Unfair or not?

lostinrates

jascrawf wrote: »

I just feel it's unfair of people to judge and act like they've never made a mistake in their lives. If someone asks for advice, then even if our opinion is contrary to what they want to hear, is it necessary to call somebody a bad mother? Don't people realise the effect that can have? It seems that so many people would rather rip someone apart and share their negative opinions than help someone or give advice. What's wrong with a bit of kindness? Does it make you the better person to be so cruel? Generic you, not you.

Fwiw, i have made PLENTY of mistakes. Often i wish some one had said......you are making a mistake, in time to rectify it or mitigate damage and in terms forceful enough to make me listen.

However, i agree some of the replies are harsh. However, op has asked a frank question and is getting some good answers. She also speaks of having little frame of reference for good parenting, and now she is getting a frame of reference. As a non parent i cannot say how valid my opinion on it is, as some one who was a child in the position of her youngest I can say i think she should reconsider.

I hope some of the replies are helpful to her.

I do think though, its difficult to tear strips off peoe for tearing stirps off people! To point out the damage of calling someone something like bad mother is a better way to get people to stop and listen imo.


op, have any of the posts given you a new vantage or given pause for thought?

jascrawf

jayII wrote: »

She clearly said the decision was made and asked for opinions on whether she is a bad mother. She did not ask for not advice and support as the decision was already made, children told and the damage done. She also said she sees two weeks where her older children are excluded as bliss???!!!

She only really got what she asked for, maybe she should have asked more carefully...

If she had said she was considering doing this, or had decided but was wavering and wanted advice or support, I am sure the responses would have been different.

Right, so because someone words something wrong, it gives people the green light to judge and share their negativity?

And yes, I can imagine how a break from 2 teenagers can be considered as bliss. I'm sure a lot of parents with awkward teenagers (like I was) would feel the same, especially if the said teenagers were involved with bad crowds, alcohol or worse.

meer53

jascrawf wrote: »

I just feel it's unfair of people to judge and act like they've never made a mistake in their lives. If someone asks for advice, then even if our opinion is contrary to what they want to hear, is it necessary to call somebody a bad mother? Don't people realise the effect that can have? It seems that so many people would rather rip someone apart and share their negative opinions than help someone or give advice. What's wrong with a bit of kindness? Does it make you the better person to be so cruel? Generic you, not you.

The OP asked for opinions as to whether she was a bad mother. People replied accordingly. If you only want people to say "of course you're not" then you're an idiot for asking the question in the first place.

The majority of replies say that what the OP is doing is a bad idea. I hope she takes on board some of the replies stating personal experiences that have been posted about similar situations.

Rather than going away without her eldest children, in my opinion, she should be trying to spend more time with them as there are obviously serious issues which need to be resolved. Going away isn't going to help.

System

Let me tell you something. If you treat your children differently the children you havent 'favoured' will resent you and resent the children you have.



If that makes sense.

Tinks32

lostinrates wrote: »

Fwiw, i have made PLENTY of mistakes. Often i wish some one had said......you are making a mistake, in time to rectify it or mitigate damage and in terms forceful enough to make me listen.

However, i agree some of the replies are harsh. However, op has asked a frank question and is getting some good answers. She also speaks of having little frame of reference for good parenting, and now she is getting a frame of reference. As a non parent i cannot say how valid my opinion on it is, as some one who was a child in the position of her youngest I can say i think she should reconsider.

I hope some of the replies are helpful to her.

I do think though, its difficult to tear strips off peoe for tearing stirps off people! To point out the damage of calling someone something like bad mother is a better way to get people to stop and listen imo.


op, have any of the posts given you a new vantage or given pause for thought?

I will let you know once I am well and rested from my holidays:rotfl:!
I can see every bodies point of view... i did really ask for it:) but I am thick skinned and all I want is my children to turn into half way decent adults who hopefully won't have to come on a forum to ask advice. But I am grateful to all of you, and if I had time and the forum had more space I would write a book so you would know my life story:)

meer53

1940sGal wrote: »

So, the children have been treated fairly up to this point and, the 16 year old at least, has refused to behave or stick to boundaries that were quite rightly set by her mother and step father.

But the mother's been made to feel like a bad parent for feeling like she's had enough of her children's selfish behaviour. Brilliant.

A parent is supposed to be a role model for their children. Do you really think that by going away and leaving the eldest kids, when they're obviously upset about this, will help in any way whatsoever ?

1940sGal

Judi wrote: »

Let me tell you something. If you treat your children differently the children you havent 'favoured' will resent you and resent the children you have.


If that makes sense.

But she hasn't! She's clearly stated that up to this point the children HAVE been treated fairly.

lostinrates

Tinks32 wrote: »

I will let you know once I am well and rested from my holidays:rotfl:!
I can see every bodies point of view... i did really ask for it:) but I am thick skinned and all I want is my children to turn into half way decent adults who hopefully won't have to come on a forum to ask advice. But I am grateful to all of you, and if I had time and the forum had more space I would write a book so you would know my life story:)

Tinks, your eldest sounds like they are putting you in a position my in laws were in with their eldest. They were not in uk, and put their eldest (at his request) and the middle (who went along with anything and was the only one who could reason with eldest) in a flat ion a city near where they lived. iMO this was a big mistake not for middle (now my dh) but for eldest who instigated it. Sometimes what people (and teenagers are still peoe, even if they seem inhuman at times) think they want, say they want, believe they want are not what they ACtUALLY want or need. Oldest is now bumming it a bit and is still supported by family and his part time work in his mid thorties. Now he is expecting a child and is still being supported...living in a family flat as it happens.

Could you and eldest maybe grab a short break together doing something you could connect over?

jascrawf

meer53 wrote: »

The OP asked for opinions as to whether she was a bad mother. People replied accordingly. If you only want people to say "of course you're not" then you're an idiot for asking the question in the first place.

The majority of replies say that what the OP is doing is a bad idea. I hope she takes on board some of the replies stating personal experiences that have been posted about similar situations.

Rather than going away without her eldest children, in my opinion, she should be trying to spend more time with them as there are obviously serious issues which need to be resolved. Going away isn't going to help.

I completely agree that not taking the 2 eldest is possibly a detrimental decision that will hurt them. I agree it is a bad idea because I've been in the children's shoes. What I feel sad about is those who actually said "yes, you're a bad mother". And the ones who started saying "are you surprised they don't want to spend time with you?" etc, it's really not necessary.

1940sGal

meer53 wrote: »

A parent is supposed to be a role model for their children. Do you really think that by going away and leaving the eldest kids, when they're obviously upset about this, will help in any way whatsoever ?

I don't think they are upset about this. I think they're being selfish. The OP has stated they've all been treated fairly up to now. She's obviously given a lot to the 16 year old at least but because she can't go on holiday she's throwing her toys out the pram and acting very selfishly. She's being given a flat of her own to live in, she's had a course paid for in London. She's been treated to a holiday in the canary islands recently but because she can't go on this one holiday she's treating her mother like she's the worse parent in the world.

I think i'd be pretty chuffed if my mother did for me what the OP has said she's done for her daughter. Everyone's assuming the OP is being a bad parent and are not even entertaining the idea that the children are partly to blame.

At 16 she is more than old enough to take responsibility for her actions. The 13 year old is also getting to that stage. But everyone's still ignoring what the OP has said in that she has always treated them fairly.

So why don't you ask her why the sudden change? Why not think that there may be something more to it?