Living together - financial arguments

elona

Cath

I am worried that you have (very generously) given him 2 weeks to leave.

Have the feeling he will use these 2 weeks to "wear you down " and promise you the earth - please keep posting for encouragement and let us all know how you get on as I do not think he will let go so easily.

rchddap1

Something that you could do (if you were feeling really hacked off) is after 2 weeks, if he hasn't moved out put everything out in front of the house. Tell him he either collects it, or the bin men do.

Something my vindictive mother use to do to my sister and I. It worked too!

meanycath

Hi all,

BF and I talked again last night and he has said he feels unfairly treated. He says he has changed his mind and is now doing as I want and he's still being "thrown out on the street". He says I misinterpreted what he said originally and I have a habit of repeating things that he has said to me but taking them out of context.

He says I always pick up on the negatives and never the positive things he does and says.

There is certainly an element of truth in what he says but the positive things (like him clearing up after dinner or not spending all weekend in the pub) is just common courtesy isn't it? Is he right to expect praise or at least acknowledgement? I do acknowledge and never ever take him for granted and after all, I do do things for him.

I am going to call my local branch of Lets (it's based in a town 15 miles away) and see what they have to say. I've also registered with favourxchange. They both sound good ideas in theory. Thanks for that.

I do think I need to acheive things for myself - I think the reason I feel so lonely when I think about being on my own is that I'm so used to having someone else to run around after and make decisions that it feels like if I don't have my BF then my purpose in life has changed so dramatically.

It's strange because I'm good at making decisions for myself and my son when I'm on my own but tend to leave it to other people if I'm in the company of others. BF is used to being in control and absolutely nobody dares make a decision when he's around. We all give him suggestions but he's the one who decides.

Thanks again for all your lovely messages of support.

:A

jellyhead

in what way is he being thrown out on the street?!!! it's not his home, his being there makes you commit benefit fraud. what's stopping him getting a home of his own for heaven's sake. you're not his mother!

it doesn't actually matter even if you are treating him unfairly, deliberately seeing negatives etc. because it's a relationship, you don't HAVE to be with him, you are ALLOWED to see negatives, to make decisions about the relationship - i was with somebody like that once, i'd tried to end things but he wouldn't leave me alone, kept hounding me about how i was in the wrong, all the things i'd been unfair about, all those talks about 'trying to save the relationship' etc. etc. until my parents had to get involved (i was only 18, he was 30) and threatened him with the police. i felt totally trapped, even his psychiatrist told him i was being immature! but the bottom line is that i didn't want the relationship, i was trapped, miserable, a prisoner and no matter how much he felt that i was only seeing negatives or was treating him unfairly or was being unreasonable for wanting to go to college/work i couldn't change the way i felt. i couldn't be forced to want the relationship. i didn't think i ever had treated him unfairly, but even if i had then that would have been okay because i was ending the relationship, and even if i didn't fully take all of his concerns on board and his ideas about how things could be salvaged that didn't make me a bad person. if something doesn't feel right then you do not have to be with that person, how much they want you doesn't come into it, you are allowed to have opinions and to want out of a relationship that doesn't feel right.

phew, sorry for all that!! i had counselling, i got depressed. his rants made me feel guilty, he made me feel that it was somehow my fault that he wasn't happy. when you've been with someone a long time they become like your best friend so it's harder to let go, you do feel some responsibility for their feelings. but yes, bottom line, you are allowed to feel what you feel, even if he thinks it's unfair. you don't have a duty to house him, he's not a blood relation. stay strong :-)

Spendless

Hi Cath

I mentioned on one of my previous posts about my friend and how she jumps relationship to relationship.

I have just rung her. She has ended the relationship with the man who wants to marry her because the married man moved in with her last week. It is less than 2 weeks since i last spoke to her!!!!! Amongst the conversation she mentioned that the now live-in boyfriend isn't pulling his weight with housework and will have to change (yes right!).

The wise words of MagaretClare on this subject comes to mind (Thank you Auntie Margaret).

Cath please i haven't got through to my friend. Listen to what everyone here is saying and be strong. I'm sure you'll find someone worth of you.

All the best

rchddap1

hang on...He's changed his mind and will move out of your house. It was never his house to being with, so he didn't have a choice in the matter. That phrase indicates that previously he didn't intend to do what you had asked him to :eek: . If push comes to shuv you can tell him to contact the council. They're pretty good at re-housing people every now and then. Mind you he'd probably think that only 'peasants' get council housing.

Sorry didn't like that first comment too much as you can tell. Good for you for sticking to your guns on this one. At the end of the day he can find somewhere to go. He has a business. He has some money. Its not that hard to find a place that's within his financial means.

Don't worry about 'throwing him out on the street', as you aren't. He has had fair warning. He hadn't properly moved in with you anyway, so still should have somewhere else to go.

As for only picking up on the negatives...well, when there are so many of them, and big ones at that (eg, swearing & shouting at a child) its hard to think of anything else. These things are important. If these negatives don't get fixed then they will mar your relationship forever. You don't want to form a long term relationship on hidden problems, as eventually they will surface and cause a large explosion if you get my meaning.

You don't have to worry about not running around for bf, as you have another man in your life who would love you to run around after him...your son. And when your son isn't with you for once you will have some time for yourself. Yes you. No one else, you. Sorry to repeat myself, but I feel that it is very important to have some 'me time'. This is when I sort things through in my head. This is when I relax and enjoy myself. Don't get me wrong I love my OH to bits, but every now and then some personal time feels fantastic. And I think that you need some. Run after yourself for a change. If necessary in circles at the park

If your bf isn't use to others making decisions, then the last week or so will have come as a shock for him. Possibly he expected you to say, yes no problem come on in. But for you to actually say ...no I'm not ready. It probably knocked him sideways. However, this is a good thing. If he is a controlling man you wouldn't want him to control everything that you do for the rest of your life (and that of your son). By showing him now that you can make decisions for yourself, that don't necessarily agree with his, shows him that he cannot walk all over you.

You have thought carefully and done what is right for you and your son...who are the most important people that you know and will ever know. It doesn't matter how hard bf tries the person at the number 1 spot in your list will always be your son. This will never change, and shouldn't either.

Well done Cath. :dance: :j :dance:

Edit: Oh and yes those things are just common curteosy (I know I can't spell).

Curry_Queen

meanycath wrote:

Hi all,

BF and I talked again last night and he has said he feels unfairly treated. He says he has changed his mind and is now doing as I want and he's still being "thrown out on the street". He says I misinterpreted what he said originally and I have a habit of repeating things that he has said to me but taking them out of context.

He is desparate because you've stood up to him. He is emotionally manipulating and blackmailing you and thats mental abuse. The problem is mental abuse can be so subtle that you don't notice it it till the damage is done, but take if from someone who's been there and got several t-shirts, you need to get him out of your life NOW!!!

He's already affected your son and is now working on you. Please Cath, don't let him do this to you. I know I'm just a stanger typing on a forum to you, but I do care what happens to you and all my instincts are telling me this guy is bad for you. I don't normally butt in and give such strong advice to people I barely know, especially when it's so one-sided, which shows how deeply I feel about this.

Keep posting for support, we're all with you on this and will help you through it hun.

Take care xxxx

nicecuppatea_3

Don't do it, Meanycath! Sounds very dodgy to me and your bf sounds like he's counting up already. You and your son are in a reasonably secure position after years of YOUR hard work and you could jeopardise it all if you're not VERY careful. I've been a single parent now for years, was married years ago (very young and stupid) to a very charming, handsome older man who assured me house was in joint names etc etc. After divorce I was left with 4 kids, no job and got not a penny, not even child maintenance (not that I'd have got any of that living, sorry, existing on Income Support as they take it away pound for pound as they do Child benefit) and all he had to do was move to Scotland and hide for a bit - he got married, had another family, never saw him again while I've struggled ever since. So - be careful - if you do anything, see a solicitor/advisor first please! (though my solicitor was useless). But I'd say 'if it ain't broke, don't fix it'. And don't be pressurised/blackmailed, you don't need it. Best of luck.

nicecuppatea_3

PS - Get a richer boyfriend!

culpepper

Remember this man has £450 a week that he was going to give you to spend/housekeep etc?
Well he can easily afford to find himself somewhere to live with it instead!
Dont fall for his little boy lost act.
Quite agree with the above poster , stick it all outside if he hasnt removed it in 2 weeks.Tell him to stow it in his porta cabin:D
What does he do for a living cath that he has a porta cabin and receives tips?
Sound like he thought he had already got his feet under the table and just needed the official welcoming legalities sorted!
OH says it almost sounds as if he and his wife are partners in crime out to fool the unsuspecting and i have to agree.
She has her lifestyle supported by him,her babysitting supplied by you. Yet she still has her husband and probably always will wether married to him or not.
He has his needs catered for by you and is not tied down at all, he gets cheap labour for his business and all he has to pay is his mums mortgage which he is hoping will return him a good investment.