Living together - financial arguments

Curry_Queen

Emotional blackmail :mad:

rchddap1

meanycath wrote:

He says he knows that but as I haven't made a will either my ex husband would get my share, so what's the difference?

The difference is that your ex husband would take care of your son. And your ex husband has contributed to the 'family home' for a lot longer than your bf. Your bf's wife has contributed nothing to your home. She has had no involvement. She will not take care of your son if the unforseen happens.

meanycath wrote:

The thought of losing my independence makes me feel sick to the stomach.

Being in a relationship shouldn't be about losing independence. It should be about sharing your life with another. If you truely believe that by moving forward with this relationship that you will be losing more than you gain you need to think carefully what your next actions will be.

meanycath wrote:

BF announced on Saturday (in tears) that he loves me so much and the thought of being without me is unthinkable

Fair enough, but this isn't the point. How do you feel about him? Sometimes when people ask me for advice on what they should do I ask them this question. Would you regret not doing it in 10 - 15 years time? If you feel that in 10 years time that you would not regret working on the relationship with your bf when you ahve to question your own feelings.

meanycath wrote:

BF says I am used to being in charge and now I don't like it because I can't boss him around.

So now he's trying to impose his will on you. This comment implies that he is in charge! In a relationship no single person is in charge. My partner and work as a team. Neither he nor your should be 'in charge'. However, you should be able to ask things of him. For example, you should be able to ask him to collect your son from a club or school without him responding with 'why', or 'do I have to'. However, this runs both ways. He should also be able to ask things of you from time to time.

Luis

Hear, hear Curry_Queen. I've got to admit, hat's off to the bloke - he seems quite skilfull. A lesser person than meany_cath could easily have fallen for all this soft-soap, and position changing, making them think they were in control, whilst really it was him pulling the strings.

So give yourself a pat on the back meany-cath, you are seeing through all his blarney (would put something else there, but this is a family site!), and you are staying strong, and not giving in to this practised, skilful, manipulator.

I am so proud of you :T

elona

Meany_cath

It is not what he says that matters but what he does!

No matter what he says - or rather sobs tearfully- the result is that you are not happy.

He is trying to "take you over completely" and is twisting things to try to look like a victim.

If you are feeling "sick to your stomach" - trust your instincts and put yourself and your son first.

Deep down you know you do not trust him and cannot rely on him and "wishing does not make it so."

I bet if it were not for him hanging around as a "spoiler" you would have met someone decent by now.

He took advantage of you being on the rebound and probably did the same to the "nice, shy single mums" but probably treated the brassy ladies better as like recognised like and they are probably the ones he has admiration for as they will not stand for his rubbish.

Was his wife more volatile?

meanycath

His wife was a single Mum with a house that was being re-possessed when he met her. She left him when she met someone else that promised her the world and then promptly dumped her.

She carried on sleeping with my BF for 5 years even though they never got back together as a couple.

She met someone else after about 2 years of splitting up with my BF, they set up home and have been together ever since. Her new bloke got her to claim benefits as if she was a single person renting the house from him. This meant that the mortgage was in his name (and still is) and even though she has since stopped committing benefit fraud. Up until BF met me he was still sleeping with his ex wife in the house she shares with her new man.

So, was she volatile? No, I don't think so. When they were together he spent everynight in the pub. In the end she was like me in my marriage, she had enough and found someone else and jumped ship.

The fact that she won't talk to me at all, even though I regularly look after her kids and have never said or done anything to her detriment, tells me she has a problem with him being with me. The fact that I am the first woman he has been with since he split with her that he has not also be sleeping with her is not obviously something she does not like.

I don't see her as a particularly strong person - I think she just wants someone to provide for her and her children. I think she's given up on finding a life long partner.

katiepops_2

You know what, Cath, the prospect of being on your own without a man 'to look after you' (or just be there or whatever) IS scary ... but I tell you what, it's brilliant. When I split up with hubby I actually loved the independence (didn't like the debt though!) ... I could do whatever the hell I wanted, and so could you ... don't be scared to make the break just because you are worried about being on your own ... you're obviously a very strong, intelligent woman - you'll do just great on your own, and even if you don't find it easy I'm sure you have family and friends who will be there to support and help you through.

It does sound very much to me that you don't love this bloke (or at least not enough to want to spend the rest of your life with him). I think you'd be doing yourself a great injustice if you stayed with him just because you'd rather not be on your own ...

Kate

rchddap1

meanycath wrote:

The fact that she won't talk to me at all, even though I regularly look after her kids and have never said or done anything to her detriment

Don't worry about that. I have a similar relationship with my partner's ex wife. The first Xmas we were together we had my partner's daughter on boxing day for our Xmas with her. We bought her a little net dress, that she insisted on putting on the second she saw it. During the day she got some jam on the dress.

Later on we dropped her off at her grandmas (ex wife's mother) and the ex turned up. I mentioned to her that she needs to be a little careful with the dress as she had already got something on it. No response. Not a word. Didn't even look at me. As far as she was concerned I didn't exist. From that point on she has hated my guts and will take every opportunity that she can to 'beat me' so to speak. Any chance for her to appear better than me she will take...particularly when I'm around.

To be honest I don't really care what she thinks or feels about me. As far as she is conerned I am the first serious relationship that her ex had after they parted company. Not only did I take him away from her, I took him over 100 miles away too. So I can understand her feelings about me.

I don't have to rise to them though. Every so often the daughter will ask how I feel about her mother and of course I say that I don't really know her, but as she is her mum I'm sure that she is a very nice person. If I do end up having a conversation with the ex wife I will be polite and chatty. I will agree with her on certain points (usually to do with something that OH had done, that she had been trying to get him to do for years.....even though he says that she has never said any such thing).

At the end of the day as long as my OH's daughter is okay, and he isn't having a fight with the ex about something then it doesn't matter what I say or do...as long as the truce remains in force.

So I wouldn't worry about what worries the wife. Or what problems she has with you. At the end of the day it doesn't matter. All that does matter is you, your feelings about the bf, and your son. She is simply an inconvenience that you will have to 'suffer' if your relationship with the bf continues.

margaretclare

Isn't this the case with a lot of women nowadays? We were all brought up to feel that there 'had to be a man in our lives'. We didn't feel like a real person unless there was one.

But many women now are finding the satisfaction of being independent and standing on your own feet. Someone has said that being in a relationship shouldn't cause worry about giving up your independence. But a really valuable partner will value your independence and will respect it as much as you do. It's possible to maintain your independence while living closely in a relationship with a loving partner - I know, I'm doing it!

Aunty Margaret

Spendless

meanycath wrote:

Hi,

Well, in answer to some of the questions - I'm 31 at the end of the month, not early twenties (I wish!). I met my ex husband when I was 16, split from his approx 3 years ago and got involved with BF straight away. I knew he was interested in me and had known him for a while when I was with husband. So I have never really been on my own and I think this is why I stuck with my husband for so long when I was unhappy and then saw a possible opportunity in my BF and then left husband. Now I am sticking with BF because I don't want to be alone I suppose. I don't like to admit that but I think it's the truth.
Catherine x

I have a friend exactly like this but older than you (nearly 38) and this is exactly what she has done since her teenage years. She married a man so mean he banned her from going supermarket shopping (she spent too much!!)and had to ask his permission to spend anything over £5.
When the marriage ended before her husband had moved out of the family home she was in a relationship with someone else (who was worse!). This bf if they all (she has 2 kids) went to McD he would give her the exact money for what he was eating, if he handed over a note, he wanted exact change back.

Thankfully she has binned him and straight away gone out with 2 diff blokes, one turned out to be married (and she's heartbroken) the other (who has claimed that he is loaded!!) has proposed and she's considering it even though she's only known him a few weeks(and she preferred the married man).

What i keep trying to tell my friend is that she is so desperate to be in a relationship that ANY relationship will do and she starts one up with the first ****head that comes along. She gives herself no space, no time to think things over to work out what she is looking for in life and then try to find a like-minded mate.I am unable to get through to my friend.

Is this what you are doing Cath?

Downsizing__for_sanity

Cath,

First of all, well done to you for standing up to him so far. Maybe you could suggest to him that you both keep finances and living arrangements completely separate, until BOTH of your divorces come through. If he loves you, he'll understand that this is financially and emotionally a common-sense thing to do. That way you can both draw a line under your past lives and start afresh (if you want to).

Once the divorces come through, you'll both be in a better position to see what you have and you haven't. Then, you could probably draw up some kind of arrangement which would be fair on both of you. My husband and I both put most of our wages into our joint account, and all bills, mortgage, food etc come out of there. The money we have left in our own accounts we use as our spending money - ie me for clothes, make-up and treats, his for non-essentials (he would disagree here!) like football boots!

I'll probably attract negative posts for saying this but - he might well be a so-and-so as has been outlined already, you will know, but he may also be someone who was taken for a ride by an ex-partner/wife and consequently reluctant to lose control of his money. If you get a firm grip of him now, and you do feel the relationship has something going for it, he might turn out to be OK in the long run.

HTH