Living together - financial arguments

jellyhead

sorry, i'm being flippant, but in what way does he define a peasant? he hasn't been to uni and he only earns 16 thousand a year, he's homeless etc. etc. so in my book a private education hasn't actually improved his life much, in comparison hubby and i are graduates and hubby earns a graduate wage (a low one admittedly lol!) yet we both come from grotty council estates and went to school with other peasants such as ourselves. sorry, it just made me giggle. my aunt was married to someone who thought the same, he'd been to a private school and thought he was a cut above her family yet he never earned enough to fund his non-peasant lifestyle and they were considerably poorer than her peasant relatives. my sisters neighbour also went to private school and looks down on her neighbours but she didn't go to uni either and has been on IS all her life with her kids and heroin addict bf in a council house. i don't quite see how going to a private school makes a person a non-peasant if as an adult they can't fund a non-peasant lifestyle, but this is off topic lol! but really, if he can't afford the lifestyle he wants then he'll have to change his views on life and lifestyle methinks. maybe he will once he's living with you and sees how much things cost.

if he earns 16 thousand and presumably you earn less than 8 thousand can you still get tax credits together? i think 24 is a rough threshold over which the child element and childcare elements vanish. entitledto will tell you, maybe even after adding together your incomes you'll still get some help towards bringing up your son.

you're obviuosly unsure about taking the step of moving in together, how about telling him you want the divorces sorted out first, that way you get your legal aid, with his financial outlook on things he should see the sense in that. that way you get time to think and to get a clearer picture of how things will be, how committed he is to the idea of family, can think about how much you'd want another child and how you'd fund it, etc. incidentally how often does he look after his kids, if it's every week is he getting a seventh knocked off his maintenance costs by the CSA? some breathing space will also let you gradually see how much you do or don't want this relationship to work - you're panicky now but in time you might decide that we're all a bunch of heartless meanies and that being with him is more important than loss of money or independence.

meanycath

I just want to point out that I don't agree with his attitude about "peasants" at all.

My mother had a private education and left school at 16 without exams. My father went to state school and had a phd by the time he was 21 and he was brought up by only his mum (his dad died) and then later his step dad who treated him as his own.

I went to state school and left at 16 with average grades. I have the opposite problem to my BF. He thinks he is better than most people. I think that most people are better than me! But that's just a self esteem problem isn't it?

swampytiggaa

just a quickie - we have three children. The eldest is mine from a previous relationship [she has no contact with her father at all] and she was 3 when i met hubs.

he tells everyone that HE has 3 children - and he loves all three of them equally. Personally i wouldn't have been happy with any less

good luck with whatever you decide.....

meanycath

BF also tells people that he has 3 children (including his step son) or depending on who he is talking to he will also include an ex GF's 30 year old daughter.

But then he has never financially supported any child that isn't his own and there hasn't been a lot of emtional support. So saying that he has X amount of children is different to actually having x amount of children.

I've also checked on "entitled to" and no, we wouldn't be entitled to any tax credits except the basic amount per week. I can understand why low income couples feel aggreived at single parents!

culpepper

same here cath.
I left at 16 with average grades and went straight into a job as a junior.
OH went to private school and left at 16 to work in a shop(as did 3 oth his 4 siblings).
By 21 I was on good wages while OH was still working in a shop ,I had training during those 5 years and he could work a cash register.
My Inlaws were what I term the down-and -out rich....
They had been living as well off because they relied on their parents(money) and so were left in huge debt once the parents were no longer around.
My parents lived in a council flat and when dad died there was £100 in the bank.

Some of the most well spoken people I have known have been absolute s***s and some of the 'peasants' I have known and worked with have been the most genuine ,good hearted people(I know which I would rather be classed amongst).

swampytiggaa

meanycath wrote:

BF also tells people that he has 3 children (including his step son) or depending on who he is talking to he will also include an ex GF's 30 year old daughter.

But then he has never financially supported any child that isn't his own and there hasn't been a lot of emtional support. So saying that he has X amount of children is different to actually having x amount of children.

I've also checked on "entitled to" and no, we wouldn't be entitled to any tax credits except the basic amount per week. I can understand why low income couples feel aggreived at single parents!

see - my hubs financially and emotionally supports MY daughter - in fact at christmas we realised that she had done rather better than the other 2 put together :rotfl: but think that is an age thing really. It depends on you totally - the impression i get is that you aren't happy with the idea of him moving in but you are not sure of where to go from here - ie do you do a clean break or suggest that you delay moving in for a while?

good luck anyway xx

rchddap1

So he won't financially support any child that is not his own, ie, your son. But would he punish or reward the child if he thought they were doing something bad / good. Would he tell you that he thinks that your son should go to this school, or join this club? I think that this is a big problem for you and your son. It isn't a question of finance any more, or who can afford what. It is a question of becoming a 'family'. In this case it sounds like whatever you do a real family will never be the end result. If he won't consider your son, his also there willl always be an element of disjointedness if you understand.

If this is to be a real family then he has to accept your son as his. He has to both financially and emotionally help to support your son. If you son goes to University any financial grants etc...will include your bf's salary / finances (assuming you are still together at that point). Your benefits are calculated as if your bf is a part of the family and will help to support your son. What will your son do if you are not around to help him and your bf won't help him, if he gets into a sticky spot? Will your bf tell off your son, or simply pass over it and let you deal with it? Will he encourage your son to do things without considering whether it is appropriate or safe for him to do that thing?

I don't think that its money that you are actually worrying about. You are concerned about the actions of your bf and more specifically the effects on your son.

Spendless

meanycath wrote:

I've also checked on "entitled to" and no, we wouldn't be entitled to any tax credits except the basic amount per week. I can understand why low income couples feel aggreived at single parents!

LOL - Did you also check entitlement if you were to have another child as a 2nd child doesn't always make a difference once the first year is up (you get an additional £545 for 1st year of babies life- is called the baby element) you still get same amount as for one.

If you wish to remain in a relationship with this man then why not ask him to make his own living arrangements (whether that be flat-share, trying to get on with mum or whatever) at least whilst your divorce comes through, and while you have a think about what you want.

If you then want to live together, then all the money should be going in the household pot. If he wants pub money he get x amount of pocket money each week (you could do the same for yourself), if he blows it first night - too bad. Work out an arrangement that you are both comfortable with in the event of a split.

If you remain together, then when his parents die and he inherits his part that should be yours as a couple to save or spend on what you want (new house together/holiday etc). Make a will that covers each eventuality and covers what happens and what you want the children to have.

Good Luck- let us know what you decide
x

jellyhead

aww cath, nobody is 'better than you' - there's more to life than money, qualifications, etc.

i think you're doing really well to support your son and keep the house etc. - you're working, you're not spiralling into debt - why should anyone look down on you? i've had people laugh at me for working in mcdonalds but i really don't care - it's better than being on the dole IMO and i could work full time in a graduate job if i wanted to use full time childcare, it's my choice not to. i'm doing what works best for my family, as are you, that's something to be proud of, so many people are unhappy with the stress of working too hard, not getting on with family, etc. and i reckon i've got life exactly right, hubby and i both know what suits us and we agree on it, we're all secure and happy as larry (if a bit poor lol!) and i can't see that anyone who looks down on me is actually happy so i take their opinions with a pinch of salt. besides which i got a first, they didn't :rotfl:

meanycath

The only time my BF has disciplined my son in nearly 3 years is once when my son was showing off and accidentally hit his son in the face, (BF swore and shouted at my son) and on the few occasions he has been left in charge of him on his own. I was told on my return that I need to talk to my son as he is not putting up with that again. (My son refused to do as my BF asked him - ie. go to bed). And this morning, when my son was playing the nintendo with my BF's son and I refused to "supervise" as I was working. BF tried to intervene by telling my son to let him son have a go and my son had major tantrum and was in hysterics (I haven't seen him like that for years). He was shouting at my BF saying that he had hurt his feelings when he had laughed when he had lost the game. BF told him not to take it so seriously and stop being silly.

I had to intervene (again) and calm the situation down. I have tried telling my BF that if refuses to discipline my son and take some responsibility when I'm around there is no surprise that my son 'plays him up' when I'm not around.

Now don't get me wrong my son is not a saint, he gets easily frustrated and sometimes would try the patience of a saint, he also gets over excited and can be a loud and boisterous but he is by no means a bad boy either. He gets on well at school and the holiday club he goes to. He has friends at school and is generally well liked and well behaved. He is polite and well mannered and likes to have structure in his life.

Even with my BF around, I do feel like a single parent and can't ever imagine that feeling going away. I feel like I have so much responsibility sometimes and all I ask is for someone to support me.

I had a car accident a few months ago (not very serious) and I spent 4 hours plucking up the courage to phone my BF and tell him. I was worried he would tell me that he was busy and he couldn't speak to me (as he does most times if I ever phone him during the day). I couldn't bear the thought that he wouldn't listen to me when I was upset. As it was, he wasn't around, so I left a message and he phoned me back. But this isn't normal to feel like this is it?