Just found out my son is experimenting with other boys

robpw2

Bitsy_Beans wrote: »

I am not getting into a p!ssing contest about who's got it worse but I am less sympathetic perhaps because it was devastating to find out my son had autism. T

why devestated ...?
again i think you mean worry and upset from perhaps a lack of understanding .
i can understand being devestated to find out your child won't live very long as in a terminal illness.
Having an autistic spectrum disorder isnt the end of the world, yes as a child its extremely difficult and frustrating but this is usually caused by other peoples lack of understanding.

robpw2

Troubled_mum wrote: »

Yes he is an adult but you never want to hurt the ones you love.

So what are you saying, do you think I should tell him?

at the moment you have nothing to tell him other then your "suspicions"

thefore i wouldnt worry him , surely he has enough to think about

[Deleted User]

Bitsy_Beans wrote: »

But this is what I don't understand......why is it life changing? All that's different if he is gay is the gender of who his potential life partner will be. He will still fall in love, might have a family, live in his own home, have a job. I can understand you being worried about your son being heartbroken no one likes to see their child unhappy but this is a risk with any relationships.

I am not getting into a p!ssing contest about who's got it worse but I am less sympathetic perhaps because it was devastating to find out my son had autism. To worry whether he will be able to function in the neurotypical world, never mind which side he bats for. Would he even be able to have a meaningful relationship with anyone. Much of your language is very emotive and I can't help feeling that you perhaps need to keep some perspective and ditch the pre conceived ideas you had about gay life. Much of the fears about bullying, prejudice.....this can apply to a number of people from all walks of life, my son may well face the same as he gets older.

I did think when I was posting that maybe describing it as life changing was not quite right but am struggling with the words. Same with what you say about my wording being emotive - see you have a much better grasp of the dictionary than I do.

I suppose the majority of gay people who have crossed my path have been camp and that is probably been why they have had a hard time because they are an easy target. So I suppose that is where my worries about bullying and prejudice come from.

I think just writing it all down and discussing it with people has been quite cathartic even when I have been having to defend myself. I have always been a heart on my sleeve kind of girl, discussing and analysing everything which is why I had turned to a forum to try and talk about it as I did not have anyone else.

robpw2

Troubled_mum wrote: »

I did think when I was posting that maybe describing it as life changing was not quite right but am struggling with the words. Same with what you say about my wording being emotive - see you have a much better grasp of the dictionary than I do.

I suppose the majority of gay people who have crossed my path have been camp and that is probably been why they have had a hard time because they are an easy target. So I suppose that is where my worries about bullying and prejudice come from.

I think just writing it all down and discussing it with people has been quite cathartic even when I have been having to defend myself. I have always been a heart on my sleeve kind of girl, discussing and analysing everything which is why I had turned to a forum to try and talk about it as I did not have anyone else.

i wasn't "camp" - i was just quiet, intelligent and not very good at making friends ... i didnt trust anyone and would get extremely frustrated that people couldn't keep up with me when it came to group work - i also wouldnt fight back this is why i was deemed "gay" , don't get me wrong i can be flamboyant if i want to be but its an act .

[Deleted User]

robpw2 wrote: »

are you close to your son ?

i think you need to have a word with him and try to work out where he is at and what you can do to help .you need to approach it carefully and i wouldnt accuse him of being gay or bisexual straight away but you need to approach with care but i think you will work your self up more and mroe into a state the longer you don't know and i know it will be an awkward conversation to have from both sides .

Am I close to my son in that does he sit down and tell me everything, then the answer is no he has always played things very close to his chest even from an early age. Am I close in the fact that I kiss and cuddle him, yes, and he is happy to walk through the street with me with linked arms etc. He has always been a cuddly kid, his younger brother still likes to give him the occasional cuddle, usually followed by a poke in the ribs though which ends up with a wrestling match.:)

I think I will just have to wait for him to volunteer the information.

meer53

Troubled_mum wrote: »

Yes he is an adult but you never want to hurt the ones you love.

So what are you saying, do you think I should tell him?

I don't think you need to tell him anything.

If you love him, keep it to yourself. There might not be anything to tell anyway. He's doing a stressful job, what point is there in possibly adding to that stress ? I get the impression it would make you feel better though. Is that fair ? I don't think so.

[Deleted User]

robpw2 wrote: »

i wasn't "camp" - i was just quiet, intelligent and not very good at making friends ... i didnt trust anyone and would get extremely frustrated that people couldn't keep up with me when it came to group work - i also wouldnt fight back this is why i was deemed "gay" , don't get me wrong i can be flamboyant if i want to be but its an act .

Same here, he isn't camp, he is intelligent, he too would get frustrated in group work but he does have a lot of friends. He is an extremely charming lad and I have only ever had compliments about what a nice lad he is and he does seem to make friends very easily.

He would also defend himself if attacked both physically and verbally. I know that at school he has been jokingly and not jokingly attacked in a physical way but invariably this has resulted in the attacker being launched over my sons shoulder or put in an arm lock. I forgot to mention that he is a black belt. The attacks at school were just normal school boy banter. We always told him not to discuss his martial arts too much because there will always someone who wants to have a go to see if you are hard enough!

[Deleted User]

meer53 wrote: »

I don't think you need to tell him anything.

If you love him, keep it to yourself. There might not be anything to tell anyway. He's doing a stressful job, what point is there in possibly adding to that stress ? I get the impression it would make you feel better though. Is that fair ? I don't think so.

Exactly, it would make me feel better but that is what is stopping me because it is selfish. But I do also see preparing him as unselfish because he will have a shock at some point or other and I know deep down what he would want would be to support our son when and if it happens, so maybe telling him would be the unselfish thing to do when you see if from the supporting our son angle.

See it's so difficult there are arguments for both sides, for the life of me I don't know which carries the most weight.

Errata

A shock? Or a suprise? They're very different.

[Deleted User]

Errata wrote: »

A shock? Or a suprise? They're very different.

Main Entry: shock  [shok]
Part of Speech: noun
Definition: complete surprise; blow

Synonyms: awe, bombshell, breakdown, bump, clash, collapse, collision, concussion, confusion, consternation, crash, distress, disturbance, double whammy, earthquake, encounter, excitement, eye-opener, hysteria, impact, injury, jarring, jolt, percussion, prostration, ram, scare, start, stroke, stupefaction, stupor, trauma, traumatism, turn, upset, whammy, wreck
Antonyms: expectation