Just found out my son is experimenting with other boys

irrationalactor

Troubled mum I think you are doing really well with this. We can't control our emotional reactions to things and when something happens to us sometimes how we react is not how we thought we would or how we would like to.

I think you're really brave to keep posting and to let us know how you're dealing with it. I think it's wonderful that you're putting in the work to research this and get different views. I can see from your posts that the initial shock has worn off and that no matter where your son ends up in life you are going to be there to support him.

I don't envy you the dilemma of whether or not to approach this with your husband, given that he is away from home. It must be very hard for you.

I think you and your family have a great future ahead.

[Deleted User]

Wickedkitten wrote: »

But Troubled, you don’t even know if you are the parent of a gay child because as you said yourself, he was experimenting. Now if he actually at some point chooses to come out to you, cool, but you were actually considering telling your husband about something that you don’t even know for sure is true.

Which is precisely the point I have made several times about whether to tell my husband or not. Selfish of me if I tell him but also unselfish as forewarned is forearmed. I have across several posts from people who suspect their children of being gay from an early age and so when they eventually come out because they have always suspected it then they are in a better place to help their child. That is what I mean if my husband is prepared then we just sit back and let our son tell us in his own time.

Initially I called it experimentation and I thought his comment about not knowing his orientation but possibly bi meant that he was straight poss bi but now I have thought about it more and thought about what was said I think possibly he was say gay poss bi.

[Deleted User]

bazra wrote: »

You really aren't grasping what people are trying to say to you. Have you ever heard of denial? I have a gay friend who has 2 sons. I have another who was twice engaged to women. They were still as gay then as they are now. They didn't just suddenly wake up gay one day. You've said yourself you are born gay.

I really think you need to educate yourself on what it is to be gay because if you try and tackle something like this with him while you are clearly so naive, you'll make a disaster out of it.

No you are wrong, I totally understand but as people have pointed out at primary school sex is not usually foremost in your mind. I do understand that what being gay means. I do know for sure that he has been having relations with girls but what I don't know is if he is doing this because he thinks he is supposed to . But then equally he is an intelligent kid and not normally the type to do things because he feels pressured by his peers.

So I guess it still stands at I don't know if he is gay, bi-sexual or just experimenting.

[Deleted User]

bazra wrote: »

I'll try again. I also had crushes on girls at primary school age, but i wasn't about to tell my mum that i also had a crush on a boy in my class as well.

Oh okay I see what you are saying. I don't think he is in denial though he seems to be quite comfortable with what he has been up to. Although obviously not comfortable enough to come out and tell us but then why should he, at his age he is playing the field and I suppose until a serious relationship comes along there is no need to tell us anything.

Seanymph

I wouldn't want to be dealing with something like this and be unable to lean on my OH for support and for us to deal with it together.

Are you sure your relationship isn't strong enough for him to be there fr you?

daisiegg

bazra wrote: »

Because that's what the Law says & the fact you personally think some 18 year olds are not very grown up wont change that unfortunately.

If the law thought parents should leave children alone as soon as they turned 18, why do they pay child benefit for 18 yr olds still at school?

People have been arguing that just because he's 18 (barely, and still at school) his mother has no right to be concerned about him. I think that is ridiculous.

Bitsy_Beans

robpw2 wrote: »

why devestated ...?
again i think you mean worry and upset from perhaps a lack of understanding .
i can understand being devestated to find out your child won't live very long as in a terminal illness.
Having an autistic spectrum disorder isnt the end of the world, yes as a child its extremely difficult and frustrating but this is usually caused by other peoples lack of understanding.

Devastated because it was a life long condition and at aged 4 I had no idea about his ability to lead a neurotypical life. Would he be able to do all the things other people take for granted, have friends, have relationships, get a job, fall in love etc. it's not just other people's understanding that can be a problem but how my son actually interprets the NT world and can fit into this.

Don't get me wrong I no longer feel this way and for the record I never thought it was the end of the world. My biggest concern was ultimately his ability to become an independent adult.

duchy

Troubled_mum wrote: »

I am not talking about just keeping an eye on Internet activity. They know their kids passwords, have administrator access etc have twitter accounts that get lost in the maze of friends the kids have. They don't post so nothing alerts the kids.

So your son gave you his FB passwords -or did you view them without his permission ?

Listen your son is NOT a child anymore-he's an adult -you need to stop snooping on him and allow him to grow up his own person.

You are claiming to worry about telling your husband -WHAT are you worried about ? Telling him you've spied on your son or that he may be unsure of his sexuality and is experimenting ?

As for worrying about him coming to tell you. I have gay friends who were sexually active with same sex partners in their teens who had good and open relationships with their parents but opted to wait years before telling them (usually once they were in a stable long term relationship) so you really need to be coming to terms with your son's adulthood and what is and isn't his private business as you could be years waiting for the "official announcement"

I do wonder if all the drama you are projecting is about your own feelings (both about letting go of your son as he moves into adulthood and your limited knowledge of gay lifestyle like not realizing many gay men aren't in the least bit camp) or if you believe your husband will react badly as you believe he is at worst homophobic and at best ambivalent towards gay men ?

I think you've realized by now that the majority of posters seem to feel that your reaction isn't normal and that you were clutching at straws trying to justify your reaction by quoting bigoted Christian websites. Why not look at sites for normal people-not religious zealots .

The important thing to remember is that it really really doesn't matter if your son is having sex with a man or a woman -what matters is that he is the same person you raised -just a little more independent and private than he was. He has the same smile, the same morals, levels of honesty , good heart-whatever.

Years ago I worked in a company where I was the only straight woman -the other nine were all male and gay. Some were camp, some were "straight" looking and acting. One weekend most of the guys were attending a gay pride march and one of the others told me he wasn't going-when I asked why he said "Because ...Being gay is one aspect of who I am -it is not the whole picture and there are many more important factors who make me the man I am " and he was so RIGHT ! Your son could join the army, be a rock climber or a boxer rather than develop an interest in theatre or have posters of Judy Garland or Audrey Hepburn on his walls -none of these would make him any more or less gay or straight !!

robpw2

Bitsy_Beans wrote: »

Devastated because it was a life long condition and at aged 4 I had no idea about his ability to lead a neurotypical life. Would he be able to do all the things other people take for granted, have friends, have relationships, get a job, fall in love etc. it's not just other people's understanding that can be a problem but how my son actually interprets the NT world and can fit into this.

Don't get me wrong I no longer feel this way and for the record I never thought it was the end of the world. My biggest concern was ultimately his ability to become an independent adult.

,
but thats not devestation , its worrying yes and it may lead to feelings of some upset and its same with the op , the feeling she has described are not those of devestation but of worry caused by a lack of understanding and not knowing what the future holds.

robpw2

daisiegg wrote: »

If the law thought parents should leave children alone as soon as they turned 18, why do they pay child benefit for 18 yr olds still at school?

People have been arguing that just because he's 18 (barely, and still at school) his mother has no right to be concerned about him. I think that is ridiculous.

theres a difference to being concerened and causeing herself to be sick and unable to sleep about something she doesnt know is true/ and doesnt understadn