Unfair or not?

peachyprice

1940sGal wrote: »

But she hasn't! She's clearly stated that up to this point the children HAVE been treated fairly.

Yes, so fairly that the eldest never wants to live with her again.

This is a highly dysfunctional family, normal rules do not apply.

Amanda65

I haven't read the whole thread (sorry - just read the Christmas one) so apologise if I am repeating what others have said but tbh I think what you are telling your two older children is that you and your partner don't consider them to be a part of the family unit of your 'new' family. You say that your children do not get on with their stepfather - sad as he presumably has been part of their lives for at least 10 years and they haven't been teenagers all this time. It was your job as their mother to make sure that you and he sang from the same hymn sheet with regard to bringing them up and it seems as though this hasn't happened.

I feel very sorry for your two older children, who you are portraying as spoilt brats when in fact they are obviously just very unhappy that. for important things like a family holiday, they are not considered family! I do not know (nor want to know) the reason you split up with their father but as a mother of 3 I cannot understand why you would treat your children differently? It is almost as though you are punishing them for not being your husbands children - which they had no say in!

meer53

Tinks32 wrote: »

The options will be available to all of them:)
It was a whole family idea, she moved (or rather ran away) from home because she would not meet the boundaries we made for her. She was hanging around with a bad crowd and a mother of one of the girls offered her a place to stay. This mother had no problem with letting kids of 14 years upwards drink, take drugs and have sex at her house. The mother is an alcoholic and is known to police and social services. We managed to make my daughter see that this was not a healthy environment to be in and managed to enrol her in a youth scheme in London (to get her away from this gang). The flat is a family owned one, next door to our home, and my mother lives next door! so she will not be independent as such! She is adamant that she does not want to come and live with us again.

Just read the original post again, The OP says that the kids aren't bad kids, just normal growing up issues.

Well, i don't know whether it's just me, but what she's described above isn't normal as far as i'm concerned. I know how annoying and rude teenagers can be, i've had one and am about to have another. If my daughter had the same issues, the last thing i would do would be to move her into a flat on her own. It doesn't really matter whether it was next door or not. It's like saying " go, and take your problems with you, i've had enough" Not something i could ever do.

The OP hasn't mentioned her husbands relationship with her eldest children very much, i wonder how much of this is to do with him ?

1940sGal

peachyprice wrote: »

Yes, so fairly that the eldest never wants to live with her again.

This is a highly dysfunctional family, normal rules do not apply.

Have you actually read what the OP has written in all her posts? It's far more to do with teenage behaviour than anything the OP has or has not done.

BLUEBIE

1940sGal wrote: »

She's being given a flat of her own to live in, she's had a course paid for in London. She's been treated to a holiday in the canary islands recently but because she can't go on this one holiday she's treating her mother like she's the worse parent in the world.

I think i'd be pretty chuffed if my mother did for me what the OP has said she's done for her daughter. Everyone's assuming the OP is being a bad parent and are not even entertaining the idea that the children are partly to blame.

At 16 she is more than old enough to take responsibility for her actions. The 13 year old is also getting to that stage. But everyone's still ignoring what the OP has said in that she has always treated them fairly.

So why don't you ask her why the sudden change? Why not think that there may be something more to it?

If you look at one of the ifrst posts by the OP she states that the course in lLondon was free, accommodation, food the lot and seemed quite pleased that she wouldn't see her for such a long spell.

My DD is 13 and would be devastated, and I really mean that! This is something that would stay with her forever - so not worth it in my opinion. And believe me I have made mistakes and have tried to learn from the advice given.

BLUEBIE

Also this is a girl who needs her mother, I'm guessing the hols to the canary islands weren't with her mum and whole family? So maybe she still feels like she has missed out? I don't know but I do feel for the eldest two ?

peachyprice

1940sGal wrote: »

Have you actually read what the OP has written in all her posts? It's far more to do with teenage behaviour than anything the OP has or has not done.

Are you having a laugh!

Yes, I have read exactly what OP has written and I can tell you that it is not normal teenage behaviour for girl brought up in a loving, functioning family to run away from home at and get involved with gangs, drugs and sex. It is also not normal teenage behaviour for a 16yo to say she never wants to live with her mother again.

These are the actions of a troubled teenager. Why she is troubled, only the OP knows.

1940sGal

BLUEBIE wrote: »

If you look at one of the ifrst posts by the OP she states that the course in lLondon was free, accommodation, food the lot and seemed quite pleased that she wouldn't see her for such a long spell.

My DD is 13 and would be devastated, and I really mean that! This is something that would stay with her forever - so not worth it in my opinion. And believe me I have made mistakes and have tried to learn from the advice given.

The only post I can see by the OP where she mentions the course is #51 where she states:

Tinks32 wrote: »

The children have all been treated the same up until now! Xmas presents and holidays. The 16 year old had 2 weeks away in the Canary islands last month and has been on a training course up in London this month that has been financially draining! she is also moving into a flat of ours rent/bill free.

Where did she state that it was free? She said the flat was rent free. Not the course.

BLUEBIE

I can't / don't know how to post links to previous threads but if you look at the other threads started by the OP it is there.

1940sGal

peachyprice wrote: »

Are you having a laugh!

Yes, I have read exactly what OP has written and I can tell you that it is not normal teenage behaviour for girl brought up in a loving, functioning family to run away from home at and get involved with gangs, drugs and sex. It is also not normal teenage behaviour for a 16yo to say she never wants to live with her mother again.

These are the actions of a troubled teenager. Why she is troubled, only the OP knows.

I think you'll find that actually some teenagers do behave like this even when they come from a loving family environment. In fact i've seen plenty of teenagers who are spoilt rotten in life but who still go off the rails. A safe, loving family environment will not always guarantee that the child grows up to be perfectly well behaved. There are many factors which lead to derailment, one of which is the family, but there are many more.