Unfair or not?

1940sGal

meer53 wrote: »

Can i assume that you don't have children ?

Does one have to have children to know how children behave?

To answer, no i don't. It still doesn't make me any less qualified to talk about them. I've known plenty. I've grown up with plenty (and i do mean plenty) of younger cousins so whether I have children or not myself doesn't mean I don't know how teenagers behave.

Saturnalia

Were the eldest 2 screeching "unfair!" when they got their holidays with their father that the youngest didn't get? Or is it only now they're not the ones being treated while the youngest gets nowt that they think they've got the bum end of the deal?

meer53

1940sGal wrote: »

Does one have to have children to know how children behave?

To answer, no i don't. It still doesn't make me any less qualified to talk about them. I've known plenty. I've grown up with plenty (and i do mean plenty) of younger cousins so whether I have children or not myself doesn't mean I don't know how teenagers behave.

You don't have to have had children to understand how children behave.

But when you have children and also have to deal with a relationship breakdown, and the fallout that ensues when a new family is involved, you tend to look at things in an entirely different way.

Making sure that all the children feel secure and involved in the family is paramount. From what the OP has posted, this doesn't seem to be happening in her case, which won't be helping her 16 year old at all.

aliasojo

My eldest 2 are not my OH's but my 12 year old is. There's 10 years difference between the youngest and the next one up.

The eldest 2 have gone away with their Dad several times in the past, including abroad so have been away many more times than their sister.

All that said, we are a family unit (or at least we were until one of them left home) and I would not even have considered organising a family break where only half the family were invited. Sorry OP but I think you were wrong.

FunWithFlags

Saturnalia wrote: »

Were the eldest 2 screeching "unfair!" when they got their holidays with their father that the youngest didn't get? Or is it only now they're not the ones being treated while the youngest gets nowt that they think they've got the bum end of the deal?

That's a bit of a redundant point because it isn't unfair that their own dad invited them on holiday and didn't invite the youngest who he is not related to.

katepnlo

Hmm my initial thought was what a mean thing to do. After you added more info I would say I have wavered a little.

First thought was you should treat them all the same. We have a similar set up here. All kids are treated the same. full stop. Regardless of what the absent parents gives them.
That is up to them. It doesn't influence what we give them.
I read your post and thought much flaming would be the response.

After hearing about the 16 year old my thoughts change.
If she is a brat child, who now lives in a flat and not in the family home and refuses to be part of the family unit as she can't stand you both...then to me that says she wants to be all grown up and live on her own....then why would you take her?
I moved out at 16 and never once went on a holiday with my parents again. Nor did I expect to.

As for the 13 year old...I still think the same, child should be going with you. I think that is mean you won't take her/him. I wouldn't do that to any of my gang. At that age with hormones running wild I would tend to think that could mess up his/her head.

To add, I have 6 children here. I LOVE having child free time. I value every minute of it!! When I get a weekend off when they all go to the 'other' parents I am smiling at the door. BUT I miss them come Sunday and I would never go on holiday without them.

[Deleted User]

I have the other side of this one - I am the step mum to a 14 year old boy, he has a half brother (7 years old) from his mum and step dad. Due to various things, SS stays with us 2 full weekends out of 4. He has holidays with us every year, although this year we could not afford to go on holiday, he still came to us for a week and did day trips and silly things all week. He has also stayed a week with his uncle and aunt from his dads side, as they don't get to see him much. We try to have extra where possible as well.
So this year, his mum is telling him he can't go away with them and his half brother, as he's had too many holidays!! He's devastated! He's as much part of their family as he is ours and to exclude him from a holiday is heart breaking for him - after all, it's not his fault his parents don't live togther anymore. Having seen the impact this behaviour (and it's not the first time she's done this this year) has on SS, I would never exclude him from a holiday because he has breaks with other people - family or not.

1940sGal

meer53 wrote: »

Making sure that all the children feel secure and involved in the family is paramount. From what the OP has posted, this doesn't seem to be happening in her case, which won't be helping her 16 year old at all.

To be fair she stated that the children had all been treated fairly, which to me suggests that they have been made to feel secure and involved. It's just this single incident which is raising concerns. There's nothing to suggest the children have been treated unfairly or wrongly at any point before this which is what leads me to question the children's behaviour now.

thelittlestranger

I hope no one minds me putting my two pence in...

I am 21 and my parents are split. I see my dad but don't have a great relationship with him. This year he took his girlfriend and her youngest daughter to New York for a week. Neither me, or my two sisters, got an invite. Neither did the oldest daughter of my dad's girlfriend.

Now my dad took me for my 18th to NYC. But I have since realised that this may have been an escape as he wanted to get a divorce from his previous wife at the time and really didn't say much. He expected me to pay half a lot of the time, despite me still being in education.

The thing is, my youngest sister who turns 18 this year, will not be going to NYC for her birthday due to the 'time of year.' This to me is ridiculous and I won't forigve him for this. So to the OP, whilst I don't know you well enough to judge you a 'bad mother' I honestly think you need to think about how this will affect your relationships for the future.

meer53

1940sGal wrote: »

To be fair she stated that the children had all been treated fairly, which to me suggests that they have been made to feel secure and involved. It's just this single incident which is raising concerns. There's nothing to suggest the children have been treated unfairly or wrongly at any point before this which is what leads me to question the children's behaviour now.

I think that there are a lot of things which we don't know about which could cause concerns for the OP. I think this issue is the tip of the iceberg.

16 year olds who feel secure and involved tend not to want to live apart from their Mum. Wonder what has caused her to feel this way ? I'm pretty sure it's not just because of the holiday issue.