Living together - financial arguments

wanderlust_wannabe

God this is agony!

He has obviously realised he isn't going to con you into surrendering a chuck of your house to him so he's going via the stealth method. But if it smells like trickery, looks like trickery - it probably is trickery and you don't need it.

As PEAKMA said - bin him! Sharpish!

rchddap1

As Peakma had said we don't know either of you and all the comments here are based around what you have said. You know both him, you and your son. It is your life, and only you can make the decision. I am trying very hard here not to post my opinion and simply try and give you my thoughts.

My OH agrees that if he were to lend me money he would neither take a log nor expect it back. In fact the other day we lent £1000 to his mother. Yes of course he would like the money back, but if it doesn't apear c'est la vie as they say. She needs the money much more than we do at the moment and he is happy to give it to her. He knows that chances are he won't see it again, but at the end of the day its only money.

However, you are not in this situation, as you are getting your fees paid for free be that £500 or £5000. Why pay for something yourself when you are getting it for free? Why get him to pay for it when you are getting it for free? If this situation was me and my OH then he would be happy to be stuck in a portacabin for 6 months or so, if it meant that he would have £500 in his bank account at the end of the divorce.

One thing that has just crossed my mind though. You say that you have been with him for a couple of years, and that you are only just getting divorced. When my partner's ex left it was to go to another man. My OH's solicitor told him that if he wanted to he could get this other man to pay the costs of the divorce, as it was his fault....ie adultery. I don't know the specific situation around the divorce and your new man, and I wouldn't pry. This is just something that I thought I should tell you. By your new man moving in could this situation be prompted? It might be enough to put off your bf at least until the divorce is sorted.

The money situation isn't really what the problem is here though. It is Your home, Your life, Your son, and if you aren't ready to let him in then that is your choice. If he takes this as a signal that you are no longer interested then that is HIS decision. You can make it clear that it doesn't mean that you care any less, but that at this moment in time you are not ready to let him move in.

This is a hard time for you and you don't need him making it any worse for you. It sounds like your emotions are doing back flips inside you, which is another good reason to wait and be patient. Again, I asked my OH how he would feel if I had asked him to wait. He said that he would have waited because he loved me. And I would have waited for him. When it is the rest of your life that is in the balance 6 months, 1 year....it doesn't matter. Love is far stronger than time and will overcome.

I think you already know what you want to do, but just lack the courage and confidence to go ahead and do it (whatever that might be). Don't let him pressure you (as he is doing) don't let him back you into a corner. You are the one in control. He wants something from you, and if you aren't ready or don't want to give it then there is nothing that he can do.

You have to think about a lot more than just the money situation. Perhaps you aren't sure of the relationship, I don't know. If you are certain that you love him, then tell him, but also say that the timing just isn't right for you. If he then runs a mile then this is his choice. You have made it clear that you still care. If it comes to it you can do things on your own....as you have been doing already.

A strong relationship is about communication and trust. So communicate with him how you feel and what you want and trust that he will respect that and not run a mile. He can't pressure you at all. The only pressure mechanism that he's used is that he'll go. Well, he'll only do that if he doesn't care enough about you. He should already know how you feel. If you aren't committed to him, why have you been buying food for him and taking care of him?

If it is true love then you can both get through this together.

rchddap1

Sorry about the essay...didn't realise how much I had written. I'm like a dog with a bone sometimes.

meanycath

Hi,

Well I'm sticking to my guns, I've asked him to move out and he's not happy.

He says he is the one who makes all the suggestions and if I was so unhappy why didn't I make other suggestions instead of just saying no. I explained that when someone is so adamant that they will only pay some of this and none of that (anything to do with my son, the phone or the car) and that he wants all of the equity accrued on the mortgage payments from the day he moves in, what is the point of me suggesting that we just pool our resources and see how we go?

I made it clear that I needed £600 per month. I have always been very clear on what I earn, how I want to spend time bringing up my son rather than earning more but relying on childcare.

To be fair, he has never left me out of pocket and has always contributed to his food and washing expenses and I know he would have liked to have moved in and continued in the same vein, but unless I commit benefit fraud, this is not something I can do.

As for being sure about the relationship it is exactly things like this that make me not sure.

As for my son, my BF and my son have a good relationship. It is more of a friendship and I do sometimes feel like I have 2 children when they both coming running to me telling tales! I have had to tell BF to go away and get on with it - he's the adult.

I told him today that I am sick of fighting him for my right to be acknowledged and treated fairly by him. It is not something I should have to fight for.

Thanks for all your support - it means a lot to me

rchddap1

This is certainly the place to come for support. Whatever choice you make now and in the future there are plenty of people here who will always support you.

Everyone certainly has the right to be treated fairly and to be acknowledged and no you shouldn't have to fight for it. It sounds like you feel happy that you've said certain things to him. Possibly things that you've thought for a while, but just haven't had the courage to say. In the long run it could even make your relationship stronger. If you can't be honest with your partner who can you be honest to?

Well done for making a decision and then sticking by it. The worst thing that you could have done is not decided either way and left it floating. Let us know how it goes and remember that there are always plenty of people here who are very happy to help and lend support whenever you need it.

MATH

Oh Meanycath I'm sorry you're facing such a difficult discission, the above advice may not be very romantic but IMO it's sound. You have to look after your own interests and those of your child. If their are problems with who is paying for what and who is getting what out of whom at this early stage of your relationship it will only get worse in the future as your lives develop. What happens if you have children together and you wish to stop part time work. Will he be willing to support you financially without some sort of payback? I suspect from your post that he is not willing to full commit to this relationship financially and therfore also emotionally ( ohhh err, came over all Dr Ruth then):D

It sounds as though you are doing a great job supporting yourself and your child - do you need another burden? My advice would be to use him for sex and tell him he's got to paddle his own canoo:p

meanycath

It's funny you should mention about us having a child together, because we've had that conversation / argument!

Initially he said he would give me some keep for the baby! Then he backed down and said that he would pay 50% of the costs for the baby. He was absolutely horrified when I told him how much the childcare would be. He then went onto tell me that his ex-wife never paid a penny for childcare, I pointed out that his ex-wife has a huge family who all live in each others pockets. I have no family to help me and he has no-one in his family who could help.

Eventually we stopped talking about babies as we both agreed we couldn't afford one anyway. We decided we shouldn't run before we could walk and started talking about actually living together.

Hence why I am here...............

rchddap1

Good grief now this is getting very scary. I can't believe that he actually said that he would pay you something to help towards the baby, and then later said 50%! Either offer is completely horrifying. It doesn't sound like he's committed to the relationship at all.

It simply doesn't work that way at all. He can't just do the deed, pay some money and then expect you to handle the rest. I wouldn't stand for it. My partner has 2 daughters that we see every other weekend, and he is 100% committed to them. He would do anything for them if they asked. We are thinking about having a baby, but I know that he would do everything he could for the child. From changing nappies, playing, educating...the lot. For me its knowing that the support is there when we are financially sorted. I have no worries at all, but I suspect that you would worry that he would expect you to do everything and would simply play with the baby. Babe needs nappy changing.....and you get handed a smelly baby.

meanycath

We also had a conversation on who would do what for the baby. I made it quiet clear that as I would be at home (for at least maternity leave) I would do the lions share (as I did with my son). I am not lazy and would be doing 90% of the caring for baby, son and housework but I do expect some input from him.

He then told me that I shouldn't expect him to get up in the night or even stay with me every night as he needs his sleep as he has a business to run!!!!!

He told me that he never changed 1 nappy of his own 2 children and has lived with women with young children since and has still never changed a nappy. He has said if we had a child he would do it but only if really necessary!!!!

When I spoke to him about how difficult I found it with my son when he was a baby as I didn't have anybody to give me a break apart from my husband who worked very long hours and then I went out to work when he was home, he said "Of course I would look after the baby for you darling if you needed to go the co-op or the gym"

Shouldn't I have been hearing "a baby is our joint responsibility and I will do whatever it takes".?

I do keep quoting these comments back to him and he keeps apologising and saying he didn't mean to say it like he did and will I stop going on about it but I can't seem to stop.

culpepper

Having only read the first 2 pages of comments on this, I think you own your house and it should continue that way.
He wants to join you with no assets of his own and a 'maybe' business and if the relationship fell through, walk away with a percentage of your house!
I would feel very controlled if my husband told me I must use the tumble drier,must buy branded foods,wine etc .
If he moved in what was he expecting to contribute to the family coffers?
My guess is nothing at all.
Thing is,although he has babysat,washed up,gardened etc, these are all things you could get elsewhere or work around yourself and did before you met him Ive no doubt. He will be getting a comfortable home,somewhere his kids can come to for their visits,his meals,all his laundry needs ,none of which he could carry on getting without you.