Just found out my son is experimenting with other boys

jackieb

Mara69 wrote: »

Why?

I don't know. But I did. I got pregnant while still at school and my Mum found out 8 weeks before I had the baby. My Mum felt ill because of that. Because, if i'm honest, it's not what I would have chosen for my son, the same way my Mum and Dad wouldn't have chosen for me to be pregnant so young. Everything worked out for me though, and i'm sure it will for my son too. My parents were supportive to me, the same way i'll support my son.

daisiegg

I don't understand why people keep going on about 'he's 18, he's an adult, leave him alone'. I can assure you, despite the fact they can vote and drive, an 18 year old still at school is NOT an adult. I teach kids that age every day and believe me, they are still children. Yes they have grown up bodies, but they are still at school (as the OP said her son is - my comments wouldn't apply to 18 yr olds who have had full time jobs for 2 years already and live alone etc...) where they are told what to do, follow rules, get told off, can be given detentions! They are still living at home, where they are in the role, if not totally of a child, certainly of a junior member of the family, and are supported financially by their parents. Parents get paid CHILD benefit for 18 yr olds still in full time education. They may look like grown ups but they still have a huge amount of growing up to do and it is absolutely right for a parent to still be concerned, worried, supportive of a young person of that age. If you worked with kids this age every day it would shock you how young, innocent, naive, childish, immature these 'adults' can be. They still need a huge amount of guidance.

Also, all the people talking about how life is not difficult for gay people anymore, you obviously haven't been to my town. I thought exactly the same as you until I taught a play to my GCSE class last year that had a gay character in it. Well over half of the kids in my class were openly homophobic and were not at all shy about expressing hugely homophobic reactions to this character (of course I did my absolute best to teach them that this is very wrong, but what are you going to listen to - what your parents have told you for 16 years or what a teacher tries to tell you after all that?) In teaching PSHEE I come across many similar attitudes from the teenagers I teach. And we don't live in a backwater stuck in the fifties - we are in an affluent area 30 mins from London and the majority of my pupils come from well off, professional, educated families. And these people are instilling homophobic attitudes into their kids. So yes, having experienced that, I would definitely feel concerned about the treatment and attitudes anyone I cared about would face if they were gay. Although as everyone has discussed to death, the words she chose to express her feelings were really unfortunate, I don't think it's so terrible for the OP to feel worried.

Businessgirl

As someone who experimented a few years back and 'came out'....

You don't have to agree, just accept and show your undying support of him no matter what. This is part of growing up. Being allowed to be who we are even if its different to our parents, and as such grow into our own person and know they love us the same no matter what.

Discover why you are so shattered about it. WHY? Thats your discovery and not on him. Your reactions tell you something about YOU.

Realise your expectations of him have been devestated, and now, essentially he is free of them and can grow to be the person he was meant to be...

It may be a phase...mine was. It may not. He is still your son, love him.

Realise that although there is homophobia out there, mostly, unless you walk in religious circles, its acceptable. If you don't, spare a thought for my mum....I was in the ministry when I did my little 'discovery' tour.

Most of all...love him. This has to, no matter what be a hard time for him. Question also why he has not come to you with this? And start to act in a way that means he can come and tell you...be open. Make sure he knows that you are not homophobic...

More than that...remember, things may change, and they may not, but no matter what...

He's your son. Your baby boy. You love him.

[Deleted User]

Thank you once again for some lovely posts.

Businessgirl, one thing I just want to point out because a couple of people have said the same thing about me not agreeing with whether my son is gay. I don't disagree at all and for me it is not something to accept or not accept, it is part of his makeup and whatever his sexual orientation he will never stop being my little boy, despite the fact he is over six foot now. Gay or straight you will always worry about your children, hate the fact that you know there will be times when they are distraught whether it be over a relationship, a job they didn't get, an argument with a friend. As an adult you know as devastating it is at the time they will be fine but you still don't want to see them go through it.

Why am I so shattered? I think I have tried to explain this and some people have also offered their reasoning for why I have been so upset. Probably because I am unable to talk to the person who has been my rock for the last 25 years, I am having to cope with the emotions on my own, I still have a house to run and three kids to look after and all that goes along with it. We are in the midst of chasing down Universities, starting of GCSE's for the middle one and the year 8 blip for the youngest.

Person_one - I would also like to comment on what you said because I totally agree with you. My mother decided it was her right to share with my 10 year old son that his Grandad had been diagnosed with cancer. We felt that the children were to young to be given the information at the time and the prognosis was that my father could and did live for 6 years after his diagnosis. I was absolutely furious she knew that my husband and I had decided that we would wait until such time as it became apparent that he was so ill. He would have been much older and better able to handle it. This was not the first time she had done this, she rang me to tell me that my brother was expecting his first child but then told me not to let on that I knew because he was so excited to ring and tell me himself.

However, in this case I am torn because I am considering two angles, if I don't tell my husband he could be blindsided by the initial shock and upset and not in the best place to support my son. If I do tell my husband I could be upsetting him over something that may or may not materialise. I am very undecided and I guess until he comes home I won't know what I shall do.

I want what is best for my son and ideally if he is gay then I would really like him to be able to come out as soon as possible because I am sure that once that hurdle is over he could breath a huge sigh of relief and just get on with the life of being a young man starting out on life.

robpw2

daisiegg wrote: »

Also, all the people talking about how life is not difficult for gay people anymore, you obviously haven't been to my town. I thought exactly the same as you until I taught a play to my GCSE class last year that had a gay character in it. Well over half of the kids in my class were openly homophobic and were not at all shy about expressing hugely homophobic reactions to this character (of course I did my absolute best to teach them that this is very wrong, but what are you going to listen to - what your parents have told you for 16 years or what a teacher tries to tell you after all that?) In teaching PSHEE I come across many similar attitudes from the teenagers I teach. And we don't live in a backwater stuck in the fifties - we are in an affluent area 30 mins from London and the majority of my pupils come from well off, professional, educated families. And these people are instilling homophobic attitudes into their kids. So yes, having experienced that, I would definitely feel concerned about the treatment and attitudes anyone I cared about would face if they were gay. Although as everyone has discussed to death, the words she chose to express her feelings were really unfortunate, I don't think it's so terrible for the OP to feel worried.

life is a lot easier for gay people today then it was 15 years ago when i was coming to terms with who i was. they were not even allowed to discuss it in school. On tv the only "gays" were extremly camp queens. Gay magazines were on top shelves and you would recieve homophobic comments of the cashiers, including in main street stores like wh smiths.
people didnt just shout abuse at you becasue they thought you were gay they would use their fists or throw things at you ,
no-one would talk to me about it other then to tell me that being gay was disgusting and i couldnt be gay in fact my head teacher called me into the office because he had heard some people shouting gay at me to tell me in no uncertain terms i wasn't gay and that i should find myself a girlfreind and then others wouldnt think i was gay ..he even went so far as to find me the girl i should "date". (at home "there were some people in the world who were gay " but not in this house)dads opinion)(although mum knew as i said earlier)

there were not as many resources or information around as there is today, it was very much hush hush still ... and trying to find other gay people around my age was nigh impossible the internet was still in its younger stages we didnt have a computer at home but neither did anyone and the library computer blocked any mention of the word gay.
and those that were gay in school kept silent for fear of ridicule shame or being a target for bullies,

still at least i wasn;'t born in a time when you could be put to death for being gay or being put in prison

meer53

OP, your husband is an adult. Stop trying to protect him from something that may never happen. If it does happen, then yes, he may be upset, but he'll get over it. It's not the end of the world.

robpw2

Troubled_mum wrote: »

Thank you once again for some lovely posts.

Businessgirl, one thing I just want to point out because a couple of people have said the same thing about me not agreeing with whether my son is gay. I don't disagree at all and for me it is not something to accept or not accept, it is part of his makeup and whatever his sexual orientation he will never stop being my little boy, despite the fact he is over six foot now. Gay or straight you will always worry about your children, hate the fact that you know there will be times when they are distraught whether it be over a relationship, a job they didn't get, an argument with a friend. As an adult you know as devastating it is at the time they will be fine but you still don't want to see them go through it.

Why am I so shattered? I think I have tried to explain this and some people have also offered their reasoning for why I have been so upset. Probably because I am unable to talk to the person who has been my rock for the last 25 years, I am having to cope with the emotions on my own, I still have a house to run and three kids to look after and all that goes along with it. We are in the midst of chasing down Universities, starting of GCSE's for the middle one and the year 8 blip for the youngest.

Person_one - I would also like to comment on what you said because I totally agree with you. My mother decided it was her right to share with my 10 year old son that his Grandad had been diagnosed with cancer. We felt that the children were to young to be given the information at the time and the prognosis was that my father could and did live for 6 years after his diagnosis. I was absolutely furious she knew that my husband and I had decided that we would wait until such time as it became apparent that he was so ill. He would have been much older and better able to handle it. This was not the first time she had done this, she rang me to tell me that my brother was expecting his first child but then told me not to let on that I knew because he was so excited to ring and tell me himself.

However, in this case I am torn because I am considering two angles, if I don't tell my husband he could be blindsided by the initial shock and upset and not in the best place to support my son. If I do tell my husband I could be upsetting him over something that may or may not materialise. I am very undecided and I guess until he comes home I won't know what I shall do.

I want what is best for my son and ideally if he is gay then I would really like him to be able to come out as soon as possible because I am sure that once that hurdle is over he could breath a huge sigh of relief and just get on with the life of being a young man starting out on life.

are you close to your son ?

i think you need to have a word with him and try to work out where he is at and what you can do to help .you need to approach it carefully and i wouldnt accuse him of being gay or bisexual straight away but you need to approach with care but i think you will work your self up more and mroe into a state the longer you don't know and i know it will be an awkward conversation to have from both sides .

robpw2

meer53 wrote: »

OP, your husband is an adult. Stop trying to protect him from something that may never happen. If it does happen, then yes, he may be upset, but he'll get over it. It's not the end of the world.

yes , your sons sexuality is for him to disclose to his father unless he asks you to do it on his behalf

Bitsy_Beans

Troubled_mum wrote: »

What I can't understand is how many of you can't see how upsetting it is for a parent to discover something about that their child they were totally unaware about. Something that is life changing, to also find out on top of the emotional turmoil he is going through to also find out that he has been upset over an unrequited love.
.
.

But this is what I don't understand......why is it life changing? All that's different if he is gay is the gender of who his potential life partner will be. He will still fall in love, might have a family, live in his own home, have a job. I can understand you being worried about your son being heartbroken no one likes to see their child unhappy but this is a risk with any relationships.

I am not getting into a p!ssing contest about who's got it worse but I am less sympathetic perhaps because it was devastating to find out my son had autism. To worry whether he will be able to function in the neurotypical world, never mind which side he bats for. Would he even be able to have a meaningful relationship with anyone. Much of your language is very emotive and I can't help feeling that you perhaps need to keep some perspective and ditch the pre conceived ideas you had about gay life. Much of the fears about bullying, prejudice.....this can apply to a number of people from all walks of life, my son may well face the same as he gets older.

[Deleted User]

meer53 wrote: »

OP, your husband is an adult. Stop trying to protect him from something that may never happen. If it does happen, then yes, he may be upset, but he'll get over it. It's not the end of the world.

Yes he is an adult but you never want to hurt the ones you love.

So what are you saying, do you think I should tell him?