Unfair or not?

jascrawf

I certainly don't think you are a bad mother. And I find it extremely rude and cruel that some people are saying you are. People seem to think that free speech gives them the right to be unnecessarily cruel and judgmental when they aren't in your exact circumstances.

I think you're in a difficult position. I can understand that finances and strained relationships can create problems and so a holiday with your DH and your 3rd child would be easier than all 3 children.

Having said that, I would either make it adults only or all children together. That way, nobody feels left out. I would sit down and discuss things with your 2 eldest. Speaking from experience, it's hard to share a parent with a half sibling and step-parent and it can feel like you're being left out. Perhaps if you gave them the option to either a) come with you or b) have a separate holiday where it's just you and your children, then it gives them the opportunity to make their own decision, it will give them a sense of control and will make them feel that they are being given the same consideration as your 3rd child...which can only improve the current situation.

You never know, they might prefer to take a holiday with just you!

lazer

Tinks32 wrote: »

The children have all been treated the same up until now! Xmas presents and holidays. The 16 year old had 2 weeks away in the Canary islands last month and has been on a training course up in London this month that has been financially draining! she is also moving into a flat of ours rent/bill free.

You are letting your 16 year old move out?
Can i ask why?

Did you offer her this - again probably making her think that you don't want her at home, or was it her suggestion?

Personally I would not give a 16 year old this independence, if they choose to go out and leave the familyhome thats different, but you don't give it to them on a plate with a free flat to move into!

lostinrates

Tinks32 wrote: »

The children have all been treated the same up until now! Xmas presents and holidays. The 16 year old had 2 weeks away in the Canary islands last month and has been on a training course up in London this month that has been financially draining! she is also moving into a flat of ours rent/bill free.

Presumably you will offer them all such opportunities?

jascrawf

What happened to encouragement and support when someone asks for advice?

I would much rather be like Tink than like those of you who are ripping her apart. What does it say about you? That you can't offer advice or support? That you can only dish out negativity and tear strips off of people? What does that tell YOUR children?

Unbelievable.

lostinrates

jascrawf wrote: »

What happened to encouragement and support when someone asks for advice?

I would much rather be like Tink than like those of you who are ripping her apart. What does it say about you? That you can't offer advice or support? That you can only dish out negativity and tear strips off of people? What does that tell YOUR children?

Unbelievable.

Fighting fire with fire?


Fwiw, i agree some replies are worded harshly, nastily even. A difficulty is thatvtje prasing of the op (direct question, one side positive one negative) leant itself to people taking the negative....then some peoe run with it. When others who also agree its the wrong choice voice their concerns and reasoning it seems like an overwhelming jumble of uneasantness, when actually there are some good points raised.

jayII

Tinks32 wrote: »

I have 3 children, 16,13 & 9 the older 2 are from a previous relationship. They have been on holiday with their father more than 5 times. We have only been on holiday with all the children 1 time, 2 years ago on our honeymoon!!! We are going away for 2 weeks on Thursday with just the youngest and the other 2 are not very happy (this is a major understatement). They do not have a very good relationship with their step father, he is 20 years older than me and has somewhat different ideas on how children should be brought up!! They are not bad kids, just typical growing up things. But this makes life unbearable sometimes. All I wish for is a quite life!!! Their argument is that they should all be treated the same IE they should have been invited... and they can't seem to get their heads around that they have had many more holidays than my younger son. This will be 2 weeks off from 2 teenagers Bliss! But I am feeling like a bad mother. What I am trying to ask is do I appear to be a bad mother to everybody else? Sorry for the essay:)
Next post is about xmas present problems.........

jascrawf wrote: »

What happened to encouragement and support when someone asks for advice?

I would much rather be like Tink than like those of you who are ripping her apart. What does it say about you? That you can't offer advice or support? That you can only dish out negativity and tear strips off of people? What does that tell YOUR children?

Unbelievable.

She clearly said the decision was made and asked for opinions on whether she is a bad mother. She did not ask for not advice and support as the decision was already made, children told and the damage done. She also said she sees two weeks where her older children are excluded as bliss???!!!

She only really got what she asked for, maybe she should have asked more carefully...

If she had said she was considering doing this, or had decided but was wavering and wanted advice or support, I am sure the responses would have been different.

Tinks32

The options will be available to all of them:)
It was a whole family idea, she moved (or rather ran away) from home because she would not meet the boundaries we made for her. She was hanging around with a bad crowd and a mother of one of the girls offered her a place to stay. This mother had no problem with letting kids of 14 years upwards drink, take drugs and have sex at her house. The mother is an alcoholic and is known to police and social services. We managed to make my daughter see that this was not a healthy environment to be in and managed to enrol her in a youth scheme in London (to get her away from this gang). The flat is a family owned one, next door to our home, and my mother lives next door! so she will not be independent as such! She is adamant that she does not want to come and live with us again.

jascrawf

lostinrates wrote: »

Fighting fire with fire?


Fwiw, i agree some replies are worded harshly, nastily even. A difficulty is thatvtje prasing of the op (direct question, one side positive one negative) leant itself to people taking the negative....then some peoe run with it. When others who also agree its the wrong choice voice their concerns and reasoning it seems like an overwhelming jumble of uneasantness, when actually there are some good points raised.

I just feel it's unfair of people to judge and act like they've never made a mistake in their lives. If someone asks for advice, then even if our opinion is contrary to what they want to hear, is it necessary to call somebody a bad mother? Don't people realise the effect that can have? It seems that so many people would rather rip someone apart and share their negative opinions than help someone or give advice. What's wrong with a bit of kindness? Does it make you the better person to be so cruel? Generic you, not you.

Tinks32

OK, I should have worded my 1st post more carefully:) As you can see from my replies there is much more of this that meets the eye! I would really value everyone's support and advice please? and make sure there is plenty of humility in them:)

1940sGal

So, the children have been treated fairly up to this point and, the 16 year old at least, has refused to behave or stick to boundaries that were quite rightly set by her mother and step father.

But the mother's been made to feel like a bad parent for feeling like she's had enough of her children's selfish behaviour. Brilliant.