Living together - financial arguments

rchddap1

Sounds like you're having fun watching him squirm. I would. Doesn't sound to me as if he is committed to you at all. You are possibly a convenience. Somewhere to sleep every now and then, someone to be with, somewhere he can get meals, washing done etc... Sounds harsh, but if he wants you he has to start showing some true commitment. Everything has gone one way...from you to him. He needs to start giving things back.

I can understand that he is afraid of his 'wife' getting half of everything. But that is no reason not to divorce her. If he truely wants free of her then he will divorce her. But why is he doing all of these things for her if he doesn't care about her? A good start for him would be a divorce. Or at least not seeing his wife and doing these 'jobs' for her. My partner would cringe at the thought of running around doing jobs for his ex. As far as he is concerned she can do whatever she likes and he stays well clear. He will only talk to her about daughter. Nowt else.

If he's more concerned about money than you then that says it all. My partner would give everything that he had for me (not much admitedly). He wouldn't even hesitate. I suspect that your bf would not only refuse but start running in the opposite direction.

margaretclare

Gosh, what a situation! Meanycath, i would kick this guy into touch quicker than you could say 'the Pope is dead' (sorry if that offends anyone)

You've heard it from a lot of other people, but I'm a different generation. There's an old saying: 'those who live the longest will see the most'.

I would not give this guy house-room. He wants the equity in your house - well, he can want away, is what I'd say.

'When you fall in love'...well, I fell in love very unexpectedly at age 62. And nearly 8 years on, we are still as happy. But it has taken him all that time to agree to opening a joint bank account purely for the household bills (because of bad experiences with joint accounts in his last marriage). It took him 6 years to agree to have his name put on the deeds as 'joint tenant' with me. It took him nearly 3 years after his second divorce to agree to us getting married. And I am still learning about him - in fact, recently I've learned how often he is right, and I ask his advice before anyone because I trust his judgment.

I nearly got stung for the costs of his divorce just because wifey did not believe that I was only renting a room B&B to him - she assumed we were committing adultery (well, we were). She really wanted me to pay for it all and she rolled-up the costs like there was no tomorrow - her solicitor was writing 3-page letters twice a week to his solicitor, and oh the lies that were concocted....In the end it all backfired on her, she was made responsible for £4K of costs which were placed as a charge on the property - he gave up his share of equity in return for keeping his pension fund. Which was a good move.

So yes, I've lived through interesting times, have seen marriage break-ups left right and centre, some family members are now on their third marriage, so I do know a bit about relationships.

So please don't let this guy manipulate you. Make up your own mind, do what's best for yourself and your son. As my late M-I-L used to say: 'I wouldn't give him the drippings off my nose'.

Aunty Margaret

pandas66

Please Please Please Read All This As An Objecter. READ IT AS IF This Is Your Very Best Friend.

margaretclare

Hi all

I've read back through some of meanycath's previous posts. And am even more alarmed.

I recall back in the early 1960s my first husband being joshed and teased by other guys around because he would do everything for the kids, nappy-changing, the lot. He was a 'new man' before the term was invented. He used to retort to the guys: 'if you're man enough to produce a baby, you're man enough to change its nappy'.

It wasn't so common then. Men's and women's roles were more delineated (not in our house though). My grandad, who died in 1948, wouldn't be seen dead carrying a shopping bag. So things have changed gradually over the decades.

But this guy sounds to be living in the 19th, not even the 20th century!!

'Nuff said. You know it makes sense.

Aunty Margaret

loopy_lass

pandas66 wrote:

Please Please Please Read All This As An Objecter. READ IT AS IF This Is Your Very Best Friend.

good grief, i would hope i would have told my very best friend the same we are all saying here .... but earlier ...... ditch him ... ...

;-)

loops

Bordera

wanderlust_wannabe wrote:

bin the muppet.

If he is behaving like this now, what will he be like in 2 or 3 years time? By which time your options might a great deal more limited than they are now.

Catherine, you sound like a lovely lady. There are some lovely men out there looking for someone just like you.

chardonnay_2

Queenie wrote:

:eek: Sorry, I know I risk offending here - ditch the self centred uncompromising !!!!!!!!
Your initial post was one thing, but reading the "he wants", "he thinks" bit on your later post .... well, hence my reaction. He clearly can't even afford his "non peasant" attitude if £150 would "stretch his budget"!

If this is how he "dictates" his wants/needs/ideas *before* he moves in, do beware m'dear!!!!

You deserve and can do far better than a person with those attitudes!

was thinking the exact same

chardonnay_2

i feel he should be wanting to move in to be with you not how much of the house will belong to him. he sounds like a user,get rid of him. it might be hard but you will be better off. why isn't he putting all his earnings into the pot?

you should be a partnership not a landlady and tenant.

how does he treat your son?

chardonnay_2

if he intends to be with you long term, this divorce will benefit you both, so why is he only lending you the money?

meanycath

He tells me that by me letting him have 38.5% of the equity less the mortgage (currently 38.5% of the value of the house) that it shows that I am committed to him. He says that I am not "giving up" anything but eventually he will have built up some money which he can put in his will and leave to his children.

As for what he said about the divorce, you are right, he is very keen for me to get a divorce as he is currently starting to divorce his wife. He has made comments about wanting to marry me, which sounds lovely in theory but we have to remember that then my home would be come our "matrimonial" home wouldn't it? God, I sound so cold and cynical.

I also wonder what else he would "lend" me money for? What happens if I need to have a couple of fillings at the dentist? Do I pay him back in a few years time?

As for how he behaves with my son, they do get on well but as siblings not a responsible adult and child. He leaves all the discipline to me and all the care. Occasionally he will sit down with my son and help him with maths or play the computer game with him. He has also recently taken him for a 30 minute bike ride too! Whoopee!!