Unfair or not?

Seanymph

You asked how many people who said they felt you were making the wrong choice were in the same situation.

I feel you are wrong - I live with my OH.

My two daughters live with us, their father is in Canada and every couple of years they get to go see him. OH's three lived with us to begin with, then two and now one.

When they were resident if one had an opportunity/holiday/event with the family they all did. No matter whose they were, or which one of the adults funded it.

Once they move out, the rules change.

School trips - one gets to go skiing, they all get the chance.

And it does not matter what the other extended family do to each child - we give them all the same for birthday's and christmas (£100) - plus stockings for those in the house.

This year I took them camping - I took my kids and HIS kids and he worked. Because once you set up house together guess what? They became OUR kids. OUR family, OUR kids - OUR house THEIR home.

So, if we were going away on holiday whilst, say, my girls were in Canada then obviously they wouldnt' come - today my step son spent the day with me but the girls were busy ....... next Thursday he is at college I am going shopping with just my eldest. But then he is meeting us in town to come to the pictures to see the Hobbit.

You can do little things with each. It's important to do little things with each of them.

But a holiday? Nope, one goes everyone in the household goes (except OH because when he worked out three teenagers were going camping in Newquay with me for two weeks he had emergency overtime and couldn't make it!).

However he and I are going away on our own in three weeks. So we have 'our' time.

'Family' time and 'our' time.

But we never ever split the children - or judge what we will do based on what others do.

Because it isn't right.

So am I 'in the same situation' - no, because my kids aren't doing what you say your daughter was doing - but then they are welcome in their home, unconditionally, and valued, and I spend time with them all and enjoy it.

Yours obviously still want to spend time with you at the moment - make the most of it. Because if your OH can't stand your kids being teenagers he won't be a lot better with the child that will hit that stage in 4 years time.

shegirl

Tinks32 wrote: »

The children have all been treated the same up until now! Xmas presents and holidays. The 16 year old had 2 weeks away in the Canary islands last month and has been on a training course up in London this month that has been financially draining! she is also moving into a flat of ours rent/bill free.

A couple of questions.

1.You edited the opening post of your Christmas present thread just before typing this post that states they've always been treated equally up until now.The only thing different in the Christmas post,as far as I can see,is you've now added words to to say you're proposing to spend twice as much on your youngest,rather than saying you do.You didn't edit out the past tense teens moaning about it though though.Honestly,is it really just a new idea or are you trying to defend yourself?!

2.If it really is a new thing then why on earth,after years of alleged equal treatment would you then decide to do this?

sassyblue

Haven't read all the thread but IMO what your ex does with the eldest two is irrelevant, you are taking YOUR children on holiday and it should be all of them.

Tinks32

It is a new idea, my oh wants to buy our 9 year old an IPad for both his birthday and Xmas present his birthday is 14/12, but I don't particularly think this is suitable for his age! The older 2 know exactly how much things cost so if he gets this and they get the usual £100 they will know he has had more money spent on him. Last year my ex and I pooled both of our money in and bought a v expensive bike for the then 12 year old, pity it got stolen 6 months later:(
My ex has said he does not want to repeat our pooling of present again, so I am stuck.....

Seanymph

No you aren't stuck - because you should be treating your children equally in your house regardless of what your ex does.

Your issue is the bloke you are with now by all appearances - he hasn't accepted your children you are torn - your children have worked out that he outranks them and you want to sideline your kids to placate your new partner whilst he indulges his son.

You can't do that - you have to stand up to him on behalf of your children. Or cause them emotional damage.

Of course it may be too late.

meer53

Tinks32 wrote: »

It is a new idea, my oh wants to buy our 9 year old an IPad for both his birthday and Xmas present his birthday is 14/12, but I don't particularly think this is suitable for his age! The older 2 know exactly how much things cost so if he gets this and they get the usual £100 they will know he has had more money spent on him. Last year my ex and I pooled both of our money in and bought a v expensive bike for the then 12 year old, pity it got stolen 6 months later:(
My ex has said he does not want to repeat our pooling of present again, so I am stuck.....

So have you told your OH that you don't agree with the Ipad as a gift ?

More and more i get the impression that your OH could be the cause of a lot of your problems.

Tinks32

Yes.

And I think you might be right:)

meer53

Tinks32 wrote: »

Yes.

And I think you might be right:)

In that case, i think you should start to stand up for your kids. They don't deserve to be treated like spare parts in the family. For your OH to even think about treating them like this would make me so angry. He sounds like a very selfish man, do you really want him to destroy your relationship with your children ? Because thats exactly what he's doing.

I feel so sorry for them.

halight

Judi wrote: »

I would take all my kids or none at all.

I would also have invited all the kids.
The 16 year old is getting to the age were they wont wont to go with Mum on holiday any more. This might have been the last one you had all together.

What is done is done but maybe you could plan another one for all the Kids if money allows.

I don't think you are a bad Mum you did what you thought best.

halight

Tinks32 wrote: »

It is a new idea, my oh wants to buy our 9 year old an IPad for both his birthday and Xmas present his birthday is 14/12, but I don't particularly think this is suitable for his age! The older 2 know exactly how much things cost so if he gets this and they get the usual £100 they will know he has had more money spent on him. Last year my ex and I pooled both of our money in and bought a v expensive bike for the then 12 year old, pity it got stolen 6 months later:(
My ex has said he does not want to repeat our pooling of present again, so I am stuck.....

I don't think an ipad for a 9 year old is a good idea.
Its far to costly for a start.

Could you buy one for the family to use ?

I have an ipad myself and they are great.
There are some really good apps for for teaching kids.
I don't get to use mine much as my wife and too kids are normally using it to learn something. The kids are both 4 years old. There are lots of learning apps for them that suit all ages and skills so I would recommend one for the family to use and then everyone gets the benefit out of it.