Living together - financial arguments

meanycath

Hi all,

My BF (of 3 years) and I have decided to live together. I am a single mother to a 7 year old and own my own house which is worth approx £140k and have a 48k mortgage. I work part time and get wtc and ctc. I calculated that I will need £150 per week from my BF to make up the difference in my tax credits and also the extra expense of his food, electric and council tax.

BF has said that there is no way he is going to give me £150 per week and get nothing for it, so originally he said he wanted the mortgage to be put in his name so that if we split up he would own 38.5% of the property less the mortgage (his calculations). I thought long and hard about this and refused as I have worked all my life to have the little bit of security I have for my son and myself. I have been through the hardship of my marriage breaking up and not knowing if I would have a roof over the head of my son, I don't want to go through that again. He reassured me that if we did split up I could just pay him off and I would be no worse off but I still felt very uncomfortable.

Anyway, now BF has compromised and is now saying that while we live in my house, he will have no claim on it, but if and when we move to a bigger house then he will want a share of the equity I have in this house as he will have been paying into this house. I am still not happy as I feel he is trying to "gain" something from me. What do you think?

My BF is effectively homeless at the moment, he stays with me a few nights a week, works away or sleeps in his portakabin at his business. He doesn't earn enough to buy or rent on his own and I know that the £150 per week would be stretching his budget. He has 2 children which he pays £50 per week maintance for and he owns a share in his parents house which he pays a mortgage on. He has great hopes that his business of 10 years will do well and give him / us the comfortable lifestyle we would like one day.

He is telling me that I am not being fair to him and I would appreciate your comments.

Thanks.

jordylass

I think you have worked hard for what you have and it would not be in your best long term interest to give that up.
I am probably also coming at this from his point of view, when I met my partner 16 years ago he owned his home and I rented. We moved into his flat, moved from there to a house when we had our first child and relocated to a bigger one a few years after that (then with 3 children). As he didn't want to get married I felt I had no security and insisted in being on the deeds on that move. We had been together for 10 years by then, and we both thought that was a fair compromise at that time.

stardoman

Hi,

I think you're right and that he is trying to gain financially from you. If you're going to lose money by him moving in with you then why should you also give him equity in your home? You're still losing out. And where does the 38.5% equity come from? Say you do move in together and after 1 year split up, he will have contributed £7200 and will want considerably more back (50K?). Would you be able to afford to buy him out? Or would you have to sell your home in order to do so? I would not risk my home again, especially with children.

Fair enough if you live together for several years and decide to buy a home together, but I think signing over over 1/3rd of the equity in your home at the outset is too big a risk and I would be questioning his motives. The money he is contributing would also be going towards paying for his share of the bills - shopping, heating, council tax (which will increase when there is an extra adult in the house). So he is getting something back, but perhaps not £600 a month worth.

Can you negotiate on the amount, or is money tight for you too? Would he be prepared to pay £300 a month towards expenses and then you are sharing out the amount you would lose between you, as you both want to live together? But with this smaller amount would have no claim on the equity in your home?

Think very carefully before having him added to you deeds / mortgage (this will cost money to do as well).

HTH. Mandy.

Scarlett1

meanycath I agree with your concerns, I would have them aswell, I know what its like being a single parents and trying to keep a roof over your head and security for your child.

I wouldnt put his name on your deeds just yet, he seems to be have his fingers in a few pies, but at the same time not really having much stability in his home life, I know it sounds harsh, but I think he has pound signs in his eyes :rolleyes:

I would stick to your guns, why should you technically loose out on certain benefits if he isnt going to make-up the difference, that would mean that you in effect would be penalised for having him live there. If he is that serious about wanting to spend the rest of his life with you, he would find a way to provide the extra income so that you can keep your head above water

If he is still serious about you in a couple of years and you have had him living with you with no hiccups, and you know in your heart the relationship will work out, then consider putting his name on the deeds.

HTH

rchddap1

I know that financial arguements can make or break a relationship so please be careful. Both sides have very valid points. But why argue over who uses the most electricity, water and food and who pays for it? My partner and I both pay what we are able to. We are a partnership. He pays for gas, maintenance for his kids, car insurance and I take care of the mortgage, electricity, water, food and council tax. However, I own the house and legally he has no rights to it.

If he wanted he could argue that he contributes and so has rights to a portion of the house, but neither of us feels that it is something worth arguing over. Neither of us intends to leave the other and so we aren't thinking about it. What's mine is his and vice versa. As long as the house belongs to one of us then that is the main thing. As long as soneone pays the bills then that's all that counts. I could ask him for more money towards the bills, but he has some debt to sort out, and 2 kids to pay for. I know that when he is in a position to contribute more then he will mention it to me.

Sometimes it makes my partner feel uncomfortable as he feels that he should be providing for me and not the other way around. He doesn't like to feel that I am keeping him.

I can understand that your bf wants a stake in the house and I can also appreciate that you don't want to be left in trouble again if the worst should happen. He wants a bit of security and so do you and eventually you will find a compromise. But I wouldn't go at this from the point of view that you expect the relationship to fail. It is something that will be hard for you both to work out. Only you know how strong your relationship is and whether it is like to last the course.

If you feel that you are not ready to let him that far into your life tell him. Say that you are happy for him to live with you, but on the condition that he pays for some food shopping once in a while to cover his part of the bills. Over time, if the relationship is strong enough, your feelings should become more clear. You will also get a clearer idea of his finances and what he is capable of paying.

seese

You could always consider letting out your own house on short term tenancies,using the rent to pay the mortgage and maintenance and set up home with your boyfriend on equal footing somewhere else.
If the relationship or the arrangement come to an end you will be financially no worse off and you will have your own home to return to.
When his business takes off he can buy a half share in your house and you can remortgage it together.That way everyone is protected.
All the best in whatever you do.
Sylvia

suki1964

meanycath wrote:

Hi all,


Anyway, now BF has compromised and is now saying that while we live in my house, he will have no claim on it, but if and when we move to a bigger house then he will want a share of the equity I have in this house as he will have been paying into this house. I am still not happy as I feel he is trying to "gain" something from me. What do you think?


Thanks.

If he moves in with you in your house he will have no claim on it in the eyes of the law anyhow. Moving in with you, he will become a lodger - thats all

I personally cant see how he can even think that paying his way entitles him to any equity. If he went to a baording house paying £150 a week for the run of the house, meals etc I doubt he would find he could claim a stake in it when he decided to move out.

rchddap1

If law is all that matters then my partner has nothing. But it isn't all that matters. We have been together for 5 years and he has contributed so much to the house. He does most of the cleaning and cooking as he finishes work a few hours before I do. Even though I pay the mortgage, it is 'our' house and always will be. Not that I'm saying that I would cave in on this one, because I wouldn't. I would give the relationship some more time. Let him move in and see how things go. Ask him to take responsibility for some of the bills perhaps and take it from there.

meanycath

Hi,

I should point out that as a single Mum on a low income, I rely on my tax credits to pay the bills as well as my wages.

I would love to be in a position where I only had to ask him for a contribution towards his food every month, however, I would then be worse off than being a single parent and wouldn't be able to pay the bills. I have shown him all my outgoings and income and he agrees that I need £150 per week just to survive meaning there would be no spare left over.

So, unfortunately, asking him for a minimal amount of keep isn't an option.

jaimeo

"I calculated that I will need £150 per week from my BF to make up the difference in my tax credits and also the extra expense of his food, electric and council tax."

I am assuming that the bulk of the 150 is differences in your tax credits?? Council tax aside I cant see it costing more than about £70 extra per week to have him live with you.

If he lives in a portakabin/stays with you for a few nights a week then why doesnt he just stay for a few more nights? No need to pay extra council tax or whatever, he could just "store" a bit more stuff at your house.

Anyway, the fact he wants equity in the house etc. is nonsense, dont budge an inch on that. He is not "paying into the house" he is paying into the bills.

Could you perhaps tell us how you got to the £150 a week idea? £600 a month IS a fair wedge to pay simply on bills....

meanycath

Hi,

I currently get £100 per week in wtc and ctc which includes an amount for the £20 per week childcare I have to pay while I work. I also get free prescriptions, dental care etc and college course. Extra council tax will cost me £6 per week. He insists that I use the tumble dryer in the winter as he doesn't like washing around the house, he likes the heating to constantly be at 80 degrees, he has 2 very hot baths every day, he will only eat 'branded' foods and likes a bottle of wine with his meals, so I estimate his food will cost me £35 per week if I buy 1 bottle of wine (this is for 3 meals per day). i have tried to get him to compromise on this but he has said he is not prepared to cut back by having the washing around the house or buying non-branded foods etc. He insists that he is not a "peasant" and life isn't worth living if he can't have just a few simple luxuries.

This doesn't take into account the fact that he doesn't own a car (only a 3 seater van), so when we have his children to stay every other weekend we always use my car which of course, costs money.

So buy my calculations the £150 per week is made up of;

£100 to make up tax credits
£35 for his food
£5 for the gas and electric
£5 for the petrol
£6 for council tax

Total £151 not taking into account dentist and other benefits.

If anyone thinks I've miscalculated this, please let me know. I don't get any maintenance from my son's Dad, so this and my £120 per week wages and child benefit is my only income to pay for my son, my mortgage and my bills.

Thanks.