Unfair or not?

1940sGal

peachyprice wrote: »

That's kind of the whole point. He isn't being given a choice, he's being excluded.

There's a pretty good chance, as he doesn't even get on with OP or her OH that given the choice he may well have opted to not go on their happy little jaunt. But he isn't being given the option, he is being told he can't go.

And perhaps it's because he's being a typical whining teenager. Everyone's just assumed the OP is in the wrong but no one has considered the possibility that the elder two don't actually deserve to go.

Children, whatever their age, are not angels. Sometimes they are little swines who don't deserve a holiday, has anyone thought of that?

jayII

I think if you'd sat down with your older children before booking anything, they might well have said they didn't want to go and would rather spend time with their dad. It would then be reasonable to go without them as long as you were very careful not to make them feel unwanted or show you were relieved at their decision.

You could also have co-ordinated your holiday with them going on holiday with their dad, again with their agreement.

As things stand you are sending them a clear message that your new partner and child are far more important to you, and more loved by you, than your older children are. How absolutely horrible for them and what a massive blow to their feelings of self-worth and self-esteem.

Cat501

1940sGal wrote: »

Children, whatever their age, are not angels. Sometimes they are little swines who don't deserve a holiday, has anyone thought of that?

Nope, because OP says they're not bad kids, just typical teenagers.

peachyprice

1940sGal wrote: »

Children, whatever their age, are not angels. Sometimes they are little swines who don't deserve a holiday, has anyone thought of that?

Perhaps children become 'little swines' when they are excluded from a family and are treated differently to their half siblings, has anyone thought of that?

No child deserves that, sorry.

gingin_2

Tinks32 wrote: »

I am really grateful to all your answers but it would be good to know how many of you that replied are or have been in the same boat? If you have please let me know ...

I haven't been where you are but I have been the child that was treated differently to another sibling. It's no fun. For various reasons I had a better/different life than my older brother and he's resented me all of my life for it. I didn't ask for any of it and didn't understand it most of the time but it meant for a pretty lonely childhood with a lot of mental and verbal bullying from my sibling and a lot of insecurities and I guess sadness as an adult. That's why I mentioned your youngest in my first post.

meer53

1940sGal wrote: »

Because s/he's old enough to a, be left on their own and b, understand that they don't always get what they want. It does matter that they've had holidays in the past and should think themselves lucky.

That might be how you would handle this situation but IMO the problems the OP has run far deeper than the holiday/xmas issues.

Treating children differently in this type of relationship is a recipe for disaster and really not fair on them.

fannyanna

Do all 3 of the children live in your house? Or do the 2 eldest children live with their Father?

If they all live with you I think you are being unfair. I think it would be different if they didn't live with you though.

Also you mention them not wanting to spend time with you. If they do live with you I wonder if it's because they are treated differently from your youngest child. That's a sure way to breed resentment.

lostinrates

My sister was an adult and only my mother's when my parents had me. Every opportunity offered to me has been offered to her, sometimes in fact more to her because i was encouraged to view her sensitivity as 'extra' to the unit as something to be banished at all costs. This of course meant she got what i got Plus what ger father gave her, but its just the way the cookie crumbles. I got both my parents in my life. So i was in the position of your littlest.


I think 16 and 13 are ages where people feel emotionally vulnerable anyway...often feeling misunderstood and hard done by, i can see why the dynamic is hard, but i think the holiday could be just the opportunity to build memories and tentative bridges. i know when my adult sister felt that I was getting more or different it was sometimes very, very hard for her.

However, her teenaged children call my father' grandpapa' and I am glad, it shows that however it was reached they feel part of a whole family.

shegirl

Tinks32 wrote: »

Thanks for the comments:)
My children do not want to spend any time with me:(
I have even tried to get us counselling so that we can talk things through but they don't want anything to do with it.
I am really grateful to all your answers but it would be good to know how many of you that replied are or have been in the same boat? If you have please let me know ...

With respect,how much of your kids not wanting to spend time with you is your own fault?

You dont't treat your kids equally.

The youngest gets more at Christmas because thr older two get presents from their father and family-you made a choice to not bother with them so much due to this.I would be absolutely horrified with myself if I EVER so much as thought anything like that.

The youngest gets to go on holiday with you and your partner.Your eldest don't because you decided it would be unfair a they go away with their father sometimes.

So,the youngest not only has his mum and dad together but he gets treated better!!!!

You are a mother to all three of those kids.No mother should even consider treating her children unequally.

You don't stop doing things with or for your kids just because somebody else can or does!

You are pushing YOUR (yes,they're yours just as much as the youngest-remember that) kids away from you,their brother and their step father.

Most importantly,you are making your eldest kids feel like !!!!!

Tinks32

The children have all been treated the same up until now! Xmas presents and holidays. The 16 year old had 2 weeks away in the Canary islands last month and has been on a training course up in London this month that has been financially draining! she is also moving into a flat of ours rent/bill free.