worries over having only 1 child....'only childs' views needed!

londonsurrey

Lovelyjoolz wrote: »

She is currently trying to juggle her life helping her mum, after a recent hip op, to shower daily and wash her hair, take her dad to do their shopping

I help support someone who is the looks after several older pensioners.

Supermarket deliveries are a real boon - they don't entirely replace shopping trips where you can pick and choose various things, but they're totally ideal for standard purchases of loo paper, washing powder, etc and as well as more interesting three monthly consigments of alcohol and tonic water

gingin_2

Lovelyjoolz wrote: »

Hi

I had to respond because this subject is particularly poigant at the moment for a friend of mine. They are an only child and, as parents age, its becoming more of a struggle. She is currently trying to juggle her life helping her mum, after a recent hip op, to shower daily and wash her hair, take her dad to do their shopping because he won't drive following a recent bump, cooking meals for them and generally running all the errands small and large that need doing, all while working full time, recently moving house and having enough time for her own family.

It's an awful lot to cope with and a lot of pressure when it all falls to one child. It's not going to get any easier either, as parents get older. Her life would be so much easier if she had a sibling to share the load, so to speak.

Just because there is a sibling still doesn't mean it's not going to be one child looking after the parents in old age. My brother lives the other side of the world and is unlikely to ever return, I know that I will take on the sole responsibility of looking after my parents in their old age, without any support from him.

My father's sanest words were "you tend to want what you haven't got". We can all imagine a scenario where things might be different if "x" or "y" was added or taken away from the situation but we have no idea what the reality might be.

Air_Cooled_75

Don't you find though that often one sibling will do the lion's share anyway when it comes to looking after elderly parents? My MIL was one of seven but always seemed to be the only one doing the running around.

There is a month short of 8 years between me and my brother, we only started really getting on when I left home at 21. We didn't really have much in common until we became adults I enjoyed my years of being an only child, I had lots of friends and was rarely bored, the thought of sharing a bedroom with a sibling just sounds weird to me Like another poster I found myself dumped on over the school holidays with child care.

My husband is one of 3 all close in age. He's close to his older brother but they both hate the younger sister...

We have a little boy of 2. I absolutely do not want another (we don't live near any family so lack of support is one reason). DH does but he goes out to work I also feel I can offer a whole lot more to just one child, personally I'd feel very stretched if we had another.

kettlefish

Lovelyjoolz wrote: »

Hi

It's an awful lot to cope with and a lot of pressure when it all falls to one child. It's not going to get any easier either, as parents get older. Her life would be so much easier if she had a sibling to share the load, so to speak.

I have a friend who is one of five. It still all falls to her because her siblings are useless or "too busy". Having a sibling doesn't guarantee anyone to share the load with or to support each other through things, but I guess not having a sibling makes it even less likely.

I am one of three. I adore my brothers and am so proud of the young men they have become. I didn't always like it when growing up but I wouldn't change it for the world.

Ultimately, though, the most important bond in a child's life is with their parent(s)/caregivers and it sounds like OP is a lovely, considerate mum to her boy.

pulliptears

I'm an only child.

My parents had lost a daughter at birth ten years before I was born and they were told they couldn't have anymore, so when I came along not long after Mum's 40th I was a bit of a shock.

I was lonely. Due to losing the baby I suspect my parents were VERY protective. I couldn't go out and play like other kids. I had a playroom filled with every toy imaginable, I was spoiled rotten but I rarely went anywhere with friends.

I guess for me it left me quite selfish. I came to prefer my own company and not having to share things did mean I often didn't think so much about other people. I still do relish days I can spend on my own, doing my own thing. I also don't tend to talk about things because its something I've never done. Poor OH has to drag things out of me sometimes because I'd rather just deal with it myself. Asking for help is difficult for me.

For me though by far the biggest issue was when my Dad fell terminally ill 5 years ago. There literally was nobody else. No brother or sister to share the care with, nobody to help us at all. Dad wanted to die at home so the care fell to me and Mum. I coped, because you have to but it was exhausting.

I'm currently sole carer for my Mum. I shop, clean, drive her around. I can't work full time because I wouldn't have the time to do the things I need to do for her.

I had 2 children, there is 5 years between them. They are both teens now and very close. DS is 20, DD is 15. I envy their relationship. If something is bothering them they talk to eachother and it is nice to see. I'm grateful for the fact that they have eachother and are close.

Sometimes I just can't get past the feeling that when my Mum dies thats it, I'll be alone in the world. Its irrational I know, I have my OH, my children. But as I've got older I have repeatedly wished that I'd had someone to share everything with.

zaxdog

I am an only chils and so is my OH. We are both more than happy to have been only children and didn't want siblings at all :rotfl:

That said now we have decided to try for a family I am 36 so we might end up with 1 or none but I doubt there will be many more than that just due to my age

peachyprice

gingin wrote: »

Just because there is a sibling still doesn't mean it's not going to be one child looking after the parents in old age. My brother lives the other side of the world and is unlikely to ever return, I know that I will take on the sole responsibility of looking after my parents in their old age, without any support from him.

Exactly the same here.

balletshoes

I have one child (although I'm not an only) and my personal opinion is that if one is all you want, then thats fine, and it can be perfectly fine for your child too.
As parents you can influence your child, you can encourage them to build solid friendships with cousins, schoolfriends etc. My DD has a very close relationship with her 2 female cousins, even though neither of them live particularly close by (one is very close in age though and I think thats helped). They spend school holidays etc together, either at my niece's home or at mine.
I have always encouraged my DD to invite friends for playdates, meals, and now the occasional sleepover. She makes friends easily and I've encouraged her to be independent, not rely on others for everything, not follow the herd (because thats the way I am too).
My DD has never expressed a desire for a sibling, but if she had been very unhappy about being an only when she was younger, I would have considered having another.

I work with quite a few colleagues who have only one child, and although my DD doesn't have any friends that I can think of who are onlys, she does have a couple of friends who are the youngest children when all their siblings are adults and a fair bit older than them (ie 10 years plus older).

This world, even your own local community, is made up of all sorts of families, some with no kids, some with one, some with 2, some with loads. All different, and one no better or worse than the others.

peachyprice

Another thing you need to bear in mind OP, you can read all the stories here from only children who hate it and decide that's not what you want for your child, but if your tests for infertility are not good that decision could be entirely out of your hands.

Four years using no contraception is an awful long time to go without getting pregnant. I would hate for you to get your hopes up, plan to have another, then have all that snatched away.

Perhaps find out first if it is a viable possibility, then decide.

ash28

pulliptears wrote: »

I'm an only child.

My parents had lost a daughter at birth ten years before I was born and they were told they couldn't have anymore, so when I came along not long after Mum's 40th I was a bit of a shock.

I was lonely. Due to losing the baby I suspect my parents were VERY protective. I couldn't go out and play like other kids. I had a playroom filled with every toy imaginable, I was spoiled rotten but I rarely went anywhere with friends.

I guess for me it left me quite selfish. I came to prefer my own company and not having to share things did mean I often didn't think so much about other people. I still do relish days I can spend on my own, doing my own thing. I also don't tend to talk about things because its something I've never done. Poor OH has to drag things out of me sometimes because I'd rather just deal with it myself. Asking for help is difficult for me.

For me though by far the biggest issue was when my Dad fell terminally ill 5 years ago. There literally was nobody else. No brother or sister to share the care with, nobody to help us at all. Dad wanted to die at home so the care fell to me and Mum. I coped, because you have to but it was exhausting.

I'm currently sole carer for my Mum. I shop, clean, drive her around. I can't work full time because I wouldn't have the time to do the things I need to do for her.

I had 2 children, there is 5 years between them. They are both teens now and very close. DS is 20, DD is 15. I envy their relationship. If something is bothering them they talk to eachother and it is nice to see. I'm grateful for the fact that they have eachother and are close.

Sometimes I just can't get past the feeling that when my Mum dies thats it, I'll be alone in the world. Its irrational I know, I have my OH, my children. But as I've got older I have repeatedly wished that I'd had someone to share everything with.

OH is an only one (not really but his half brother and half sister were married when he was born), his parent's were in their late 40s when he was born.

His father died when he was 17, his mother lived until she was 99 - she died a few years ago. He was the one who did the running around and the sorting out everything.

There is always one - I think he ended up with it because he was the youngest by a long way and perhaps more able to cope than his siblings - who were getting on a bit themselves. But the financial burden was his too - top up care home fees - if she needed anything - shoes - coat etc, it down to him.

OH is a bit selfish with "stuff", I'm not (I'm one of 4 and lots of things were communal in our house) and OH can't get his head round it. I'm not sure if that's because he was always used to things being exclusively his.

He didn't wan't us to have just one child (I did), we had 3 in the end, they are close together in age and are close to each other. Something OH never had.