Living together - financial arguments

MrsMW

Cath, I'm so sorry that you are feeling low, I haven't put my two penn'orth in to the discussion but I am sure that you are doing the right thing. You have to trust your gut feelings and in the long run I'm sure that you will find that you have done the right thing for you and your son. You seem to be doing a great job as a mum and I wish you all the best luck for the future.

jellyhead

cath, no matter what we all discuss about your bf it's obvious that he's not making you feel happy and that's the real problem - if he made you feel that he loved you (and your son) with all his heart and would never dream of cheating on you, letting you down, etc. then you might feel differently about him. this much uncertainty and unhappiness before you've even moved in together does not bode well for the future. if you decide to break up with bf you will be okay without him. if you're worried that your son will miss male company are there any male friends or relatives you have that could visit and play football or playstation, etc. with your son? it sounds as if the bf has been playing more of a friend role than a dad role anyhow, so although your son might want to have a man around it needn't be bf. when i was a single mum i kept in touch with my male friends from uni and they visited and made sure they paid attention to spud, he's also very close to one of my brothers. do you live near your parents - could grandad give him some extra attention? it sounds as if your ex hasn't been a good dad, i felt so sad for your boy reading about him being so stressed, people are always telling me i should be grateful that the waste of space drug addict who fathered spud is completely out of the picture - that no dad is better than a useless one - but it took some time before i realised that and came to the conclusion that spud's lucky his dad doesn't want to make the effort to keep in touch. you've had to deal with all of that too, not just your son and it must have been awful. personally i think that even if your son was attention seeking with illness etc. he was only reacting to stress and should have been given a bit of pampering by your bf. if you're going to move in with a man it has to be one who'll make you feel secure, not insecure :-( i wish i could give your little boy a huge hug! but i think in the long term you will be better off if you follow your instincts and don't let bf move in while you're feeling so unsure. best of luck, and keep posting, we're all thinking of you.

elona

Just noticed - it is surprising how he now has £450 a week that he would graciously allow you to handle- could you ever really believe anything he said?

margaretclare

Oh Cath. I'm glad you stood up to this guy and made your wishes and your position very clear. I bet it was the biggest shock he's had in many a long day! Guys like this aren't used to someone saying 'no' to them.

Again the stuff about inheriting his parents' bungalow. If I had a son who 'expected' to inherit this bungalow I would make a will and tie it up so tightly that he would never get near it. I would use it as an asset for my own comfort during my lifetime and then I would leave it to my favourite charity.

My kids have had ear infections, and I also used to get them in my childhood - earache is one of the worst pains there is. To speak to a child suffering earache like that is totally indefensible - on that ground alone he'd have been out the door quicker than that. How dare he???

I'm glad you're going to assertiveness classes. Keep on going! You've probably learned already - assertiveness is not aggressiveness. Being assertive doesn't mean rows, screaming and violence. I have a friend who was always being manipulated by selfish and demanding in-laws. When M-I-L phoned and demanded she take her out shopping or whatever, my friend learned to say in answer to 'Can you....?' 'No, I can't.' 'Why not?' 'It's not convenient - I have somewhere else to go'. No need to justify, to explain, to go on the defensive. Just 'It's not convenient for me to do what you want to do'.

Similarly with your situation, you said 'It's not in my best interests or those of my son'. That's the bottom line, your decision. It doesn't matter how he argues, pleads and wriggles - of course it's an unusual feeling for someone to stand up to him, someone that he thought he could manipulate. He's just gotta get used to it and to deal with it!!!

Your problem of self-esteem...you need some experience of success. Now, I know you're a busy lady, but I would suggest you look at your local adult college and see what's on offer. Try to do something that will give you a positive buzz, something you always wanted to do, whether it's learning a language, maths, or something practical like cross-stitch or tapestry. Doesn't matter what it is - the feeling you get is like no other, when you actually achieve something for yourself, no matter how small.

Best wishes

Aunty Margaret

Js_Other_Half

You say you've only had 2 serious relationships - with your bf, and with the father of your son. Your first relationship doesn't seem to have been very positive? Once you are in a good relationship you KNOW it is good - you are treated with respect and valued as a person.

Assertiveness classes are a fabulous first step to take, but please think hard about why you jumped from one relationship to another.

Good luck whatever you decide.

margaretclare

Js_Other_Half wrote:

You say you've only had 2 serious relationships - with your bf, and with the father of your son. Your first relationship doesn't seem to have been very positive? Once you are in a good relationship you KNOW it is good - you are treated with respect and valued as a person.

Assertiveness classes are a fabulous first step to take, but please think hard about why you jumped from one relationship to another.

I think the reason for this has been discussed further back in the thread, and it's not so unusual. Cath has a problem of self-esteem. In the past women were made to feel that they 'didn't exist' as a worthwhile person unless there was some man in the picture, and maybe this idea is still hovering around subliminally.

I have talked to 'battered wives' who went from one abusive relationship to another. You would think they'd learn the first time, but some of them said that it followed on from watching their parents and they thought that when dad came home from the pub and knocked mum about, he was being 'manly'. Others said that it meant he was giving them some attention, if he felt jealous and possessive that was evidence of his 'love'. These women started out with problems of self-esteem big time!!

Mind you, some of us have been incredibly lucky. I spent 24 hours in a Travelodge with my present husband back in 1997. Although we were 62, I took a terrible risk, he could have turned out to be an absolute monster...and then when I invited him to move in with me, it could have turned out badly. I've been so, so lucky. And how did I know? Well, I didn't, of course.

I have a friend who shared a house with an older guy for a few short months. We met them, it all seemed really happy, he was charming, well-educated, worldly-wise, had had a good career, nice to talk to....but behind everyone's backs and alone with her, he was manipulative, controlling, jealous, given to sulks when her kids phoned. She kicked him into touch pretty quick - luckily she'd learned assertiveness by then!

Aunty Margaret

meanycath

Hi all,

I'm feeling a bit better now. It doesn't help that I work mainly from home and sometimes it's a struggle to find someone to have a conversation with - I do feel lonely and probably rely on my BF to relieve that. I've got one of my son's friends coming round this afternoon with her Mum, so that will be some company for me.

As for male role models for my son - I have a very small family. The only male in my family is my 71 year old Uncle who has never married and never had children. He's lovely and was the closest thing I had as a child to a father. I don't seem to have any male friends and the husbands of my female friends aren't the sort to be giving support to someone elses kids. But I will work on that. My son goes to Beavers and the leader is male - so that's a start isn't it?

I think the idea of a college course is good. I have actually signed up for a "where are you going with your life" type course that is run by the same woman that ran the assertiveness class and I have also agreed to go to a confidence building class. Unfortunately, I can't afford to go to both as I can't pay for 2 nights babysitting now. I think a course where I could learn a skill would help me a lot. My life is just about work (very boring admin and accounts that I've been doing for years), housework and childcare and although all those things have good points - I think I need to do something for me. I find making friends difficult as I'm quiet and shy and I sometimes get fed up that I'm always the one inviting people for cups of tea or inviting their children back after school and it only very rarely gets reciprocated.

I think the difficult thing for me is when BF tries to tell me that I'm being unreasonable. I think he's picking up on the vibe that deep down I think if there's a problem, then it must be my fault. "If I only agreed to this everything would be fine", "I'm always the one that upsets the apple cart", "It's always me that's the miserable one" etc. etc.

I have to keep thinking about what I want long term.... and be positive.

Thanks.

elona

Well done for being strong.

I have a feeling that if anyone actually investigated BF's past - through newspaper reports etc - I wonder how much of what he told you is true!

He says he has had a successful life - all "A"s in education - Officer material etc.- So why did they not keep him on?

I have a gut feeling that they got wise to him.

Now so have you.

Have you actually got rid of all his stuff so he has no excuse to come back?

Be prepared for a "charm offensive" - flowers - chocs - offers of dinner etc.

As regards classes - could you talk to teacher and see if anyone else has same problem - maybe one of you could have another child at your home for one night and then swop over or something.

There may be something like a token scheme where one person swops services with another i.e ironing for babysitting or typing. I think it was called Letts but has different names in different areas.

rchddap1

There is nothing unreasonable about whating to do what is best for yourself and your child. What is unreasonable about wanting your partner to help your son, rather than shout and swear at him? What is unreasonable about wanting someone who shares things with you and doesn't start to partition everything off into 'his' and 'hers'?

You say that you have one of your son's friends round today. WHy don't you ask their Mum if they can take care of the little chap while you are at college? Its one of those situations where if you don't ask you don't get.

meanycath

I've given him to the end of the month to leave and get himself sorted. At first I thought I was being a bit harsh - it's only 2 weeks away but then I realised that it took me less than a month to move me, my son and all our stuff into a rented house I had found and sorted.

Apparently he left the navy as he was fed up with it and wanted to do something different.

I suppose I could ask some of my friends to babysit - it's difficult at nighttime. It means they have to leave their kids to look after mine and the friend that is coming round today wouldn't trust her husband to look after her cat let alone their daughter but that's another story!

I really like the idea of swapping services - I'd gladly do someones ironing if I got some good, safe, free babysitting. I did have a look on the internet once but there was nothing in my area. Where I live is a bit remote. If anyone knows of anything, please let me know.

As for talking to the college tutor, unfortunately college is 25 miles away so I doubt if anyone else lives in my area but I will ask.