Living together - financial arguments

rchddap1

Personally it wouldn't be the wage that he brings home that would worry me. It would be the long term attitude that he has shown towards contributing to home affairs. That is, only contributing under duress, and not acting responsibly towards the son. A few days or even a couple of weeks of changed behaviour cannot redress this problem. He hasn't shown a long term commitment to you or your son. The main problem for me still remains that he doesn't treat your son like his.

Fine, he takes your son to a birthday party, but if he was going to that party anyway, then its no big deal to take along your son for the ride. If a child is upset you simply don't shout at them. Shouting at a crying / upset child will simply make them even more upset. Also telling you to discipline your child, because he can't / won't handle the situation with the care that is required. He would need to show me over a period of months that he has changed before I would reconsider my opinion about moving in.

This female friend situation is a little concerning. It is no problem for men and women to be friends, one of my best friends is male. However, it is just a friendship and will never go any further. But when you start adding kisses, and a divorce into the equation it does start to get a little worrying to say the least.

My advice remains the same, as the basic issues have not been resolved. If he thinks that these problems can be fixed in a few days then is sadly mistaken. These are the sorts of problems that take months.

meanycath

Spendless,

His take home salary that he told me was £270 a week approx. After he had paid his maintenance and mortgage this left around £150 per week disposable income that he could have used for putting towards "our" household expenses.

So he is telling me that his tips and cash are £180 per week approx. Personally I think he is exaggerating this figure as I know if I had £180 per week floating around - I would certainly be aware of how much it was.

I was going to say that not everyone is "aware" of money like myself (and probably most people on this board) but then I think my BF is very aware of money.

I have a friend like yours whose BF makes mine look like an angel - her BF stays with her every night and expects her to feed him, her kids and her cats out of her income support money. He's even asked her where he comes in the family pecking order! He, apparently earns £50k. He has sent her on a photo shoot to have photo's taken of her in her risque underwear as he basically wants her to become a prostitute (but he words it slightly differently)! But she tells me that he's so good to her because one day he's going to buy her an expensive hand made diamond engagement ring! Aaaargh. My frustration with her is very high!

I apologise if I sound like my friend or your friend - I really don't mean to.

margaretclare

Hi Cath

I apologise for suggesting that he might not have been to public school. It was just a thought that crossed my mind, from things within my own family. And yes, there is a Merchant Navy college at Fleetwood. But at age 16, he would likely have been a deck cadet, like an apprentice really, and not any kind of officer although after a period of years and the relevant study and exams, he could become a deck officer.

Your friend on income support whose BF stays with her every night - does she realise he is making her commit benefit fraud?

If he has a place to sleep i.e. the Portakabin, I can't see why the delay and the problem he has in 'moving out'? Surely it's just a question of moving his bits and pieces to the Portakabin, and bye-bye!

I know you want to be 'part of a family', but there ARE good guys out there. Just don't sell yourself short!

Best wishes

Aunty Margaret

jellyhead

just a thought, if his wage slip says one amount but he's getting an undisclosed amount in cash and tips, is this fraud? does it go through the books and get taxed?

pandas66

My thoughts exactly. Untaxed income and wants you to commit benefit fraud. He's no catch. Hope you do wise up. SOON

meanycath

I suppose I hadn't even thought that by not declaring some of his income, he is comitting fraud! Sounds silly doesn't it?

My ex husband has was recently convicted of benefit fraud - he drives a £15k car owns a property he rents out, lives with his GF in her huge house, owns a boat and so many other material things and yet he earns cash in hand and says he "can't afford" to support our son at the moment or his children from his first marriage and he was fraudulently claiming housing benefit. When we were together he was always trying to find a way to gain money fraudulently and it was hard work just getting him to get and keep a regular job. He used to actually tell me that "we'll never have anything if we're legitimate".

I suppose it has just become normal for me to watch those around me fiddling the system! I had never really thought about it until now.

Frying pan to fire I think!

All I've ever wanted is a guy that works 9-5 (ish), doesn't get so stressed with his job that he's a nightmare all the time he's at home (my ex husband), and someone who earns enough (with me) to pay the bills and lets me sleep at night.

It's not really a lot to ask is it??

nicecuppatea_3

Cath, the fact that you're questioning this situation should be enough for you to kick this bloke into touch. What he may or may not have done in the past really has nothing to do with it. It's his attitude to everything now-you, your house, his 'keep', and most importantly of all to your son. Please don't make the HUGE mistake of carrying on with this relationship just because you think it's the best you can do. A relationship will (hopefully) be for the rest of your life, do you really want this level of stress/uncertainty/unhappiness? (It doesn't sound like he's making you the happiest girl in the world). I know you say you want to be a family, but as Spendless says, you and your little boy are already a family, (I'm sure your son is quite happy with just you) and this guy sounds as if all he's interested in is taking you for all he can get, your son would be a nuisance to him, getting in his way, and, forgive me, but he sounds like the type who'd be jealous and resentful of the time you spend on your son - and shouting at him? not the behaviour of any caring adult towards any vulnerable child. Yes, I've shouted at my kids but I also love and care for them, wiped noses, bums and cut knees, spent hours pacing the floor at night with colicky babies and would do anything to help them get on in life (like any parent on this board) while your bf has already been laying down rules about what he's NOT going to do ('FOR YOU??!!) with his own baby should you and he have one together let alone your son. He might be mr wonderful for a while but they don't say 'leopards don't change their spots' for nothing. Big deal he took your son to a party, he's not doing you a favour, this is normal, he should be (and should have been from the start) doing this sort of thing willingly as a matter of course without you having to ask, it comes with the job of being a parent which is, after all (I gather) at least one (and an important one) of the criteria you're trying to fill. From back here, Cath, he doesn't sound like good parent material to me, or even good partner material. Sounds like you'd be taking on a spoiled, selfish, demanding and tyrannical brat you couldn't even send to his room when he has a paddy. You've already said he gets on with your lad at sibling level, but did you want another kid just yet? Would you still be a single mum with all the responsibilities but with two kids? You say he's not making any effort to move out as you've asked - he obviously doesn't respect you or take you seriously. He's probably arogantly confident (judging by his past behaviour he doesn't think much of women) he can get you to change your mind with more of the same, manipulation, emotional blackmail, being 'nice' to your son etc etc. How do you think anyone 'normal' would behave in this situation? No one 'normal' would be behaving the way he has, making the demands he has, treating you and your boy the way he has (let alone cheating on former gf's - he ought to be ashamed, if he thinks this is ok do you think he'd be any different with you? Would he accuse you of being unreasonable if you minded?). It's not asking the earth to be treated decently, it's what you should expect and get from someone who reckons they love you. And beware of this 'love' word, if your (or anyone's) partner doesn't treat you first and foremost with care, consideration and respect he doesn't love you or he has a very warped idea of the concept or he's just plain lying (people do, you know!) and your bf hasn't shown any of these things from the sound of it. Handsome is as handsome does as my Grandma used to say. Or it isn't what they say it's what they do - oh, how true - wish I'd listened to her!
He's not going to change Cath, people don't on the whole, and even if he tries how long will he be able to keep it up before his true self returns and it's too late? Is the risk for both you and your son worth it? Really? Personally I don't think one has the right to try and 'change' someone anyway, they have the right to be selfish b*****ds if they like and I have the right not to have anything to do with them. I wouldn't want the hassle and grief of trying to change them anyway, there are lots of blokes out there who are lovely already and who'd appreciate you and your son for who/what you are not what they can get out of you. If there isn't I, for one, would rather do without. Suppose you caved in - even if it didn't last it could have a profound effect on your life and that of your son and your son may never forgive you. It could ruin the most important relationship in your life, that of you and your son. Your partners may come and go (no offence here) but your kids are forever. You and your son are alright as you are, you don't need this bloke, he's giving you grief or you wouldn't be on this message board. You deserve someone who offers you genuine love and support with no strings unless you offer.
And in case you're thinking: 'it's alright for you…' I brought up my six kids alone, under very trying circumstances, true, but it would have been even more trying with a difficult partner in the equation – not to say you have to be a nun. For the record, my eldest five are now well-adjusted, university educated happy individuals. Sorry to go on, but all of us who've posted here really care. Be strong Cath. Some of us have been there. Thinking of you and your lad x x

rchddap1

meanycath wrote:

He used to actually tell me that "we'll never have anything if we're legitimate".

This is very untrue. Most people work very hard for what they have (my partner & I among them). When I go home at night I can be proud that what we have we have earnt together legitimately. Besides, there is a great deal more to life than money.

meanycath wrote:

All I've ever wanted is a guy that works 9-5 (ish), doesn't get so stressed with his job that he's a nightmare all the time he's at home (my ex husband), and someone who earns enough (with me) to pay the bills and lets me sleep at night.

It's not really a lot to ask is it??

That isn't a lot to ask at all. And if that is what you want then look for it. But I don't believe that your bf can do this. So I'm afraid that you will have to start to look elsewhere. However, I think that you have come to this conclusion yourself.

When you find the right guy he will work with you, not against you. You will be able to sleep at night knowing that no-one is going to come knocking at your door with extra problems that you don't need (except for the usual problems of life of course).

Don't forget that you are in control here and not him. If you don't want to do something then you don't have to. If you don't want him to live with you then you can get him to leave. He wants access to your life and in the next few days he will try everything possible to get you to change your mind. Be assertive, confident and don't let him change your focus.

meanycath

Hi,

Thanks for the replies - I take my hat off to you nicecuppatea - 6 children!!! My life must seem like a doddle!

For the record I too believe that if you work hard, you will actually have a sense of acheivement over what you do have and I certainly don't have any aspirations to be rich - I just want enough to be comfortable.

You're right, life's too short to be spending it battling with someone else's will. If it was "right" we wouldn't be having the battle in the first place. He says he loves me and I believe that he thinks he does. But I don't think he really understands what love is. He told me the other day that love with a partner is always conditional. For example, I make the condition that he isn't to sleep with other women and vice versa, but that isn't a condition of love is it? It's just common decency and if you 'love' someone you simply don't want to sleep with someone else (at least I don't want to anyway!), it's not that you are simply obeying the other partner.

elona

Cath

you put it perfectly and you are quite right.