It is only once a week now...

belgiumwaffle

OH and I have been together many many years.
We love each other ,our each others best friends,we talk about absolutely everything, we are in love and have a fantastic relationship but not recently.

OH and I used to have bedroom antics 2 or 3 times a week(more on holidays, time off work) but just over 3 months ago he got a new job, now out of the house 12 hours a day, 5 days a week, previously not so much but this is more pay and more commitment time wise. Will look good on his CV.

I know I should be grateful and am very proud of all he does for us, I know he works hard for us, to better our lives , he knows I always sing his praises,what he does for us doesn't go unnoticed.

We have weekends together. OH comes in so tired during the week, he eats, watches a bit of tele, falls asleep in the evenings before bed,goes to bed at 10pm sometimes, gets up very early am, goes to work, comes home times 5.

I make sure as I work part time he has all he needs when he gets in to take the strain off him, all he has to do then is go to work.

I have always been happy with what I do for him, my share of the relationship and OH appreciates what I do and how it works for us.

We know we are lucky and try not to take what we have with each other for granted.


The problem is lack of intimacy, lack of connection, lack of time. OH thinks he has found a solution by once a week saturday is fine, I feel like I should be grateful, I feel used and somewhat sleezy asking for it at other times, I feel it is being done for doing sake and there is no real intimacy.

I am not used to this, he is not used to it.

I thought give it time, he will get over the commute, the long hours, the tiredness, he will settle into his new job and it will slowly get back to normal, over 3 months later so far no.

OH is not entitled to any holiday yet so we can't nip this in the bud and go off together for a weekend away to try to bring it back, to stop the frustration.

I feel invisible so I dressed up for him and got it, I thought bring some laughter into it and cooked with just an apron on, I got it but that makes me feel resentful, like I am a performing seal.

There is no concerns of affairs, going off me, boredom because we mix it up, we talk about it but because it does not change I feel like I am some kind of pervert asking.

I feel I have been patient with his new job but it has been over 3 months now and am not used to 'just on a saturday love' type attitude.

On a sunday we have loads to do, catch up with family, friends, shopping he has work paper work to do,freezer batch cooking, bits and bobs around the house, all the stuff we did do before but had more time to get it done now it is all crammed into one day.

I talk to him he talks to me but we cannot find a solution, I know he is very tired, makes me feel worse asking, makes me feel like I am a sleeze bag and should leave him alone.

I don't want him to feel like I am 'harping on' that cannot be good for one's libido, I know that but want it more than I get, as we used to.

I do go on the websites and take care of things but I have a real live OH here, it should be us.

I feel like I should make an appointment, see if I can be included in his new found busy relentless, tiring schedule, hardly the same though is it?

We used to have the same drive but not anymore.

What to do?

0^0

A very open and honest post and I dont really know what advice to give to be honest even though I would like to give some. I suppose in most relationships, there is always one who has a higher sex drive than the other and its trying to find a sort of even ground where you can both settle and be comfortable with. Listening to your post it sounds like you could be the one who has to make all the moves and if you dont then it just doesnt happen. Again, this happens in quite a lot of relationships, but to be honest I think its nearly always the other way around and its the man who has the higher sex drive and not the woman. I think there is probably a lot of men who would like to be in your OH's shoes and have a partner who cooks with just an apron on. :D

zaksmum

When you've been together many years you can't really expect fireworks in the boudoir! How old is your O/H? The poor man's probably worn out with all the stress of his new job and long hours, and on top of all that he's expected to be a love god too.

When you get to middle age and beyond you should count your blessings that your man is still there with you and not carrying on with some little tramp looking for a sugar daddy...or even worse, six feet under.

Tommelise

Oh it can be frustrating some times, cant it

A little advice below.

belgiumwaffle wrote: »

just over 3 months ago he got a new job, now out of the house 12 hours a day, 5 days a week

Thats an 60 hour week:eek: - no wonder he is tired.

When I changed my job some years ago, it took me over 6 months before I settled down

belgiumwaffle wrote: »

On a sunday we have loads to do, catch up with family, friends, shopping he has work paper work to do,freezer batch cooking, bits and bobs around the house, all the stuff we did do before but had more time to get it done now it is all crammed into one day.

This is his day of ??

Do you have to do all these things, could some of them wait for a while or could you do some (more) of these things during the week on your own?

I hope you find a solution

lovewealthhappiness

Do you still kiss and cuddle and snuggle up on the sofa together when he is home? There are other ways to be intimate outside of the bedroom, and to me once a week is good, in my previous relationship it was once every 2 months if I was lucky! But I think that was more about me being found to be repulsive

Give it some time, like you already said about harping on about it, if you make it a big deal it will become a big deal and getting past it will be harder. Just make sure he knows you want it, which I would say he does, but don't push it, make your Saturday nights special and enjoy it!

These things naturally go through phases of more and less, but if this is your first experience of less in the relationship then it can seem like there's something terribly wrong, but it's most likely just a lull that will pass, just try not to over think it!

HeatherintheHills

For someone doing those kinds of hours once a week is pretty good! You need to allow him at least a year for the new job to stop taking it out of him so much. 3 months is nowhere near enough time.

2 things to consider.

1. It sounds as if the weekends are just as busy as the weekdays. Cut out anything unnecessary. If you work part time is it not possible for you to shop & batch cook during the week, freeing up some time for you both on Sundays? Maybe you don't need to catch up with friends and family quite as much as you used to until he feels less tired by the new job? If he can recharge his batteries properly at the weekend it might ease the tiredness during the week after a while.

2. Is the new job worth the cost to your relationship? You both need to sit down and consider this carefully.

Mojisola

belgiumwaffle wrote: »

just over 3 months ago he got a new job, now out of the house 12 hours a day, 5 days a week, previously not so much but this is more pay and more commitment time wise. Will look good on his CV.

We have weekends together. OH comes in so tired during the week, he eats, watches a bit of tele, falls asleep in the evenings before bed,goes to bed at 10pm sometimes, gets up very early am, goes to work, comes home times 5.

I make sure as I work part time he has all he needs when he gets in to take the strain off him, all he has to do then is go to work.

On a sunday we have loads to do, catch up with family, friends, shopping he has work paper work to do,freezer batch cooking, bits and bobs around the house, all the stuff we did do before but had more time to get it done now it is all crammed into one day.

I don't see how the bit in bold fits in with the rest. Your OH must be exhausted so why don't you make sure there is nothing that needs doing on a Sunday? What happens on Saturdays?

It's really hard to be sexual when you are worn out. If he had two days clear to rest at the weekend, things might just happen again naturally.

0^0

I wish I got it once a week lol.:rotfl:

pinkshoes

Well I'm in the same shoes as your OH - I've gone back to university full time, and am exhausted!!

You should count yourself lucky with once a week! My OH will get once a month at the moment, probably until my course finishes at the end of June!

He does get LOTS of cuddles when I'm not writing essays though.

Go to Ann Summers, and buy yourself a new vibrator!

(and give your poor tired man a nice massage to help him sleep!)

HeatherintheHills

Sorry if we all sound a bit unsympathetic OP, but the truth of it is that your OH has taken on a lot of extra strain to make things better for the family. If his sex drive is suffering and yours isn't, it indicates that you are not taking on your share of the extra strain, otherwise there would be equilibrium and you wouldn't have the energy to feel neglected either

BitterAndTwisted

You are not a performing seal but you could be in danger of making your OH feel like one if you are "encouraging" him to service you when he's patently far too worn out for spontaneous bed-room antics.

I suggest you try to exercise some restraint and patience. Or service yourself if you can't muster any up.

As you have the luxury of working part-time and he's putting in 60 hour weeks, there really shouldn't be anything on the agenda for him besides total relaxation at the weekends.