that you can do (re: performing seals) to get some. Just use it as some time together.

This sounds contradictory but is a useful method in helping couples reconnect. There's nothing like having something forbidden to make it attractive!