Living together - financial arguments

swampytiggaa

it isn't normal cath - i know YOU have to decide for yourself but if you were a mate of mine [IRL] i would be telling you to ditch the user and enjoy your life with you and your son.

I have been a single parent - it has its limitations etc but i would rather do that than be with someone who didn't treat me and the babes right.....

rchddap1

In your situation I would say that it is perfectly normal. At the end of the day your bf isn't giving you the support that you need, and from the sounds of things is making it worse through how he treats your son.

However, it is one thing to say it is a normal human reaction, but quite another to say that you should feel that way if you get my meaning. You shouldn't be afraid of your bf (as that is what it sounds like). You shouldn't feel like you are single parent, when you are supposed to be in a loving caring relationship. You shouldn't have to calm things down when you come back home. You shouldn't have to be the one to tell off your son, but you should be able to rely on your bf to do what is right when necessary. Under no circumstances should you be told upon your return that your son has done this wrong, or that wrong and that you need to tell him off.

No child is a saint....all parents would worry if they were, because they woudl think that they are missing something. But to tell a child to stop being silly when they are crying. If a child cries then something has happened that matters deeply to the child. Telling them just to stop it isn't going to help at all.

You do deserve a partner that will support and help you. I just wonder whether your current bf will ever be able to do this.

pandas66

My Goodness I've missed a lot in 1 day!!!
A load of questions again spinning around in me old head. He's had a very busy (didn't mean productive life) in the Navy, fraud, prison, ex's and kids. How old is he ? He seems to have worked his magic on you, Mum works for him, step son works for him. He needs some better financial advice/planning if he's self employed and is receiving a salary of 16k but can employ 2 others. Is he/ parents the directors? How long ago was he convicted of fraud and then bankrupt. Cath please see what you could loose, you must be doing well yourself to afford your mortgage, mine is 26k, 2 kids and a dog and I love the idea of all months being like February with Januarys income.

Curry_Queen

meanycath wrote:

BF tried to intervene by telling my son to let him son have a go and my son had major tantrum and was in hysterics (I haven't seen him like that for years). He was shouting at my BF saying that he had hurt his feelings when he had laughed when he had lost the game. BF told him not to take it so seriously and stop being silly.

Oh Cath, putting all the financial stuff aside now, please think seriously how your son is being affected by all this. Just this snippet above tells me that he resents your BF, and possibly his children too, and there has to be very good reason for this. I think you're son is picking up on the fact that your BF basically doesn't give two hoots about him and this could cause severe emotional damage to him which will affect the rest of his life.

I don't mean to sound over dramatic but there's plenty of evidence to show that long-lasting emotional and mental damage can be done to young children that don't feel loved/accepted/valued/cared for etc by the adults meant to be caring for them, which will go on to affect their future relationships with partners/children as adults. It's obviously more complex than this but that's the basic gist of it, and there are more young people being treated for MH illness related to childhood experiences with broken homes/families etc than ever before.

You only have to look at how he treats his other step-child to see exactly what the future holds for your son in a relationship with this guy. Is this what you really want for your son?

Our kids are our most precious commodity and it is down to us to protect and nurture them the best we can. I know you probably think that surely your son would benefit more from a family unit than as a single parent, and I made that mistake for many years too, but if that family unit is damaging his emotional well-being then to be honest you'd be far better going it alone. It's not as hard as you might think

Sit down and talk to your son about his feelings and how he feels about your BF etc ... I forget how old he is now, but kids are fairly clued up even at a young age and he would probably welcome the chance to talk openly with you. This should help you come to the right decision

rchddap1

Nothing like an astute comment from a child. Sometimes we adults can be sitting there racking our brains for hours. Then a child comes across a problem, and solves it less than 3 seconds through a well phrased comment.

That aside...well said Curry_Queen.

meanycath

He was convicted of fraud about 20 years ago - he was in his early twenties.

He employs 3 full time staff, his mum and me (part time) and soon his step son. He 'chooses' to put all the profits back into the business and has only ever taken out enough money for him to survive.

I do worry about the affect he is having on my son. My son's father is the same - very indifferent towards him and it breaks my heart when my son has so much love to give. I know he loves my BF - he runs up to him and gives him a cuddle when he comes in the door. I also know (despite what he may say) that he doesn't feel the same way. In fact although I know he loves his own children very much that when it comes to day to day dealings - he's not very interested. His son recently broke his arm and I asked BF if he wanted to be with his son - he said no, his ex is good at dealing with things like that, he can think of better ways to spend his time than sitting in hospitals.

rchddap1

Its very honourable that your bf is chosing to grow his business. And many of us have had problems in the past. We all do our time so to speak and move on. However, I don't think that money or finance are the real issues here. This isn't the real problem.

Its very sweet that your son cares about your bf. In fact if your bf chose to take a better role it sounds like your son would accept it immediately. As you said the problem is that your bf isn't interested.

One further question or scenario for you to think about. What if you did have a child with your bf. And this child became ill. Perhaps they had to go to hospital on a regular basis for operations. And your bf said that he can think of better ways to spend his time that to bother going to hospital with his child. How would that make you feel? Personally I would be livid.

Then think, if he wouldn't go to hospital for his own child, what would he do for your son?

pandas66

I'm going to be heartless now. Just what kind of advice do you want Cathy. With all the posts of how bad he is and of how bad financially it would be if he moved in, of how he is to your son and his own kids. Of how he treats your home now and how he'd like the profits from that, his business must be in a reasonable state (can't remember, sorry, of what it is he does) to employ so many (I'm a book keeper, so I know roughly of turn over/IR/profits)
Its clear you think the worst of him. Its clear he's no catch (from1 to another) Take advice when offered and act on it. Your clearly intellegent and have posted some great stats and have a mortgage etc, but I am so at a loss to know what YOU want?

margaretclare

Cath, I agree with everyone else - this gets worse and worse. So he's quite a bit older than you - in his early 40s perhaps? Did 'time' for identity fraud when young?? He sounds very much like my putative father...who was also an accomplished blagger as well as many other things of the unsavoury variety, although as my half-sister puts it 'he was so handsome, so charming, so well-spoken, such a gentleman'.

By contrast, I am a peasant. On my mother's side I come from a long line of peasants - honest hard-working unpretentious country people. I am a well-educated peasant, ex-grammar school plus a good honours degree gained in my mid-40s at a 'peasant' institution, a Polytechnic. I also have professional qualifications - am a peasant ex-midwife and former midwife teacher and manager. My husband is third generation immigrant from Eastern Europe, so I guess that makes him a peasant too. For a family of peasants, we haven't done too badly. We're solvent, still saving although retired, we're comfortable, not rich but a long way off being poor.

Grrrr!

Aunty Margaret

meanycath

I suppose I just want re-assurance that it’s not me and that his behaviour is not normal. I’ve accepted things for so long now. It’s amazing I am actually questioning his behaviour and our relationship. I have been going to assertiveness classes and it has helped me to think differently and made me realise that I do have rights.

However, I obviously have a way to go. There is always a doubt in my mind – I always wonder “perhaps I’m doing something wrong”.

I suppose at the end of the day I just have to accept my own feelings and go with them – it doesn’t matter if they’re right or wrong in somebody else’s eyes – it’s what right for me and for my son.

This board has been brilliant and has given me lots and lots of moral support and for that I am very grateful and I totally understand if my whingeing is wearing a bit thin now.

I think it’s time to stop thinking and time to start doing. I intend to speak to my BF tonight and to tell him that I am not prepared to live with him and explain why. This is the first step and will be the first time I’ve ever stood up to him on anything important.