worries over having only 1 child....'only childs' views needed!

**dancingbutterfly**

Hello everyone,


As the title says Im having a bit of trouble deciding whether to have another child or stay as we are and would love a bit of advice as Im feeling all sorts of emotions, guilt, anger.

Background is that Im 27 and married and we have a 7 year old son. My wonderful son was conceived while I was 18, at college, on the pill and after only knowing dad for 3 months or so :eek:

We have got through many tough times together, bad post natal depression, etc and we see us spending our lives together. Our son Is an absolute joy and I am very, very happy with our little family and I don't feel I need anything else...

However....husband would love another child. He's 8 years older than me and as he says he was ready to settle down when we got pregnant 8 years ago and my plans of university went kaput!

He as I, have a few doubts. We want to buy a house in a few years and I am self employed running a full time business which Is just taking off, which would need plans in place.

My pregnancy was as I would put it 'horrific' I threw up for 7 months and was 2 and a half stone lighter when Id given birth than when we conceived. He was a whopping baby and labour was awful..for me. I know some women love it lol but not me

My family are full of women with loads of kids and always say 'your turn next', 'you can't just have one!' 'You're selfish giving him no brothers or sisters'

My son himself has said to me 'why haven't I got a sister?' Which breaks my heart I would quite happily carry on the way we are, but what do other 'only child's' think?

We have been on NO contraception for 4 years now. We were leaving it to fate. But nothing, turns out I have PCOS and my Dr is waiting to refer us to our fertility clinic for the next step.

I have 3 younger brothers and I love having them and growing up with them. That's why I feel so guilty...Is it my duty to produce another child? for my son and husband??


Sorry this has been so much waffle but Its been good to get it off my chest

lostinrates

I don't think having only one is selfish (only children ...or eldest or those with very significant age gaps iirc - are statistically more likely to be above average).

Plenty of only children think they would like siblings, plenty with siblings wish they were only kids. What is important, IMO, os do what is right for you and your family.

Personally, on the basis of personal belief I would not have had more than two, but preferably just one, because of my opinion on the worlds growing population, but also because I think I could have offered one child more, literally twice as much, as I could have offered two, in the way of educationa and experiences and financial help.

But those are my views. You need to establish what yours are, but I wou
D say not to do 'for the child' because it's nothing to do, or should be nothing do do with, with wants of your first child.

I wish you luck in finding a mutually acceptable decision with your partner.

glitter_fairy

A few things to think about

I sympathise with bad pregnancies, but its only for 9 months the child is for the rest of your life

Dont let others opinions matter its your life and children are the biggest decision you can make.

its such a personal thing its different for everyone.

Some parents with one child spoil them rotten, others dont. Some parents with lots of children neglect them others dont. There should be no guilt in having an only child.

mountainofdebt

Personally I think its nobody's business as to how many children a couple has - that decision is for them and them alone.

Someone in work made a similar comment about people having only children ......trouble with making such comments is that I (who only have Junior) is that you never know why the couple has only one child - could be through choice or fate.

MarilynMonroe_2

I'm one of 3 and I may as well be an only child, infact I would have LOVED being the only one.
My daughter is an only child and I have no qualms about that. Having siblings isnt all its cracke dup to be sometimes.

Person_one

I'm not an only child, but I really think its pointless to generalise as every family and every child is unique. I know lots of lovely, very happy only children (my first boyfriend was one and with hindsight he's been the best of the lot!) and plenty of people who don't have any decent relationship to speak of with their siblings.

With a big age gap though, your children wouldn't really play together, and your eldest is likely to be off to uni or moving out while the younger is still quite little, so the window of opportunity for very close siblings who truly grow up together is past, you don't need to worry about that anymore.

mountainofdebt

MarilynMonroe wrote: »

I'm one of 3 and I may as well be an only child, .

I have a sister but am an only child in reality....put it like this - that 3am phone wouldn't be to her!

pink68

I'm not an only child but wanted to explain my thought processes when we decided to have our son having had an awful few years with our daughter.

Both my husband and I lost our fathers at young ages. With no other family living nearby it became us and the grandmothers. Both of whom have also died early, since our son was born. One of the reasons we chose to have a second child was so they would hopefully be able to support each other in future years. If your family are close and your child sees lots of their cousins then fair enough, but if they are alone like ours usually are even arguing siblings can be a support to one another!

(and we always figured the second couldnt be as awful as the first baby was!)

just have a think about what emotional support would be there if god forbid something happened to you earlier than expected.

nearlyrich

I am one of 6 and I have 2 children, I don't know what life would have been like with no siblings I suppose there are pros and cons as with most things in life.

OneYorkshireLass

I'm an only one.

I hate it.

Simple as, really.

But as others have said, it's down to your unique circumstances.

lostinrates

pink68 wrote: »

I'm not an only child but wanted to explain my thought processes when we decided to have our son having had an awful few years with our daughter.

Both my husband and I lost our fathers at young ages. With no other family living nearby it became us and the grandmothers. Both of whom have also died early, since our son was born. One of the reasons we chose to have a second child was so they would hopefully be able to support each other in future years. If your family are close and your child sees lots of their cousins then fair enough, but if they are alone like ours usually are even arguing siblings can be a support to one another!

(and we always figured the second couldnt be as awful as the first baby was!)

just have a think about what emotional support would be there if god forbid something happened to you earlier than expected.

As others have said....while this is a nice idea it isn't how it works out for everyone. My three o clock in the morning call would not be to my sister (I love how mountain of debt phrases that). In fact, haven't confided in her for ten years or so. Hers wouldn't be to mine, but I would be in the list of people to leach from, just not at the top of it.:o

My dh is close to his siblings, but this has distanced with time too, and the fact there is a literal ocean between them.

In a world where people have fewer geographical and social limits friendships can often be cpthicker than blood, and this pressure of 'being there' for a sibling is something that I have found has seen me very much the poorer, both financially and emotionally.