Living together - financial arguments

nicecuppatea_3

I hope, Cath, you've sorted things out for you and especially your sons' sake but I've got to say, though your bf may be perfectly genuine, I so recognise this. The 'business', the public school, the glamorous heroic career in the forces (in my case, backed up with 'fixed' photos/certificates and, no doubt, help from pulp war novels). I also got: relative bequeathing fortune - 'I'm sterile due to injuries sustained during hero duties in N Ireland therefore no need to take precautions' (he even had 'doctors report'). Resulting baby – 'not mine – you must be cheating on me!' (Chance would have been a fine thing! Traumatised single mum with 4 kids already??) It started out ok, didn't fancy him but was flattered by attention (even grateful for it after what I'd just been through, though a little startled by his insistent manner, should have rung alarm bells), impressed by his apparent wonderfulness and extravagant gestures with kids – every mother's weak spot – I was a sitting duck! Also, I got: I'm divorced from my awful wife – my family are terrible, you wouldn't want to meet them - how can you bother me with little things like money for baby when I'm dying from cancer - (the worry of which turned me into a six-stone wreck but that I couldn't help with as he 'had to fight it in his own way, on his own' - guess what that was, and not on his own). I recognise the little psychological tricks, the heartless emotional blackmail, the manipulation, especially through the kids, the control, the sulks – so you stop seeing your friends/family and become more and more isolated thereby losing your frame of reference so you think you're the one going mad/always in the wrong. The disappearing at night, 'working as night taxi driver' then 'staying in empty office needing to be near hospital for early morning stool samples as part of cancer treatment would you believe – yes, I did – especially the stories of him staring despairingly up from lonely pallet bed at dirty office ceiling making pictures from the stains. God, he should have written books. It was the portacabin bit of your story, Cath, which really made me sit up, lol. I eventually, in desperation, followed him one night – he went 'home', not to his wife, who I later discovered he wasn't divorced from but still sleeping with, but to yet another poor woman (and their 2 yr old) he was stringing along. Oh, I forgot 'taking care of valuables for me' including 300 yr old family heirlooms (never seen again) and stealing from what little money I had (income support) even kids pocket money and trying to convince me it was my 7 yr old – saying his friend at the shop had caught her shoplifting-lies, lies, lies and so, so much more and a lot worse. I wonder if they get their ideas from a website or something? 'How to be An Utterly Ruthless B*****d and Get Clean Away With it Dot Com'. They get away with it because unless you too are a cowardly, lying, thieving, scheming, duplicitous, manipulative, mercenary, egocentric, perfidious, unscrupulous, malignant, odious, unconscionable and psychopathically predatory piece of scrofula yourself you're unlikely to recognise it in others – and they can be charmers, can't they?
I am only grateful my beautiful kids didn’t hold my entanglement with this monster against me and should he ever show up and attempt to lay his evil influence on his (yuk! I only say 'his' for clarification) 20 yr old daughter I'm sure her six foot four rugby playing brothers, who were little children at the time, would be only to pleased to 'show him around'! For the record, I survived and now run my own successful business – on my own – and I love it!
The point I'm trying to make is there are people who can do this kind of thing to another human being without any conscience at all. Your bf might not be as bad as this and there are worse but from what you've said he's bad enough and whatever he calls it – it ain't love.

meanycath

nicecuppatea,

Wow, thanks for sharing your story with me. He sounds like an absolute monster but I'm so glad you've come through it.

I honestly don't think my BF is like your ex, although their are definetly some similarities.

I know that a lot of the past GF's he's had he has cheated on them and sometimes had 3 or 4 women on the go at the same time and he treated them all as if HE was doing them a favour. Maybe some women would be impressed by this (what a stud!), but it leaves me cold.

When we were first together he had a female friend who he swore to me nothing had ever happened with. He used to take his kids to stay with her (and her husband) for the weekend and leave me and my son at home. When I spoke to her on the phone (I dealt with her through my work) and invited her and her husband for a meal, she was very dismissive and cold towards me.

My gut feeling was that she had feelings for him even if there was nothing going on. I used to try to talk to BF about it and he made me feel like I was making a big deal out of nothing. Eventually she phoned him one day and announced that she was leaving her husband (as she had tried to do for years) adn could my BF go over and see her? He refused and said that he was having a relationship with me and that he was very happy. He says he has never heard from her since.

3 weeks ago when we were out having a lovely meal together, she came up in conversation and we were discussing her attitude to life (apparently very materialistic and disorganised) and he said "and anyway, when I kissed her, it didn't turn me on at all". I burst into tears. All these years he told me it was innocent and it obviously wasn't. He couldn't see what my problem was as he only kissed her (on 2 separate occasions) and nothing else happened. I told him I felt like I'd been lied to. He said he honestly didn't think a kiss counted as "something" and he swears that he never kissed her when he was with me.

Was I wrong to make an issue out of that? It was that along with the financial side of things that really made me wake up.

Apparently BF spoke to his (kind of) step daughter last night who is a stay at home Mum who's husband earns £50k. BF asked her if he told her the amount of money I was asking for (£600 per month) and she said no and then commented on how much money that is. With the greatest respect she spends the same amount per month on food (she's a real foodie!), he would be getting a roof over his head, all his bills and his food.

Oh and you were right he is now being Mr Charming - he can do no wrong.

Spendless

Sorry Cath - but i'm with nicecuppatea as alarm bells are ringing with me too.

I also dated a man in the navy who claimed he was seperated with a daughter. It was a long time before i dscovered he was married and i recently discovered he'd also had another child with wife whilst dating me. He also had plausible explanations for where he was and what he was doing.

The friend i mentioned earlier. This man has claimed (amongst other things) that the reason he has so much debt is that he was diagnosed with a brain tumour went to Las Vegas and had a while of a time because he thought he wasn't going to live but the hospital had mis-diagnosed him!!!!!!!!!!!

Men like this know what buttons to press.IMO the soonner you are rid of this bloke the better.

Best wishes

pandas66

Theres a horrible feeling coming over me with this thread, such a recurring topic. He was in the Navy, 3 different woman here and I confess my ex husband is an Ex navy. God if we were all attached to one cheating low life ****head but theres so many more of them. For all your records I left my ex in 1994 and has been roaming and preying ever since (sue me if I'm wrong)(that was a note to ex) 2 extra children (2 x different Mums) several others (15 by my last count), he's bought 2 houses and set up 'proper' homes. But rest assured he's changed his ways as last year he left 1 spring time, got married in July/Aug to an american and all being well is emigrating this summer. (promises promises) He has said the most outrageuos lies that he either lives on another planet or we're all wrong! Inciedently he is an ex public school boy (wow, the similarities) He has to maintain a life style. It must be the training at Brittannia College cos he certainly wasn't like it before he went in. I knew him 5 years before he joined up. He's now 41. 4 kids he never sees. None of us talk to him, I know where they are but aren't in touch but a friend keeps me uptodate on how the kids are, its enough for us all. I have always said look at how he treats his 1st wife and kids, no one is more golden than your 1st born. My eldest is the spit of him.
I'd just like to say cathy 'your' guy/this man has done so much in his life but nothing sustanied. Men like this deserve to be branded in my opinion. Leaches on life and to women who do a damn fine job raising the kids, holding down jobs and houses etc Just mark them up so we can identify them and avoid.
Sorry wasn't mean to be a bitter ramble, lots of love to youxxxxxxxxx
Ps I am bitter at the aftermath that is left.

Spendless

Pandas - I don't think it's same bloke due to some details you've given but just in case and also cos i don't want to hi-jack Caths thread I've sent you a PM.

Best wishes

jellyhead

i dates a compulsive liar when i was at college, he was at uni in my town, and he'd been to public school too, maybe they have lessons lol! this was years ago but he now has a string of failed relationships and children he never sees :-(

Addy

Hi Cath - forgive me butting in but I've read through the thread and there's one thing hit me square between the eyes.

I did a search on the thread for the word "love", and can't see anywhere that you have said you love him.

It may well be something that is so clear to you that you didn't consider it necessary to state, and in which case I apologise for prying.

You sound like a lovely lady, a wonderful mum and someone any sane bloke would be honoured to be with.

margaretclare

Hi Cath

So now he's down to emotive language - 'throwing him out on to the street' in an attempt to make you feel guilty. Emotional blackmail, and this is the way he hopes to manipulate you.

I wish you had actually told him to go - go now, don't collect £200, don't pass go, don't stop, just give me back your door key and let me see the back of you! Because 2 weeks does actually give him plenty of opportunity to work on you.

Oh these ex-public school guys - well, remember that it's possible they were never at public school at all! Like my putative father, I've mentioned him before, he blagged his way into Sandhurst on the grounds of being at Charterhouse and Cambridge. Only thing was - he'd never been to either place! He also claimed to be an earl's son. He was a double bigamist and a traitor...I discovered 9 half-siblings on 4 continents. But it's necessary to look and to speak the part, otherwise he wouldn't be believed - and he was 'so handsome, so charming, so well-spoken'....

Reading of all your stories, I wonder that there are any good guys in the world. I've been incredibly lucky, am lucky to this day.

I do hope you manage to keep to your plans and not get diverted by this guy, Cath. Best wishes anyway

Aunty Margaret

notsobadone

heartbreaking...speaking as a bloke, I'm ashamed to hear how many cheating, deceiving, selfish, shameless, tight, fraudulent, bullying, evil men are out there making others miserable and claiming they are the hard-done ones. Cath...he's a wrong un...you got a lot more to lose than him, as will always be the case for a woman.



I'm going upstairs to kiss my kids, and try and make it up with my honey.


And i only came on this site to find a decent savings rate...end up nearly crying...

nicecuppatea_3

Course you're not all like this, Notsobadone, some of my best friends are blokes, lol! And it's comforting that, judging by all the replies you've had, Cath, there are a lot of really caring, compassionate people out there. Sadly though, as you said, there are some (though i suspect, not the women-and kids-cheated on) who'd actually admire such a 'stud' forgetting (or not caring about) the consequent trail of real destruction and misery they leave in their wake, and even blame the women victims. As I said, my experience left me a gibbering, six stone mental and physical wreck so a very dear friend took me (couldn't even go out on my own) for trauma counselling, all I was told, after all I'd suffered, was that I should apologise to the wife - as if I was the 'home-wrecking' guilty party - and this was from a professional - woman - counsellor! Yes, Panda, wouldn't it be a good idea to have a website: 'Name The B*****d Dot Com' - his next victim (there were many others, before and since-his wife (yes, I met her, several times, she was used to it) told me of a single mother of 5 whose teenage son committed suicide, so I got off lightly) was a mentally subnormal teenager (her father said she was 'slow' but he couldn't do anything about the relationship as she was over 18) who was also left deserted with a baby. How low can you get?? Wish I could end on an up note - anyone think of one? Oh, yes - Cath, I could send the lads round to 'sort the muppet aht' if he gives you any grief. Just say the word. That's an upnote!