Living together - financial arguments

elona

Oh my god!!!!! Cath "he has been in prison for fraud!"

I feel that the only thing he has learnt is how to manipulate people legally and is only out for number one.

Please do not misumderstand me - I do believe it is possible for people to reform and would hate to judge him just on that statement but when you consider a lot of the other statements you have made about him then he does come across as a "user".

rchddap1

Indeed a large amount of caution is most definately advised. And no you shouldn't have to fight or argue for a new pair of shoes, or a new shirt for your son. This should automatically be more important than his trip to the pub. But from your last post it sounds like he wouldn't think so.

When he formed a relationship with you he also toon on your son. As said before, love me love my child. You both come as a package and he has to start treating your son as his if this is to work. However, the fact that he doesn't want to leave any of his possessions to his step-son does make me worry. Sounds to me that in the past he has acted a friend, but has never truely let this step-son into this family. If he won't do this for him then he certainly won't do it for your son.

meanycath

the fraud was 20 years ago. He got involved in an identity fraud scam where he used other peoples names (I think they were made up and someone else forged birth certificates or something), he used false credit cards to live a luxurious lifestyle. It is difficult to get him to talk about it and I don't know the exact details and I know it was about this time he had his house re-possessed and he went bankrupt with about 50k of debts.

As I write this, I realise this sounds awful! But this was 20 years ago and he has been running a business for the last 12 years and as his (very trustworthy) Mum does the books, I really don't believe he is being dodgy now.

rchddap1

Sounds like his business life is clean anyway. I just hope that he hasn't transferred from illegal fraud...to the manipulation of individuals to get what he wants. Only you can answer that.

I suppose the big test will be if you tell him that you simply aren't ready for him to move in permanently. Will he continue to fight for what he wants and against what you and your son want / need? Or will he accept it and be patient? Will he wait until you are ready?

jellyhead

well of course it's your decision, but personally i'd take the way he feels about his other stepson as a bad sign. plus, if bf can barely afford this £150 a week bear in mind you will have to clothe him too, can you afford that? will you have to remortgage your own house just to afford to live from day to day without getting into debt? i don't know how comfortable you are on your current income with tax credits, etc. - do you have money spare for luxuries? can you buy school shoes when you need them or do you have to budget and save? if money is tight then i don't think you can afford for bf to eat into your living expenses :-( presumably he'd stop giving you whatever help he gives now towards washing expenses, your keeping his kids, etc. so maybe he'd have to give up wine altogether and you'd have to dry your underwear on the living room radiator? he says he isn't a peasant, but he really doesn't earn enough to keep you all, or even himself so he's going to have to learn that actually, he's not that posh lol!

meanycath

the trouble is when neither of you earn very much and one person doesn't have any assets they can draw from, pooling your money actually makes us both worse off on a day to day basis.

Yes money is tight now and not having BF around would make life harder as I wouldn't be getting takeaways every now and again or a couple of drinks in the pub because it is he that pays for these things. Now and again he will babysit for me and as I don't have any family to help, I would have to pay a babysitter. I do have to be careful with money and spare cash is a rarity and I know that that would get no better. He is now saying that he gets a lot of tips and cash but as I do not know exactly what that will be then I can't use that to make any calculations.

As for not being a peasant, this comes from the fact that he was educated privately at a very good private school, he then became an officer in the merchant navy at 16 years old! He is very bright and got 10 A's in his O'levels when he was 15. That doesn't mean he hasn't been stupid in his life though!

As for him giving up drink altogether - he would never do that. He has been a drinker all his life and although he does drink loads less - he would / could not give it up altogether.

elona

You would be about £40 a week better off without BF - £35 a week for his food and wine , branded foods, cental heating, tumble drier, hot baths etc.

Curry_Queen

I'm sorry but I'd run a mile from this man ... as fast as I possibly could.

I've felt uneasy about this situation from the start of the thread, but also tried to see it from his point and give him benefit of the doubt that maybe he had his fingers burnt and was taken for a ride in a previous relationship, hence wanting so much control now, but sitting back and looking at the bigger picture, especially in light of what you've revealed about his criminal past, i wouldn't trust him with a barge pole.


BTW, if this seems a little out of context it's because I started writing it an hour ago but had to leave it due to a visitor turning up, so haven't read any further replues yet.

rchddap1

If my partner and I got into a bit of financial trouble the first thing that he would do is sell his car and use his bike to get to work. This is the difference between your bf and the life that I know. My partner would do anything that it took to make sure that we were living within our means. I'm not convinced that yours would.

Perhaps he does treat you every now and then, but does this make you feel any different about your conerns? That is, your concerns about how he treats HIS children and YOUR son, his attitudes towards what he expects of both your and how the house is run etc... . It doesn't matter how he was brought up. Everyone makes their own destiny and their own choices. A Lord could make a wrong choice and end up with no money at all. However, a child of a single mum on a bad housing estate could make a right choice and end up being a billionaire. If the situation required it, and you were very hard up on cash, would he agree that all of his demands (wine, pub etc...) be forefit in order to keep your family afloat?

rchddap1

Oh, one more thing. I don't think that you should rely on his tips and extra cash. This can't be counted as regular income. If you do count on it, and one month it isn't there...then you are in some serious trouble.