It is only once a week now...

marisco_2

belgiumwaffle wrote: »

The problem is lack of intimacy, lack of connection, lack of time.

There is no concerns of affairs, going off me, boredom because we mix it up, we talk about it but because it does not change I feel like I am some kind of pervert asking.

On a sunday we have loads to do, catch up with family, friends, shopping he has work paper work to do,freezer batch cooking, bits and bobs around the house, all the stuff we did do before but had more time to get it done now it is all crammed into one day.

I talk to him he talks to me but we cannot find a solution

How open and honest are the talks you have with each other? Does he know exactly how you are feeling, as described to us in your post here? If he read that would he be surprised how much the current status quo in your relationship is effecting you? You know him better than any of us of course. So if he knew how you felt would it make him think that this new job is not worth the strain it is putting on your relationship.

I find your relationship confusing because although you clearly love him deeply and think the world of him you seem to be bottling up alot of feelings and emotions. Why do you feel like some sort of pervert for initiating sex with your OH? Men find that a real turn on, not something to be embarrassed about. By the sounds of it your relationship was healthy and relaxed. Did you only have intimate times whilst having sex? Did you not kiss, cuddle, hold hands, hold each others gaze, laugh, joke. All of those moments can be intimate and special too. Sending each other silly texts or leaving messages on the phone or email. Just little fun exchanges that make you laugh and brighten a day.

Next Sunday maybe stop worrying about catching up with family and friends and all the mundane household chores. Put the world on hold for 24 hours and catch up with each other. Make time for what really matters and just enjoy being with him.

Mojisola

belgiumwaffle wrote: »

OH comes in so tired during the week, he eats, watches a bit of tele, falls asleep in the evenings before bed,goes to bed at 10pm sometimes, gets up very early am, goes to work, comes home times 5.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Ummm....this might be seen as controversial here, but being out of the house for 12 hours a day, five days a week, isn't that much time, IMO, it's no more than an average working week plus travelling time from the suburbs to London, for example.

It doesn't matter how many hours, etc, other people can do while leading a full life - if belgiumwaffle's OH is exhausted, he's exhausted.

You have to start from where you are. It no good saying that he shouldn't be tired. That doesn't help to solve the problem.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

0^0 wrote: »

Haha she probably wore them out, or found that after the sex they had nothing in common.:D:rotfl:

Nope. It was after five years, so longer than a lot of marriages last.

And he never complained about the amount or quality.

0^0

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Nope. It was after five years, so longer than a lot of marriages last.

And he never complained about the amount or quality.

Ok then, so what we need to examine is why your relationships keep ending, is it boredom or what????

mountainofdebt

Ladies Ladies please

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

0^0 wrote: »

Ok then, so what we need to examine is why your relationships keep ending, is it boredom or what????

Seriously?

This is important for what reason exactly?



To put it simply, I wasn't prepared to become somebody's wife at the age at which he wanted to be married. We had plenty in common, plenty of differences, but the dealbreaker was being anybody's wife in my twenties. We broke up, I met someone else, so did he, stayed friends, everything fine.


The next one was a posh thug in fancy clothing. So we separated.



The next long term fella one is the one I'm with now. He's someone I respect and love, and it feels right. We get along in many different ways, we disagree and squabble and agree and discuss and generally it feels right in almost every respect.



If something happens where we can't be physical as much, we make a point of treating each other nicely in other ways, such as the type of thing I suggested. There's none of this 'poor lamb, s/he works so hard' business. It's give and take. Not 'I suppose I can fit you in once a week on a set day and time, like it or not, go and have a w*nk and don't bother me again until Saturday' because it's on the calendar.


At the moment, the entire thread seems to be telling the OP that her emotional and physical needs and desires count for nothing, compared to the big, tough breadwinner. Like wanting a happy, healthy sex life is something freakish and unreasonable.

That's wrong, she is quite reasonable to miss the intimacy she previously enjoyed - and perhaps by treating herself, valuing herself more to do things for her own benefit will mean that she doesn't rely quite so much upon his willingness to perform to feel valued - going along with sex because it's the only chance you're going to get for the next week, whether or not you actually feel like it or not at that moment is going to be quite demoralising.

Especially if the only suggestions are to buy a lump of plastic if it's that much a big deal. It's not the same and probably makes someone feel they are in the wrong to even consider their own needs as well as those of their partner.

belgiumwaffle

Thank you for the replies.

Marisco- Yes he knows but as Mojolisa says he is exhausted, if he is exhausted he is exhausted. I suppose I feel like some kind of pervert because it is not the same trying to 'be remembered; initiating, dressing up etc than OH just wanting it, wanting me, wanting the wanting of it all, that is what it is, if you are wanted then it is full of love, emotion,tenderness, it feels completely different, it is so much stronger. We do all the rest you say but if I was to pin it down it is not feeling wanted rather than what it has become which is in effect as JOJO says a tick off the list act, a tiresome chore that could be taken off the list.


As for the question of is this job, the hours worth the cost of the relationship, no is my answer but reality, life, mortgage, bills, living it has to be, I would love him to go part time that is never going to happen, we could not afford it,as milions of couples we are reliant on the money. Also OH is going to better himself, his CV will benefit, his future will look brighter, that is not for me to meddle with.

I know you are right it is quality of life not quantity but reality has to overrule the dream of not working so hard and having more time.

JOJO you are very right. I understand what you are saying. Thanks.

expatasia

Hi there

Token bloke here, how old is Mr Belgium?

*tries to remember last time came home to find the missus dressed only in an apron*

0^0

expatasia wrote: »

Hi there

Token bloke here, how old is Mr Belgium?

*tries to remember last time came home to find the missus dressed only in an apron*

About 42 I think.

belgiumwaffle

Middled aged.