Living together - financial arguments

zzzLazyDaisy

meanycath wrote:

I suppose I could ask some of my friends to babysit - it's difficult at nighttime. It means they have to leave their kids to look after mine and the friend that is coming round today wouldn't trust her husband to lo.

Depending on how old your son is, would it be possible to drop him off in his PJ's and pick him up on the way home? Or, even for both of you to stay over at your friend's and bring a bottle of wine in when you get back?

gremlin

Hi Cath


Ive come to this thread quite late but I have spent the past half hour reading through this and would like to say a couple of things to you.

First of all well done for being strong! Just look at how well you've managed so far. You are bringing up you're son, you've dealt with a marriage break up and managed to make a civil divorce. You work and are doing a college course. You identified that you need assertiveness coaching and organised it. You own your own home.

These are all achievements you should be proud of. I think you're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for and now you've stood up for yourself with a man who seems to be very very manipulitive and selfish.

I have read all of your posts and I have to agree with the consensus, this man is trouble. If you allow him, I think he will try to dominate you in every way possible. Stay strong. If you were my sister I would advise you to be well shot. Have you considered that he may be backing down to your demands just 'till he gets his feet under the table. I really feel he is agreeing to go your way just to bide his time and work you from the 'inside'. Please believe me that if you allow this man any leeway you may have to battle for every inch in the future. Is that what you want? Beleive me, I know what I'm talking about from experience.

Men like this are bullies. They will try to manipulate from any angle they can get. Does he try to make you feel guilty to get his own way? Does he claim that things that happen to him is always someone elses fault? Look at his history with women. Single mothers, vulnerable, with young children.

I would ask you please to do what I've just done. Go back and read through the posts, be objective as though it were someone else who was posting (like others have suggested before). What would you say to this woman? Look at your son, does he need any more stress in his life? Do YOU?

You are strong, and you have achieved so much. You should be with someone because you want to be, not because you dont want to be alone. You have earned that right and you deserve it.

maggie1976

Hello Cath,

I've just spent quite a while reading through this thread and all the great advice you've been given. I just wanted to put in my 2ps worth and say that it's been heartening to see how you have changed during the thread.

It is easy for me to sit here and say that it is better to be on your own than to be with the wrong person, but it truly is. If this man had been treating you badly physically, I would hope that you wouldn't have thought twice about ending the relationship. Mental abuse (and such a controlling man *is* abusing you) is every bit as damaging as physical abuse.

If he is telling you that he wouldn't continue the relationship if you don't agree to his demands, that tells me that he isn't serious about the relationship anyway. If he was, he would be trying his absolute best to show you that he is sincere and committed to your relationship and to your son.

I think getting him to move out and sort himself out financially is a great idea, and it buys you some breathing space and time to decide what you want from life, from a partner, and from the future father of your children.

I think you sound like a great lady who has her head screwed on right and the time on your own to figure out what you want and need could just be the making of you.

Good luck

Maggie xxx.

Curry_Queen

Hi Cath

Well done for standing up to him last night, that took a lot of guts and you did it, I'm proud of you :T

Margaret and gremlin have already said everything I was going to say, and in a much better way than I could, so I won't repeat it again

You might not feel it at the moment, but you are one incredibly strong woman Cath, and you wouldn't have got as far in life as you have if you weren't. You need to work on the confidence building and have faith in yourself but this will come in time, and you're making excellent progress, even in just the short space of time since you started this thread. Well done!!!

Rather than focussing on the negative side of being a single parent, why not see it as a liberation of your freedom. You will have full control over your life and finances, with no one to answer to or ask permission before going out or spending anything

You've already proved you've got your head screwed on the right way by owning your own home and living to a budget without incurring debt, so build on that and take credit for what you've already achieved

Are there any groups such as Gingerbread or Homestart in your area as they offer support, both practical and emotional, to single parents and often have planned activites so you can meet and socialise with other parents in the same boat. It might be worth looking into.

Another couple of sources of help for single parents here and here and not forgetting you have us lot here any time you need some support

Good luck and stay strong xxx

Luis

Cath,

Do me (and yourself!) a HUGE favour. Get hold of a copy of Susan Jeffers' 'Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway' and read it.

Than get rid of the BF out of your life for good.

Seriously - read the book.

READ IT!

Lots of love,

Luis x

culpepper

yay! Well done cath! Glad you were able to keep strong.
I know its really hard to stick up for yourself sometimes even when you know your right.
The BF sounds like he does come out with some BS sometimes
Officer at 16 ? Hmm!
The BF treating a 5 year old like he did was probably the main reason he was not feeling well in the first place.
My own OH is not a very 'kids' person so I took my kids to Badgers(st johns ambulance juniors),cubs,scouts,sea cadets ,Drama and swimming club over the years where there were plenty of men (and women) who were.My OH gets on much better with them now they are both over 13. He admits he wishes he was that sort of person but his own dad took very little interest in any of his 5 kids and so he hasnt had the role model himself .So not having a man living with you needn't affect your boy. (Most of these clubs are very cheap and they have camps ,outings and parties too).I wonder if any of the clubs near you have meetings on the evening you want to do your course.
I know its hard to make friends (im super shy) but they dont all need to be your age .We have lovely neighbours who would have babysat anytime when mine were young (mostly older ladies) .We keep watch on their houses when they go on holiday(plants,pets,making sure the post is not piling up at the letterbox etc, so it is a 2 way thing) and I used to be happy to fetch a little boy from school with my kids if needed and the favour would be returned.
Anyway very best of luck however things work out.

rchddap1

Curry_Queen wrote:

You've already proved you've got your head screwed on the right way by owning your own home and living to a budget without incurring debt, so build on that and take credit for what you've already achieved

And there are a lot of people around that are in better positions than and can't say the same. I could mention a friend of mine that is having a few 'difficulties' at the moment, but I'm working on that one.

You are a fighter Cath. If you weren't you would never have come on this board in the first place. Whenever you feel alone just think of the MSE family and what a bunch of nutters that you've joined :grouphug: And I'm proud to count myself among them.

We'll always be here for you whenever you need us.

pandas66

Hi Cath
Hope you had a nice day. I went on a couple of courses a few yeras ago, short ones with child care attached. The were run aimed at people getting back to work/career change. I got travelling expences, child care and a provision for lunch, enquire at the college. But also if your on any benefits all the evening/part time courses run during the day should be either free or reduced fee. I did an evening relaxation yoga class this year for 5 pounds. Friend did same course with me and had to pay the full fee of 26 pounds. Just to be doing something for me (how selfish ) was wonderful. (hehehehe)
If your young 'un is at nursery etc then you may have an oportunity for time then. I'll have a think of other things to help you.
I've been single for 3 years now and it gets better and better (selfish) I got the kids to where they know where they stand with me and OUR rules. Bed times, clothing allowances, after school activities etc. Best wishes to youxxxxx

elona

Cath

Under MoneySavingOldStyle

There is a new thread just started which has a link to the Lets scheme and another similar one - it could be what you need re babysitting :):)

Dimity

Well done Cath. i am so incredibly proud of you x

I have been reading this thread from the start and it has honestly made me so proud to be a woman (i am sure that 95% of people reading/posting are women).

I have just had a horrible, horrible day and it has made me feel so much better that people are so supportive & encouraging.

hang in there & think about you