Living together - financial arguments

meanycath

Well, I spoke to him last night and yes, because he's been behaving well, he thought I might have changed my mind. I made it very clear that I haven't.

He is now constantly telling me that I have changed my mind by offering him a roof for £300 then changing the figure to £600. (The £300 was before I realised how many tax credits I would lose) and that I am being unreasonable and unfair.

When I keep repeating that I am unable to live with him at the moment because of what he has said to me and how he didn't consider me or my son in his calculations - I feel that he needs to think about what being with me actually means. He raised his voice and said “This is getting really boring now”.

I told him that if he loved me and respected me then he would understand how I was feeling and he would give me space and understanding.

I also brought up the fact that I feel like he has lied to me by telling me on at least half a dozen occasions that nothing ever happened with his female friend. I asked him how I was supposed to believe him when he told me that nothing happened when he visited other female friends that he had when we were first together? He gave no response.

He keeps telling me how hard he is trying and how he is getting no recognition for that. (He spent a few hours working hard digging a vegetable patch for me in my garden last weekend). I said that all the things he is doing are part of being in a loving relationship and should go without saying. (Not sure if digging vegetable patch goes beyond that slightly!) He actually said “Why don't you just let me look after you”. I commented I would like nothing better but after what he has said, I don't believe he has my best interests at heart, so I have to look after myself.

He also said that my mood swings at the moment are unbelievable. (I also stood up to my ex husband for the first time the other day too!!) He said one day I am fine and the next I am not. I pointed out that just because we are being civil to one another it doesn't mean I have changed my mind over living together. Why do my ex and my BF treat me badly and when I stand up to them they make me feel guilty for “upsetting the apple cart”?

I feel glad that I have stood up to him again, that he can't just do what he feels like when it comes to my son and me. However, I do feel guilty for hurting him. I hate the thought of upsetting anyone and would rather be upset myself than see someone else upset because of me. He pointed out that he won't be able to vote because he is not on an electoral roll and it made me feel guilty!! Why? I obviously feel responsible for him don't I? He came in last night when I was watching supernanny (one of the few tv programmes I watch) and I felt guilty because I didn't jump up, switch the tv off and sit with him.

As for chucking him out - I think that is a bit harsh. I told him I would like him to leave at the end of month. If that was a serious problem, he was to let me know and perhaps we could sort something out. That is what I have said and that is what I will stick to.

swampytiggaa

well done cath - you are doing really well and i am very proud of what you have achieved since your first posting

I think you are sticking to your agreement [wrt the time you are giving him to move out] but make sure that you are strong enuf to pack his stuff into boxes and put it on the footpath if he isn't out by the date you agreed...... cos if it comes to that he has shown you real disrespect.

:T to you - you are fabulous!

rchddap1

If he isn't on the electoral role then that is his problem. Afterall, he could have registered himself at his parents address and then picked up his voting card either at their house, or from his mother at work. Its not exactly a hard thing to organise. So, I wouldn't worry about that one. Anyway, he will still be registered somewhere, even if its at his ex-wife's address.

If he isn't on the electoral role then this would make it difficult for him to get a mortgage in the first place....so how would he take over your mortgage?

And there is nothing wrong with upsetting the apple cart every now and then. In fact I think that life would be rather boring if it wasn't. At the end of this it may even make your relationship stronger, depending on how he acts towards you after he moves out of course.

Perhaps one thing to point out to him is that he has just said himself (in your post above) that a bit of space would be a good thing for you. He has said essentially that you are up and down like a yo-yo...if so, a bit of time and space to sort your head out, and what you really want is probably a sensible thing. Things won't just 'settle down' just because he moves in.

As for letting him look after you...fine, great. But that isn't how it works anymore. I couldn't just sit down and let my partner 'look after me'. Its not the way I work and certainly not the way I was taught. I also need to be looking after myself. Its called independance and freedom. I need to be able to do what I want when I want, and feel no restrictions when I do so. If I want to splurge on an extra large shopping spree I will. If I want to treat myself, or my partner (& kids) I will.

Besides, its not just you in this relationship, its also your son. You need to look after your son, because at the moment your bf isn't acting like a resonsible step-parent towards him. Your son can't stand up for himself due to his age, and so you have to fight for what he needs and wants.

At the end of the day, if you won't stand up for what you need and for your own rights then who will? Don't feel guilty about anything as you have nothing to feel guilty about.

As for jumping up from the TV when he walks in, that is going a tad too far for me personally. I will always say hello to my partner, but I won't always stop what I'm doing just because he is there. He isn't a god and I don't worship him as such.

Chucking him out is probably going a bit far at the moment, as you have already told him that he has until the end of the month. However, you have to prepare yourself for what actions you might have to take if May arrives and he is still there. These actions that other's have been suggesting may have to be taken further down the line. If that is he assumes that you have changed your mind yet again.

Oh and well done for standing up for yourself again.

elona

Cath

When I said start putting stuff in boxes - I meant ready for the end of the month so he can see that you are serious.

When he wants "to look after you" say "That would be great , you get a flat and pay for it and I will rent out this place."

You cannot afford to keep him (he is not your child!)

You could end up in prison because of him and what will happen to your son?

If he refuses to go saythat someone has told social services or whatever and they are coming to interview you both - and will probably investigate his business as well as he is encouraging you to commit fraud!

He should be out of there so fast your head will spin as he is only interested in saving his own skin and bleeding you dry.

meanycath

Oh and by the way I spoke to him about his Navy days and he said he started as an "apprentice officer" did 3 years training and then was second mate (I think this was the job title he gave!).

And... I'm not having a lot of luck with Lets. The phone number for my local branch is out of use and I've tried e-mailing and phoning another organiser from a town 25 miles away but no response so far. I'll keep trying - maybe I should set something up myself.

One of the courses I hope to attend - a confidence building class is free and is in the daytime. I'm going to ask (my long suffering) boss if I can change my working hours slightly to accomodate this course. I really don't want to tell him what course I am going on so I might have to lie and say it's flower arranging or something!

I've also found a couple of one day courses for crafts - beaded jewellery and glass painting. I intend to sign up to those to give me a new skill to learn and some unusual xmas gifts to make!

I'm seeing a solicitor next week about my divorce as I am stumped what to fill in on the very last part of the divorce forms (I was hoping to divorce without solicitors). My husband and I agreed split of equity and finances when we split and I just want to finalise that at the time of divorce so there is no come back.

The disagreement with my ex husband was because he phoned me Mon night and asked to have our son Weds - Sun this week. I said no as I have booked childcare (which I will have to pay for) and I've also made plans to do nice things with my son on the few hours I'm not working. I have not received any maintenance from my husband for my son for a year, but he offered to pay for the childcare I had booked. This made me angry. If he can afford to pay for childcare we don't use, then he can afford to give me £5 towards the keep of our son. He regularly tells me how poor he is and yet he owns boats, cars, a property he lets out, 2 pedigree dogs etc. etc. He works cash in hand so I can't go to CSA. He is constantly rubbing my nose in what he has and this phone call on Mon eve was the last straw. I have never said anything before - I just quitely seethe! I stayed calm but made my point. I got off the phone and cried my eyes out. He told me that he has problems too (he is appealing against his conviction for benefit fraud, which he has admitted to me he did).

Anyway, I'm feeling good (if a bit strange) for finding this new found strength.

The friend I was talking about (who sees my BF's side) has been behaving very strangely since I spoke to her about this. We used to see each other at least once a week, now I've only seen her once in the last month. It's ironic that just when I need a friend - she disappears.

I forgot that I did actually tell another friend (who has given up everything to be with her husband) and she agreed with me. She knows my BF and couldn't believe that he understood what I was asking and still refusing. She has said she would be very wary and she says it's simple - he's either with you or he isn't.

Anyway, I hope you don't mind me waffling - it's nice to have some "virtual" company.

rchddap1

Always plenty of virtual company here and support. Please feel free to waffle as much as you like...most of us do that all the time. We'll always be here when you need us. It is strange that your friend has deserted you, but at least you have someone else that you can talk to and I'm glad that she is advising you to be careful.

I'm sorry that your divorce isn't going as planned, but stick to your guns. Your ex is the child's father and so should pay something towards his keep. My partner has a voluntary arrangement with his ex wife. He did this because he didn't want to cause any distress to his daughter. Didn't want to see her upset because mummy and daddy were fighting. He's always very careful about this. She is old enough to understand now, but wasn't at the time. He didn't want her to see Mummy and Daddy fighting in court and wanted it all done quickly and simply.

Your ex has caused his own problems, but that shouldn't affect you or your son. It doesn't matter what happens in the appeal, he still has a son and should give you something towards him.

swampytiggaa

meanycath - if you live anywhere near me you are welcome to some real life support as well as virtual - doubt you are tho from your posts but in case you are i am very near birmingham

have been thinking about you loads and hoping you get the resolution you need - before i married my hubs i made him move out cos of financial stuff etc - took a while but we sorted it out and married and now have two little'uns [as well as the big ugly one i already had ]

good luck

rchddap1

That's how most of us start cath. We come for a bit of help and end up completely hooked and helping others. It is very addictive.

swampytiggaa

it was mostly financial the issues we had - have to say i would trust my OH with everything i have really..... have no worries when he goes out on a blokes night out [not that he has for the past 3 years ] even when they end up in a lap dancing club cos i know they are only there cos they can drink later lol

i couldn't live with someone i didn't trust totally tho - don't sell yourself short cath cos you will be happier on your own than living with him - and if he is at a distance you will see if you want to be with him iyswim.

plus once you have your confidence fully back you will be in a position to enjoy life - and if you meet a knight in shining armour you will be ready and waiting :dance:

jellyhead

cath, surely he can't vote anyway, he needed to be on the electoral roll before now, i doubt it could be arranged even if he moved in with you officially today! does this mean he's been dodging council tax for the past few years too, not registered anywhere and not paying?

anyway, it's not your problem, he's a grown man and perfectly capable of finding his own place to live. how can he say he wants to look after you if he can't even afford a place for himself? tell him your house is for your sons inheritance, and if he wants to live together you can rent out your house and the 3 of you can move into a family home elsewhere lol!

you say He raised his voice and said “This is getting really boring now”. - that is totally unbelievable!! how DARE he speak to you like that, when he's supposed to be proving his love for you? if he speaks to you that way before you're moved in together then the relationship has absolutely no future and at best could only limp along making everyone miserable until one of you finds someone else.

anyway, keep waffling on here, and keep watching supernanny, those tips could help when dealing with a bf who behaves like a demanding toddler :rotfl: keep up with the college courses, can the other friend you spoke to manage a bit of babysitting for you if you're stuck? she sounds okay, keep in touch with her :-)