Living together - financial arguments

meanycath

I only wish money didn't have to be an issue.

Unfortunately as most of my current income is tax credits, I cannot pay the bills without my BF making up the tax credits I will lose if we live together.

NAR

Could his attitude be anything to do with his marriage break-up ie was he "wronged" but still ended up losing his house? Also in simple terms he may feel that he is putting in £600 and "seemingly" not getting anything in return. Of course we all know he is getting a lot in return.

Don't get me wrong I think some extremely good advice has been given about caution etc which I totally agree with. I'm just trying to put a little balance into the situation.

Bottom line is he good for you and your son - only you can answer that. If yes then you will have to find a solution that does not leave you nervous or uncertain about your financial future. Good luck.

meanycath

When he split from his wife they had nothing. They rented a house, she left him and he gave up the house and effectively became homeless as he said he couldn't afford it but from what he's told me....... he did spend every night in the pub.

Queenie

Now *I* am PM'ing you!!!!!!

misty

Please take your time over your decision. You would hate several years from now to be thinking - I wish I had been more careful. If he was to rent even a one bedroom flat, buy his food, pay his gas and everything else it would cost him more than £150 per week. Who's idea was it for him to move him? You have an amount that you absolutely can't go below - what if he moved in and then couldn't or wouldn't pay one week? Not only you but your son would be without. It sounds like he is making changes to improve his life cutting down on his drinking etc but he still has a way to go. If he is paying towards his parents mortgage could he not stay there on the nights he is an a portacabin? I know you say he is helping more and that's good but babysitting for a few hours in a nice warm house with a bottle of wine is better than lying cold on a portacabin floor so don't be too grateful. If he can't afford to pay let things remain the way they are until he can. If he does move in and you remain together than you re-think part ownership at a much later date. I hope everything works out the way you want it to.

wanderlust_wannabe

I'm a fella and I'll tell you now he's playing you to see how much he can get!

If he cared for you that much he'd take the hit, pay the money for a couple of years then mention the fact that you've now been together for a while and should be considering getting a place TOGETHER - put half in each and you keep any extra you have from your house you are in now as a 'uni fund' for your son. That way he can't get his greasy mitts on it.

However the road I'd really go down is to bin the muppet.

meanycath

Well, I planned to talk to BF about it all last night. He had had a very stressful day in work and I felt that it wasn't the right time to talk to him so I handed him a letter this morning. (cowardly maybe, but at least it gets my point accross without getting angry).

I basically said that I didn't want to fight anymore and that we obviously have very different views on what is acceptable in this situation and that I would like him to move out (he has gradually been staying more and more and all of his stuff is now here) and maybe in the future we could re-think the situation.

He has now said that he will pay the £600 without question and he just wants to be with me.

So, I've got what I wanted but I don't feel happy. Am I right to feel that I shouldn't have had to fight the way I have for something that (in my opinion) is not unfair?

My gut feeling is still to ask him to go - I feel like he has tried it on with me to see what he could get away with.

On the surface the relationship is good and we get on well but I do always have that niggling underlying feeling that he feels I should be grateful to him for being with me!

Finding it difficult to think straight on this now.

elona

Meanycath

I know he has said he would contribute the £600 - BUT - it is obvious it is a last ditch attempt - and he really begrudges it and does not understand or care to understand your position.

If you do let him move in - do you really feel confident that you can rely on him to pay what was agreed?

OR do you think you will get excuses about what a bad week he has had and how people are late paying him etc. etc.

Can you imagine the rows when you have to remind him about money (or nag as he would probably put it)

Can you see yourself worried sick over losing your home because you are looking after a big sulky baby (him) and can you imagine how his spoilt demands will escalate when he thinks he is in a position of power because you have to rely on his money?

Just think - if you put an advert in the paper offering all home comforts, food, wine , gas and electric paid, two hot baths a day, washing and ironing done- use of car - never mind emotional support - you would be bowled over in the rush to get all that for £150 a week.

Just for devilment I would be tempted to try it- it should help you realise how lucky he has been to have you all this time.

It would be hard to imagine anything worse than to always feel inadequate or "not good enough" and I have an instinct that he will always make you feel that way and that it could even get worse.

Sorry to be so long winded and I wish you all the best whatever you decide.:A

rchddap1

It is 'gracious' of him to cave in, but this issue shouldn't have arisen in the first place. A relationship is a partnership and it doesn't matter what belongs to who. Or it doesn't in my book anyway. You shouldn't have to fight with him over something as important as this.

Only you know how you feel about him. I think that he should be grateful to you for letting him stay in your home. You were doing fine before he came along and can cope just as well with him not being there. At the end of the day you are the one in control. It doesn't matter how he tries to make you feel, it is still your house. It is your home with your son. You are letting him into your home and your life. With the emphasis on YOUR. You don't have to do anything that you don't feel comfortable or ready to do.

If you feel that you need to slow the relationship down for now, by asking him to move out then tell him. If he does love you and you love him then it won't matter one little bit. It sounds to me like you need some space and time to work out what you really want. He's bound to be upset, but if he's a good man then he will give you the space that you need.

Just talk to him. Tell him how you feel. If he is to be the person that you spend the rest of your life with then you should be able to tell him anything without it affecting your relationship.

Don't let him try and presure you, as he is the one who wants something from you. If you need some space then stick to your guns.

Sarahsaver

He sounds like a loser, whilst you sound like you have got your head screwed on right and are just trying your best. It's your house. If he won't contribute he isn't that commited.