Living together - financial arguments

loopy_lass

meanycath wrote:

Well, I planned to talk to BF about it all last night. He had had a very stressful day in work and I felt that it wasn't the right time to talk to him so I handed him a letter this morning. (cowardly maybe, but at least it gets my point accross without getting angry).

I basically said that I didn't want to fight anymore and that we obviously have very different views on what is acceptable in this situation and that I would like him to move out (he has gradually been staying more and more and all of his stuff is now here) and maybe in the future we could re-think the situation.

He has now said that he will pay the £600 without question and he just wants to be with me.

So, I've got what I wanted but I don't feel happy. Am I right to feel that I shouldn't have had to fight the way I have for something that (in my opinion) is not unfair?

My gut feeling is still to ask him to go - I feel like he has tried it on with me to see what he could get away with.

On the surface the relationship is good and we get on well but I do always have that niggling underlying feeling that he feels I should be grateful to him for being with me!

Finding it difficult to think straight on this now.

Catherine.

only read first few threads... that was enuff for me

trust your instincts, if it looks like hassle and sounds like hassle, chances are it is hassle... open your eyes and see whats in front of you..

if this guy is desperate to have a roof over his head he will promise you the world.. check to see if he has his fingers crossed when he says it... !!!!!! ... DITCH HIM ... nuff said!!!!

System

As I have said before if it is a good strong relationship it doesn't matter in whose name the house is. Legally my partner's and mine's house belongs to me....but it isn't just my house...it is our home. it doesn't matter who pays for it, or whose name is on the documents.

Here here!!

katiepops_2

I'd always be very wary of someone who only wants to contribute a certain amount to the household expenses.

When I met Colin I was living on my own with my little boy (who was 5 at the time) and struggling to make ends meet on £500 a month - I was in a lot of debt too. When Col moved in we made my bank account a joint account and his wages went in there too. All household expenses came out of the account - mortgage, insurance, food, gas etc etc etc. My debts got paid off too eventually. We're a partnership!

We moved six months later into a much bigger house which is in both our names - the existing house belonged to me and my ex-husband. We rented the other house out for a couple of years, and sold it last year. My ex-hubby got a good proportion of the profit (he was happy with whatever he got as he hadn't contributed to the mortgage for 7 years), and with the balance both myself and Colin changed our cars and used some of the rest of the money for other things. Now, at no time did Colin expect to get anything ... but it's a partnership and we share what we have.

Meanycath, I have to ask - if he's been in business for himself for ten years and still hasn't made any money, what makes him think that he will in the future?

Only you know in your heart what you feel for him and how your life would be without you, but from what you've said here it doesn't sound like it's true love and you can't bear to be without each other. I think you should listen to your heart and do what you think is best. Bear in mind that it is far better to be alone than with someone who isn't with you for the right reasons (plus being alone gives you the opportunity to find Mr Right).

Good luck with your decision.

Kate

NAR

Catherine every time you post this guy just sounds worse and worse. Your legal aid will be worth several £'000's to you - don't give it up. This "man" of yours only starts to be semi reasonable when his cosy future is being threatened. He is a user and a taker.
Sorry but I can't sit on the fence any more BIN HIM!!

babysaver

meanycath wrote:

Hi,




So now I either let him move him with all the uneasiness that I feel or I lose him totally. Is he blackmailing me?

Catherine.

Hi Catherine - I guess you have to ask yourself how you would feel if you did lose him totally. When I moved in with my BF, the flat was in his name and stayed in his name. I wanted to put landline in so I paid for the phone and we kept our money completely separate (we had both just come out of other relationships and were very wary of commitment). Five years later, we've extended the flat, put the mortgage into joint names and all of our money is joint. I think this only comes from trust in the relationship.

Your BF seems too focussed on what he will get from moving in with you - but you know him better than any of us and you'll know in your heart what to do. It seems that you already know.....

Best of luck - hope you make the decision that's right for you : - )

meanycath

I'm hoping to do the divorce myself without the use of solicitors as my husband and I have already sorted out all the financial arrangements with regards to the house and contact with regards to our son. However as I am a single mother on a low income I would get the court costs free.

This amounts to about £500 i think, so obviously this is less than an expensive court case via solicitors, but it woudln't be something I would be entitled to if I was living with BF.

NAR

Well done to you and your ex, nice to see a civilised settlement as it avoids a lot of ill-feeling.
But the fact that you were going to get free court costs and your b/f is only willing to lend you the money speaks volumes; after all it is he (b/f), by moving in, is going to cost you the £500. It is your divorce but why should you be out of pocket unnecessarily?

Luis

OMG GET ME MY RANT BOX TO STAND ON!

Cath - I am afraid I have to say that this thread has made me more incensed than anything i can recently remember (on your behalf I hasten to add).

Firstly, he practically lives with you now and contributes nothing (except one night a week's baby sitting for 8 weeks and a token gesture of housework.

Then, when you decide to move in together officially, and you let him know how much it will be, he kicks off about it til you call his bluff with the letter, and he agrees to the amount.

THEN he starts on about how YOU have hurt HIM by not commiting to him, and manipulative comments about the relationship going backwards etc.

AND he has the neck to 'lend' you money for your divorce you can 'pay back later'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am beside myself. There is no way you can allow someone so manipulative, selfish, childish, moody, deceitful and underhand into your home and finances. What is he doing living in a bl**dy Portakabin anyway? SPONGING OFF YOU!

The very fact that your posts are littered with uncertainty and hesitation speaks volumes. You know deep down what you want to do.

You (we all) deserve more than this - love, equality, trust and respect. He is giving you none of this.

I wish you the very best, and I amnow getting off my soap box for a lie down with a damp flannel over my forehead. (and going to give my OH a big kiss, as times like this remind me how lucky I am).

Savvy_Sue

Plus you have to bear in mind that the divorce may all have been going very amicably until now, but we are talking MEN here, and whatever they'd have us believe they are not always rational. So if your EX-MAN sees you have a NEW-MAN moving in the situation may change. Even if NEW-MAN has been around a lot, the final act of 'moving in and contributing to the finances' might just flip EX-MAN! I'm not speaking from personal experience here, just what I've seen and heard elsewhere ...

Sometimes the only way I can resolve a difficult situation like this is to go: If I decide to do this, how will I feel? If I decide NOT to do this, how will I feel? I find I quite quickly know what I really want to do.

I wish you well!

Peakma

I think it's a bit harsh other posters advising you to "bin him" as none of us know either of you.It doesn't sound like the perfect "moving in together" we proberbly all imagine.Be sure you are both comfortable and clear about arrangements before the moving in day occurs, without either of you feeling too compromised.
Your Son, to me is the important one here, have you checked how he feels about the situation- remember kids often say what you want them to, to please you, so you may have to observe and read his true feelings.
I have a brother who is 9 years older than me, my parents got together when he was about 3, apparantly my Dad and brother always got on really well untill my parents married( he was about 7) and they all moved in together. They stopped getting along soon after.They were suddenly in rivalry for Mums love and attention.They still dont get on very well now.And it is awkard for everyone.
The last thing you want is to invite a situation in to yours and your sons lives that may cause arguments or upset,also if this was to happen how would this affect you relationship with your ex husband?
Be sure of what you want before you move intogether,It's a lot easier to move someone in than out!Good luck.