Living together - financial arguments

jellyhead

my hubby said the same thing :-( he reckons your bf sounds very immature and selfish, probably why his other relationships failed. sorry to be so nasty. my stepfather always treated us 4 the same as his own 2 children, he might not have felt that we were his own (i was 15 when he moved in so obviously it's a different relationship to the one he's had with his own children since birth but we're closer than i am to my own father) but as far as financial support goes he's a team with my mum and he supported her children where necessary. she did go out to work part time but it was mostly his wages paying the bills while my brothers lived there rent and board free while at college, the fact that they weren't his own children didn't matter to him, he still paid for their upkeep. sister and i paid board but that was when finances were tight so it was needed. from the moment stepfather moved in his wages were no longer his own, that's the way it is for most men who fall in love with a single parent. i only know of a few of my friends who've done the same but in every case they have had joint finances with the single mum after moving in, even where the stepchildren already had a father they were in contact with, you deserve the same, your son is part of you but your bf is talking as if your house is just a lodging place, his financial plans don't seem to consider that it will be his home with you for the rest of his life and you'll be a family together :-(

rchddap1

Sounds like you've been to hell and back curry_queen. Makes me realise how lucky I really am. And only my second serious relationship too. He's out in the garden putting in a composter as I type. Never stops.

Curry_Queen

I guess you could say I've not had an easy life and I could have said a hell of a lot more about my first relationship regarding the violence and abuse that also occured, but it's not relevant to what we're discussing here. And anyway life's not all been bad and the majority of the 10 years I spent with my second partner was good

This thread isn't about me though and I only posted my experiences to show Cath that she doesn't need to stay in her current situation, and how it affected me, and also that there are good guys out there and she deserves so much more than she's getting from this guy she's with now.

If I'm right in guessing her age I remember how difficult it was facing life as a single parent back then and wanting so much to have a proper "family" for your kids that you'd put up with anything to maintain a relationship. It's only as I've got older that I realise being alone is much more preferable to having someone like this guy in your life.

Cath seems to have her head screwed on right though and has done remarkably well in maintaining the security she has achieved for herself and her son and doesn't need this "no-mark" of a guy screwing it all up for her ... (sorry if that sounds harsh Cath but that's what he is judging by what you've told us about him here) ... but she needs a little confidence and courage to get herself back on an even keel again.

pandas66

re: curry_queen, my experiences too are very similar to yours, lots of ups and downs on my path. I have gained and lost, now I do hold onto what I've built up, for me and the kids. The only draw back I see in my advice (or the vast majority on here) is that I do seem to be saying is very contradictory. Make him put his two feet into this but keep a bit of yours back. My ex husband has been no father influence to my boys now 12/14. Hasn't seen them in 3 years. The next b/f was the one with so many similar traits to meanycath's its like its the one and the same. It was finances finances all the time but always from me. I gave up benefits to start a new life with him. Equals. Lets build this business up and you can work for me. How wonderful I thought. I was never a signatory on the bank account, never paid a going rate, part time wages. Didn't cover the groceries. He gave me cash and not enough! 'You only need to ask' he would say. Well now I don't, if I want it and I can afford (and I've double checked on here its the right price) then I have it. Its so romantic building a life together but thats when there are no baggage/strings/consequences but if its so rosey why do we feel cornered for want of a better word. I'm guarding so damn close what I have. Meanycath please realise its not for anyone to want you to end up with less, maybe you should think that the 38.5 % is already your boys, it could be college or such. Its not yours to give away. I say my house is mine/my kids, if I need to it'll be sold for them.
My thoughts and love and support go to you.

crutches

meanycath,ask yourself one question

do you want your son to grow up with this example of how to behave from his stepfather?

good luck

Savvy_Sue

MATH wrote:

My advice would be to use him for sex and tell him he's got to paddle his own canoo:p

MATH!

(I agree ... sounds like that's all he's using you for!)

filigree_2

I have a few concerns to add...

As others have suggested you could be inspected for benefit fraud since he is pretty much living with you, and has no fixed abode. You could have a very hard job convincing a fraud investigation that this man isn't living with you full-time. The fact that he does jobs around the house makes this more likely. I'm quite worried that your WTC entitlement is at risk.

It's a bad idea to get financially involved with someone who is not yet divorced. If you are fighting for financial support from your ex, he could argue that your new boyfriend is contributing to the home and you get a smaller share of the marital assets. If your boyfriend legally owns a share of your home it becomes an asset in HIS marriage, even if the ex-wife never paid a penny towards it. She could very well take him to court for a share of his new-found wealth ie the house you paid for! Whatever you do, don't share your money with this man till the decree absolute is granted. Not even a piggy bank, seriously. It sounds a bit cynical but sometimes divorces get nasty and courts make bizarre awards.

If you really care about him you can still date him. He shouldn't be dossing down all over the place at his age. Tell him to get a flat, put his life in order and approach you as an equal. Once he's sorted out his messy domestic business then think again about sharing a home. You don't have to dump him but you can still draw a strict boundary between your home and his life before he drags you down too.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

meanycath

Hi,

Well, in answer to some of the questions - I'm 31 at the end of the month, not early twenties (I wish!). I met my ex husband when I was 16, split from his approx 3 years ago and got involved with BF straight away. I knew he was interested in me and had known him for a while when I was with husband. So I have never really been on my own and I think this is why I stuck with my husband for so long when I was unhappy and then saw a possible opportunity in my BF and then left husband. Now I am sticking with BF because I don't want to be alone I suppose. I don't like to admit that but I think it's the truth.

As for what he earns - it's about £280 a week take home. He has a £320 per month mortgage to pay (over 13 years) and £55 (new amount just been agreed) maintenance to pay every week.

BF announced on Saturday (in tears) that he loves me so much and the thought of being without me is unthinkable. He has said he intends to give me all his wages and any cash tips he gets and that he will leave all the finances to me including his mortgage on his parents house and the maintenance to his ex wife. He seemed very pleased with himself that he had come up with this suggestion and couldn't understand why I wasn't jumping up and down for joy. I've told him that I can't go from thinking our relationship is finished one minute to living happily ever after the next minute. He says it means he can concentrate on the business and leave me to sort out the finances "as long as I don't refuse him £20 when he wants to go down the pub". He says his left all the finances to his ex wife when they were together and he thought she was doing OK until 9 months later she handed him a bunch of court letters where she hadn't been paying the bills and he says this is why he has been reluctant to share the finances. He says he knows I am different - which I am, I would rather eat beans on toast every night than owe anyone a fiver!

So now I feel like I've got what I wanted. So why aren't I happy? The truth is I didn't actually want "all his money" did I and the responsibility of that. I keep thinking if I do go ahead and live with him that I must make sure that the mortgage doesn't come out of an account with his income going into it, just to protect myself. I hate the thought of having to ask everytime I want to treat myself to some new clothes or something for the house. The thought of losing my independence makes me feel sick to the stomach. Is that just me though? Would I be like that with anyone? I was used to having the control over mine and my ex husbands finances but it was never to the detriment of my husband - he just couldn't be bothered with it all. BF says I am used to being in charge and now I don't like it because I can't boss him around.

Oh and as for his will. He is always talking about who he has left this and that to and has even mentioned my name. I assumed he had actually made his will but I asked at the weekend and he says he hasn't made it yet. I told him that his ex wife would get a share of my home if I had let him become a part owner in this house. He says he knows that but as I haven't made a will either my ex husband would get my share, so what's the difference? The fact that my husband and I shared our lives together and my son is his and he would have custody of my son if I died makes it slightly different I think?

meanycath

"Just a nasty thought but- these other women with children that he has been with and never shared childcare etc. - do you think he is targeting people who he thinks will be vulnerable?"

I know a lot of his ex-Gf's (it's a small town!) and most are quiet, shy, single mothers who didn't work at all who would have put up with anything and anyone to just be part of family unit. The few who weren't single mothers on benefits were women who seem to make a career out of shagging around any man going.

"Can you be sure he really is getting a divorce?"

yep, I've seen the papers

"If he is so keen to own your house and to "employ" you in his business - then you would be completely under his thumb!"

We have had quiet a few arguments about this - I just cannot do it. There is a part of me (and he has also said this) that thinks if I was really committed to the relationship then I would have given up my job and thrown myself into building up the business with him. But he is very bossy and aggressive and I know I would always be just another employee (although he would say differently).

"Are you also sure that he is spending nights in the portacabin - or does he have someone else on a string?"

I honestly don't believe he is seeing anyone else. Do I trust him to behave like that forever? No I don't. He did actually tell me a long time ago that he couldn't promise he wouldn't sleep with anyone else ever! Even recently he has said that the only things we will ever argue about are money and him shagging around. We had another row over that and again, he said he didn't mean it in the way it sounded.

filigree_2

Anything he promises about his will is worthless, he could go back the next day and get his solicitor to write another will leaving every penny to the donkey sanctuary. It all sounds very noble but you will only ever have his word for it. You can't depend on his airy fairy promises for your financial security. In any case, if he writes a will now the will becomes invalid on his divorce.

I'm almost divorced with a young son and we will own our own home in the near future, so some of your concerns ring bells with me. My totally subjective opinion is that this bloke is bad news and in your place I would not let him get his hands on my money or my property.

I still say, whatever you decide you should wait till AFTER both divorces are settled. If Sunny Jim really cares about you he can blinking well wait a few more months without turning on the waterworks.