Living together - financial arguments

elona

Cath

Get some cardboard boxes from the supermarket (for free) and start to fill them - when he asks what you are doing - tell him you are making a start on sorting his stuff for him so that it is easier and quicker for him at the end of the month - use the broken record technique and act as if is already settled , done and dusted.

elona

When he finally does go - get yourself a treat of some kind - wine- video-face pack - you deserve it!:A

Edinburghlass_2

cath, how many times in these pages have you said you are going to talk to him tonight?

sorry but the time for talking is long past, just do something about his stuff and make the move for him.

jellyhead

meanycath wrote:

Yes, he got his feet under the table and I assumed this was OK because I honestly thought he would be OK about finding the £600 per month.

no offense cath but if his stuff is there it's not okay, because you're claiming tax credits you're not entitled to and probably lone parent child benefit too? if you haven't told the relevant authorities you no longer require their money then he's not allowed to have his stuff there or sleep there ... has he started giving you the money for these two weeks you're talking about? when does he plan to start?

katiepops_2

I'm starting to think that the only way you're going to get rid of him is to get your locks changed during the day tomorrow (I'm assuming that he has a key), throw his stuff into some bin bags and chuck them out in the front garden. (If you're worried about the cost of changing the lock you can get a new lock from somewhere like Wilkinsons, not expensive at all).

Cath, you CAN do this. You deserve better than this, you know you do. I know you're scared about the prospect of life on your own without a man there, but you CAN do it. You're a strong woman, you don't need this man leeching off you.

Kate

nicecuppatea_3

Yes, Filigree, it rings louder than the bells at the Vatican!! It makes me so angry! I HOPE these b*****ds are mentally ill, otherwise we're all in trouble!! Not that it excuses them in my book, I don't give a toss about them, it's the women, and often, children they leave with their lives in tatters I care about. The experiences I've read here (I've read them all) and I include my own (a serial b*****d, so many women he destroyed) indicate most of these men wage a deliberately cold and calculated campaign against the women on whom they 'home in'. Ok, it might not always be deliberate, it may just be the way they operate, but it works, it gets them what thay want ('what THEY want' being the operative phrase) and they don't care about the fall-out for anyone else. They use this 'love' thing wonderfully and we silly romantic girls fall for it! (No, I take that back - it's not a sin to be 'silly and romantic', - or vulnerable - the sin is in the evil swine who see it as an opportunity to exploit). But no wonder, though, when we have it rammed down our throats from the cradle, from Snow White on. Thing is, you don't see it coming, our experience doesn't arm us against people like this, you don't believe anyone could do these things (though you might read about it in the tabloids happening to other people, 'why doesn't the silly cow leave him?' you might say) and certainly not this man who professes to love you. It doesn't have to be violence or abuse, it can be so subtle you don't even recognise it (criticism, for instance, chips away very effectively at your self confidence and self-belief, - the way you dress perhaps, the way you rear your kids - he may even convince you he's doing you a favour!). In your case, Cath, (if I may presume) this guy has an advantage straight away due to your desire to 'be a family' and maybe you're scared of coping alone, this is a vulnerability in you, (I know all about it from my own bitter experience) and it gives him a hold over you. He may or may not recognise it but it's working for him and against you. Many of them do recognise it and use it mercilessly. Would you put up with all you've spoken about if you were more confident/had a good job/better social life etc? Not that even this is always a defence against a practised b*****d. Not all sociopaths have 'Psycho' written across their foreheads and go around stabbing people in the shower, most of them are charming and intelligent with good social skills (see previous posts), that's how they get away with it. Sadly there are many of them about (just read this board) men and women it's got to be said but women tend to be more often in vulnerable situations, on their own with kids, no money, etc. The condition of being vulnerable, however, is only dangerous because there are pigs out there who will take advantage of it. And it's all perfectly LEGAL. Sorry everyone, I'm going on again - in my fury - I'm off to have a nicecuppatea.

Spendless

filigree wrote:

he claimed that his ex died in a car crash while pregnant with his child.

Same thing here. In my case a dead fiancee who actually turned out to be his very much alive 2nd wife that he'd married less than 6 months ago!

Freebie_Hunter_2

Hi Cath.
Reading the posts I can see a somehwhat familiar pattern.

You're making excuses for his 'naughty boy' behaviour and trying to justify things.
He sulks if he doesn't get what he wants. He's not being firm, just demanding.
NOBODY needs to be homeless. He's probably too lazy and tight to get a place of his own. But then why should he when you're accomodating him? More's the point, someone who 'can't afford' to get a place (even if it's just a bedsit - has he no pride, dignity or respect?!) certainly can't afford wine, beer and branded food.
He's had a slice and now he wants the whole pie.

I'm being brutally honest but I smell a rat who has hung around and gradually got his feet in front of your hearth. Now he wants the full monty free of charge. He figures he's got this far without paying for anything so why should he when he 'stays' every night.

All this money you're spending on his washing, food, electric etc could be going into a pot for your little mans college fund. All this man seems to be is a leech.

Time is no status of a relationship. In this case it just shows your patience and endurance. He thinks he's 'earned' his way into your house by being with you for 3 years.
My husband moved in with me after 4 months of being together (we lived 200 miles apart and figured it was the best way to find out if things would work out - housing is very scarce here and any available is expensive along with a low wage) and from the word 'go' he gives me the bill money. I work part time and that money is mine, although I do pay for the odd shopping trip. If I need money I just ask. No qualms or questions.

It works really well for us as both my husband and I are somewhat old fashioned in our values. I keep the house clean, wash his clothes and feed him and he's the main breadwinner. My wages are my pocket money.

You and your boy need a man who is going to pull his weight and meet you in the middle.
This man is not the one who is in your life at the moment.
You deserve so much better. There's a woman out there who will accomodate this guy and his way will work for them both. I feel sorry for her and think she'd be a doormat BUT everyone works differently.

PLEASE think very carefully because once he's in he'll be hard to get out. You seem to be questioning everything yourself and that's a sign that things aren't working the way that they should be.

Best of luck for the future and I hope you make the right choices in life tat are best for you and your boy.

nicecuppatea_3

What I was GOING to say is, I wonder if there is a website (apart from this one!) where you can exchange info about these dangerous and exploitative people some of us seem to have fallen foul of? I can see it could be open to abuse but perhaps exchanging info in private. Perhaps not actual names but say, initials (to avoid libel) 'area of last known operation', comparing stories. It's too late for me (by 20 years) but I bet he's still at it, I wasn't the first and I know for a fact I wasn't the last by a long way. I was approached by a friend of the mother of one of his young victims and asked to get in touch and warn her. She was willing to listen because people had warned her about him anyway and in fact she contacted me. We actually had a bit of a laugh as the formula was very similar even down to discussing baby names - there must be loads of them with the same ones! He'd changed tack from the 'I'm sterile' line with her but was obviously practised at recognising which buttons to press with each victim! She at least was spared having her young life blighted. On the other hand, I guess it could lead to a whole peck of trouble and even badly backfire. It was all a long time ago, it's all over, I'm happy and quite content with my life now and I wouldn't want to start anything up again. But that again is in their favour, isn't it? Silence. Sorry, everyone, I'm just rambling - I apologise for (temporarily, honest) hijacking your post Cath - but if anyone has any ideas it might be interesting at least. And Cath, my duck, take note of us 'old hands' - don't give him the chance to 'talk you round' he's probably better at it than you - the time for talk is over - get rid and get rid now! You're not responsible for him, he's got a cosy portacabin and if he doesn't like it - not your problem. Just keep talking to us, we're right behind you! xx

rchddap1

I'm sure that Cath will do the right thing. She is a strong and powerful woman when she wants to be. At the end of the day if this is what she and her son want and need then he will comply one way or the other, no matter what sort of a man he is. She just need to keep sticking to her guns, and as another poster has said, if he isn't getting ready to move out then start to do it for him. Get some boxes and put them in the hallway so he can trip over them for example.

Edit: My OH has just said that from what he has read he would chuck everything out in black bin bags and then call the police if he won't go.....and yes he has read the posts. Mind you, I do worry why he would be with your bf in the first place.....:rolleyes: