Living together - financial arguments

pandas66

With you ALL the way with your decision cathy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx big love

elona

Good luck cathy

But I am sure he will do his best to wriggle off the hook - cry - swear undying love and devotion etc etc.

For your child's sake and your own be strong (even while your knees shake.)

Curry_Queen

Stay strong hun and stand up for what you believe in. You can do it!!! I'll be thinking of you and sending positive vibes your way *hugs*

jellyhead

*HUGS* keep posting on here, your 'whinging' is not wearing thin, we're all here for you. personally anything else aside i would never get involved with a man who didn't want to be with his child in hospital - having just watched my hubby clean up a floorful of sick from a child who's not his own and then cuddle him after i'd bathed him and never once complain or think that i should have been cleaning it up (i ran off to be sick too), who always comes to appointments, parents evenings, meetings about my sons special needs, etc. i know i couldn't be with anyone who didn't care enough to make that effort. maybe i'm reacting to having a useless father who was very indifferent, but knowing that my hubby would drop everything if my son was ever in hospital means a lot to me, and i think you deserve the same. you know it, good luck! i wish hubby had a brother i could pass your way lol!

if you don't make the break with bf tonight at least give yourself some breathing room by telling him you want to wait until you've had your free legal aid. then take more assertiveness classes and keep listening to us being harsh on here lol!

Js_Other_Half

i've been following this from the start, but just wanted to say hope everything went well tonight.

rchddap1

I know that I've missed the fireworks of last night and that I'm a bit late in offering my luck and best wishes, but here it is anyway. As long as you stick up for what both you and your son need then you will be fine. If he is any sort of man then he will be able to understand and will be able to wait for you as long as you need.

elona

I just wanted to let you know that we are thinking of you and hope things were not too awful last night - and that we would understand if you do not feel up to it just yet.

meanycath

Morning all,

Thanks for all your lovely messages of support.

Well I told him I'm not prepared to live with him at the moment. I told him I don't feel that he has mine and my son's best interests at heart, that I don't feel I can rely on him to 'be there' for us.

He says that I'm wrong and everything he does is for 'us'. He says I changed my mind when I said he could move in, but when I realised that I would have to commit benefit fraud for him to live with me, it was then that I calculated the £140 per week figure. He says why am I allowed to change my mind but he is not? He now says that his wages are £450 a week including cash and tips and that he would be 'giving' me that every week. I pointed out that I would be paying his mortgage and maintenance out of that money. He says that when we were discussing the £140 per week figure, I never once said that at some point in the future I would be fair to him and put him on the mortgage / deeds. I said if he knew me and trusted me, I shouldn't have had to say it and he shouldn't have "demanded" something from me in return for his £140. Deep down I've always known that if I asked for more money than just half of the main bills - he wouldn't live with me and that's why I've put off asking him.

He got very angry when I told him that he's offering me nothing financially but a wage. I calculated what I have paid in mortgage payments and rent since I was 16 and told him the figure - I could see he was visibly shocked. I want him to understand that I haven't got what I've got just by chance or the fact that house prices have risen. He said he has a lot more to offer than a wage. I pointed out that his business and his property are none of my business and I don't want anything from them. He said that "when I get my share of my parents bungalow in the future it will be MY money to do with what I want". Exactly I said! So why is MY home not allowed to be MY home?

I asked him what he would expect if I was renting my house? He said we would pay 50% of the rent and 50% of the bills. I asked him if he really understood that I was a single parent and all that goes with it? I got no response.

I asked him if he expected his ex wife to pay 50% of everything when they were together? He said no. I asked why I am different? I got no response.

Oh and another thing - he has always maintained that he worked all the time he was with his ex wife, but he has told me that they were claiming housing benefit. Now correct me if I'm wrong here but full time working people don't get housing benefit do they? So now I'm wondering if they were committing benefit fraud or if he wasn't working. Something doesn't seem to add up.

As for being there for a sick child. When I first left my husband and going through some terrible emotional times, my ex was playing guilt games with me and kept threatening to commit suicide when he had my son with him. My son was obviously traumatised by me leaving my husband as he kept getting recurring ear infections, he was constantly being sick, in pain and he lost a lot of weight. I was worried sick about him. I had to take a lot of time off work and I was frightened I was going to lose my job on top of everything else. My BF made a point of telling me that my son was "making it up" for attention. He refused to help me. One morning when I had been up all night with my son and I was in bed exhausted, my son went downstairs to watch a video, my BF was downstairs with him. My son asked my BF to put a video on for him. My BF refused saying that my son was perfectly capable of getting up off the sofa and putting a video on himself. My son was crying and begging. My BF walked away and said "you are a very spoilt little boy". I got out of bed and put the video on. This was 2 and a half years ago and when I bring up things like that with my BF now, he says "that was a long time ago and I've changed now, please don't keep bringing things up from the past."

As for carrying on the relationship, he doesn't seem too keen and to be honest I think if he wasn't with me most of the time - he'll cheat on me anyway.

I feel really low and alone and wonder if I had behaved differently if he wouldn't have been taking the **** out of me. I can't help feeling that it would be easier to back down and let him move in but at what cost in the long term?

zzzLazyDaisy

I haven't posted on this thread, but have been watching and rooting for you. I have been in the same position as you, many years ago. I let the man move in, but it was the worst mistake. My son and I suffered financially and emotionally both during the relationship and the subsequent split. I had to sell my house in the break-up to pay him off (I had foolishly put it in joint names, to appease him). That was a long time ago, my son is now grown up, and we both got over it, eventually, but it took years. My thoughts are with you.

Daisy

rchddap1

Cath you have to stick up for what you want and what is best for your son. It may be easier to give up and give the bf what he wants, but would it be right? Would that make all your fears go away. Would that make things better in the long term?

One thing that you needn't worry worry about is being alone, because there are a huge pile of people on this board who are with you. We may not be able to pop round to baby sit or for a chat and a cup of coffee, but that doesn't matter. We will support you through thick and thin. Any time that you need a bit of support then come here.

You have no reason to feel low. If this is a good strong relationship, then you should be able to be honest with him. If my partner had done something bloody stupid then I would tell him. If he did something I didn't like I'd tell him. What good is having a bf / partner that you can't be honest with? What good is someone that you can't go to if you are in trouble? Think about the sort of relationship that you want and then fight for it. Can he give you the emotional support that you and your son need?

You have done nothing wrong...and have done everything right. You have told him that he isn't supporting you enough. You have told him that he isn't being fair to either you or your son. You are a person, a human being, and as such don't deserve to be walked over like a carpet or a door mat. You are a strong person and you can do this.

You will never be alone and you will always have the love and support of your son. He loves you so very much and all he will want is for you to be happy and content. You should feel proud of yourself for being honest about how you feel with your bf.