Living together - financial arguments

rchddap1

Good grief cath. Indeed you should have been hearing the 'joint responsiblity and will do what it takes". My brother-in-law does what he can when he can for his year old son. He is a workaholic and my sister rarely sees him at the moment. He has his own business and reguarly doesn't come home at all. Sometimes he comes home at midnight or later.

But when he is around he will bath him, change his nappy, cuddle him, feed him. It is a pleasure for him. He is proud of his little boy and wants to do things for him, as he is his son. This isn't something that my sister has to ask him about. It has never even been talked about...who would do what for my lovely little nephew. When he was little he got up in the middle of the night to care for the little tike. He's done everything and is a fantastic Dad.

I'm not surprised that you can't stop thinking about what he has said because it all sounds so terrible. When his first instinct is to say things like that, it does sound awful. Perhaps he didn't mean to say it that way, but at the end of the day it doesn't give you any confidence in him at all.

pandas66

I have had a good read of your post meanycathy and what a laugh I've had. Your man I'm afraid is from another planet! Logic has up and left as I think he should. Please re-read a few of your posts and replies. If you, your child and associated asssests aren't worth more than a penny pincher than I don't what is. I have read the financial contribution to his 2 children to be 50 pounds a week. HOW MUCH ? and split the cost of new baby but not the raising! WHAT ? Get a grip of your senses and put yourself on a pedestal. Working, raising a young man and a house with equity your worth all you have and more not less and give some away. Keep whats yours and your sons. Its your acheivement.

loopy_lass

ok cath, its like this... give your head a shake, get rid of him, concentrate on your kids and home, and get some councelling to straighten your thinking out... come on hun... see wots in front of you and what you would say to a friend in this position..

loops

pandas66

Its like a quote from MSE 'Its time to ditch and switch'

culpepper

"Of course I would look after the baby for you darling if you needed to go the co-op or the gym"

ouch that says it all doesnt it?
not even 'our baby' but 'for you', in other words,your baby .

Doesnt sound like there is any love involved in his arrangements at all, its just another business proposition.
I wonder what his ex would think of it all? Im sure she would have an interesting opinion:D

One thing that amazes me,this chap runs a business but has nowhere to live and no car??? Is he really living in a portacabin?Does he really pay his parents mortgage,why?surely they would let him live there then,or is he just paying it because at the end of the day,they will die and he will get the whole thing but he did not have to let his ex have any of the money because he is paying it 'for his parents' so it is not one of his assets?

He just sounds like a con man who has seen something he wants and will just take it given the chance.

Queenie

I've just realised what his theme song is ....

"When I fall in love,
It will be for money,
Or I'll neeeeever faaaaaallll in looooove
And the moment that you realise
I feel this way .... oooooooh,
Is when I'll just pretend, loving YOUUUUUUUUUUUU!"

meanycath

He's paying his parents mortgage because they couldn't afford the place they wanted where they wanted so he bought the extra for them. he now owns 25% of the house (less his mortgage) and yes he does talk about the other 25% he will get when they die. (he has 2 siblings).

The fact that he has no home or no car does not bother me, but it is the fact that he "expects" me to provide the car (unless I give up my current job and work for him, then he will buy me a car apparently!) and he expects me to provide the home. I have suggested that he buy a house of his own and I let mine out and live with him and I would happily hand over £600 for my keep, but of course, he can't afford to buy his own place can he?

As for his ex? This is the woman that my BF can't do enough for, he has bought her a new car in the past and phones round and does things for her. Why? They parted 8 years ago but upto when I met him he was still sleeping with her even though they have both had long term partners at the same time. He tells me that he does all the running around he does for her because he's frightened she might take him to court for "all" he has now (about 90k worth of business) as they are still not divorced.

Hmmmm...............

culpepper

erk! does that mean he will carry on sleeping with her and everything after you and he are living together?
I wouldnt consider even living with him part time to be honest.
He could buy himself a car and claim it back on the business.
He could have a home and claim some of that as business expenses for some types of business.
If he is worried about his wife getting his money,he is never going to divorce her,she is always going to be the number one priority.She is legally still his wife and not his ex.

Spendless

Hi Cath

I think you've got to ask yourself what you are looking for in life? Is someone who will begrudgingly give you £600 a month instead of throwing all the money into the household pot what you want?

Have you pointed out to the boyfriend that in the event of a split he might want something out of your house, but in return you will be after a share in the equity of his parents place. After all in a roundabout way you will have contributed to it (ie if he hadn't been paying part of parents mortgage, he would have been able to contribute more to your household - so therefore you've supported his parents mortgage). I get the feeling that he wouldn't like that suggestion (i'm not saying you should do this- but if it was me i'd be pointing it out to make him think).

Do you want someone who isn't going to support a child you have together, or help with care. Who can't see that your circs are different to his exes with regard to help with childcare, till you actually point it out.

I'm going to agree with what other posters have said. Me and husband both had a place when we met. I moved in with him and tried and failed to rent my place out. We moved into mine instead and sold hubbys, when we had our son the place was too small but the house was in negative equity. We bought a bigger place cheap (cos it needed work on it) in hubbys name and found some friends to rent mine. When the tenants moved out we sold my place and spent the money doing up this one.
So for several years we have had seperate properties but we didn't see it as his and hers. Husband didn't see it as 'his' house when we needed to get a bigger place, i didn't see it as 'my money' when we sold my place at a profit. We were in it together, who owned what was merely a legality.Do you ever think you will have this sort of relatiobship with your bf (if not now then in some years time)?

Only you know if you want the relationship to work or not. I wish you all the best.

meanycath

"Have you pointed out to the boyfriend that in the event of a split he might want something out of your house, but in return you will be after a share in the equity of his parents place. After all in a roundabout way you will have contributed to it (ie if he hadn't been paying part of parents mortgage, he would have been able to contribute more to your household - so therefore you've supported his parents mortgage). I get the feeling that he wouldn't like that suggestion (i'm not saying you should do this- but if it was me i'd be pointing it out to make him think)."

Yes, I did point this out and that is exactly one of the reasons why I think he has backed down. I also mentioned that maybe I should be entitled to a share in his business as he thinks he's entitled to something that I have. I could see him squirming with fear!